Keep Holding On (Pictures)

I’m a little bit bummed this morning. I got two job rejections within minutes of each other. Tell me that’s not a blow to the ole ego. I’m trying to do all the positive self talk, you know:

Something better will come along.
Those jobs weren’t right for you.
The perfect job is waiting for you.

But instead, these questions/statements keep coming up:

What am I doing wrong?
What do employers see in me that make them not want to hire me?
How dare I think that I will actually be worth $XXk a year?
I’m worthless. That’s all there is to it. I’ve been out of work for six months now, and there are no prospects on the horizon for permanent work.
My friends are all moving forward, and I’m stuck/moving backward.

I’m going to have to really give in to the disappointment eventually, and it won’t be cute when I do. :( I’m already stressing, even though Adam told me not to worry. I have a car payment and insurance. Thank God I don’t have credit cards or loans to pay, or else I’d’ve been in HUGE trouble. As it stands now, I’m still freaking out a bit, even though Adam said we’re fine.

And my temp assignment has been postponed again. Now the start date is September 8th. I’m really hoping they don’t put it off anymore, and I’m desperately hoping they don’t decide to scrap the whole thing. I’m counting on that income to get me through the end of the year!

One exciting thing is that last Friday, Adam hooked up my stereo to the Mac Book and showed me how to record cassettes and make mp3s out of the songs on them. So many songs that I thought would never be in digital form because they’re either B-sides or out of print, I have now digitized and I can listen to them on my iPod. I was in my nerdilicious element, recording songs, editing them, processing them, and editing the ID3 tags on them. I still have a handful of songs that I’d like to encode. I’ll do those sometime soon. My favorites are already done, and that’s the important thing.

Also, last Friday, Adam and I went to a Little Mermaid Sing Along at the Music Box theatre.

The Music Box

I’ve never been to Rocky Horror, but I’m guessing this was like a squeaky clean version of it. We had little props to use (bubbles for when Ariel was taking a bath, clickers for when Sebastian was walking, a “dinglehopper” with which to comb our hair), things to yell at the screen, and of course, the words to all the songs were also on the screen. There were little girls dressed in Disney princess outfits, a guy playing Disney songs on the organ, and candy. It was a lot of fun.

Saturday, Adam and I met up with Becky and went to Nookies, Too for brunch. I had strawberry crepes.

Crepes from Nookies, Too

Then we hung out, spending a bit of time in Oz Park.

The Scarecrow and Me

The Cowardly Lion The Tin Man Flowers Dorothy The Scarecrow Toto Rose

After the park and hanging out with Becky, I was struck with a migraine that had me out for about 40 hours. It was horrible. I feel so helpless when I get those things… all I can do is lie there, my heart and mind racing with all the stuff I need to do. But I know that if I even sit up, my head will explode and my eyes will slam shut and I’ll want to cry out in pain. I do not like getting migraines. Thank God they usually happen over the weekend.

I miss Aidan. He’s going to Phoenix tomorrow, which will be a lot of fun for him. He is one well-traveled little boy. :)

Less than a month until Disney World! I’m really trying to stay positive, you know. So, I’m going to try to concentrate on that.

That’s all for now. I’m going to hit the shower. A couple weeks ago, I splurged and bought some Caress Daily Silk body wash and I LOVE the way it smells. I used the bar a lot when I was growing up, and the scent reminds me of summer, and of my mom.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

Up & Down (Pictures)

A week after I quit that job, I am now starting to feel the depression of not having full-time work. I know I did the right thing in leaving, but right now, that “You’re worthless, no one wants you on their staff unless they’re going to mistreat/underpay you, why can’t you just suck it up and deal with working in miserable conditions just like everyone else” voice is beating heavily into me.

This week started off so great, too.

Adam’s family, Aidan, and I went down to Millennium Park and to Cloud Gate, which never gets old for me. It was Aidan’s first time there, and he LOVED it. He’d been talking about seeing “the big bean” for ages now.

Fun at Millennium Park!

Aidan lifting the “bean”.

Fun at Millennium Park!

I realized that there were no pictures of me without a camera in front of my face, like this one:

Fun at Millennium Park!

So I had Adam take one of me:

Fun at Millennium Park!

Aidan got wet in the giant fountains. I mean SOAKING!

Fun at Millennium Park!

Fun at Millennium Park!

Fun at Millennium Park!

But he didn’t care much for the train ride home. He was scared to death to go underground (he thought it would be very dark) and the train was very loud. He cried at first.

Yesterday was a good day.

Today started off nicely, too. It was a beautiful day. Perfect temps, sunny, blue skies and fluffy clouds. My most favorite kind of day. I got to meet Adam’s business partner Troy, and I took pictures of the Weird Chicago guys down on the lake shore. Cassidy treated me to a manicure (hadn’t had one since prom) and a pedicure (hadn’t had one since 2006) and my toes look adorable:

Pedicure!

We ate lunch at an adorable Italian place in Niles, IL. and acted silly when we were stuffed to the hilt.

Those Silly Kids

After popping into Target where I found out the gift card Ivy gave me was $40, not $25 like I’d thought, the Selzer’s dropped Aidan and me off and are now heading back toward Georgia.

I’m letting the little disappointments get to me. I got a little carsick today on the way to Target. Didn’t puke, thank God. The new pillow I got reeks and I have to return it. I feel like I’m letting everyone down for various reasons, and I honestly feel like crawling into a hole for a while. Everything’s eating away at my heart and soul and I know it’s a matter of time before I break down (again). But I have my little guy here and he loves me no matter what, so I’m going to hang on to that.

The job hunting blogs keep bleating the same thing. “YOU WILL NOT FIND A JOB SCOURING THE JOB BOARDS AND THE WANT ADS. THE ONLY WAY TO GET JOBS IS THROUGH CONTACTS AND NETWORKING.” Well, that’s nice and all, IF YOU FREAKIN’ HAVE CONTACTS. Guess who pretty much has ZERO contacts in Chicago. The agencies have been somewhat helpful. There is one here that I’ve had really great luck with, one that I’ve had OK luck with, and one that I’ve had a bit of luck with. But none of the full-time stuff I was up for panned out. That’s about as far as having contacts goes for me. It just seems like that “dream job” is always going to be out of reach. I want to do what I’m good at and what I love, and I want to be compensated well (or at least paid a living wage for goodness sakes) and treated with respect while I do so. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting away while someone gets rich off of me while I’m away from my adorable little boy. But that won’t happen as long as I seek work for others… but I’m too scared to try to do this on my own on the self-employment route. I feel trapped and stuck and scared. Like I’ve gone backwards instead of forward or even lateral, and that’s the way it’s always going to be for someone like me, whose talents are a dime a dozen in one of the most competitive fields out there.

And folks, that’s how I feel now. Sad and tired (haven’t had a lot of sleep the past several days) and like the world’s biggest failure except when it comes to Aidan. And sometimes, I have my doubts about that too. :(

Bye.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

More About Little Lucy…

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. I feel a little better this morning, a little more accepting. Still hurting, though. I miss her. But I realize that I miss the healthy Lucy. The one who would plant her butt firmly on my keyboard when I was in the middle of typing an email or a LJ entry. The one who would stick her nose all the way into my mouth until she was satisfied that she learned what I had for dinner. The one who would wake me up at 2am because she had decided to pull my hair for whatever reason. The Little Lucy who wanted to get pet and darn it, she was GOING to get pet no matter what I was doing that I thought was so important.

I have never lost a major pet before. I always had fish and hamsters, and although I was sad that they left, it wasn’t like this. I had a dog in high school. Darby the Dog. He ran away while I was away at school, and although deep down I know that he probably didn’t survive, I like to believe that someone saw how awesome he was and took him in.

Lucy hadn’t been doing well ever since she moved here. At first, I thought it was stress from the move, that she needed a bit of space and would come out when she was ready; that was how she’d done big changes in the past. But this time she never really bounced back. Instead, she started eating less and less, drinking less and less, and then she wasn’t eating or drinking at all. She was always a little cat, but she was down to 4.5 pounds. She could barely walk without collapsing. Her liver had basically shut down, and she was dehydrated. It would have taken a week in the hospital to MAYBE get her better, and there is no way she could have handled that. She was always a delicate little thing, nervous and skittish. Even if it was just the two of us, any sudden movement would send her running to hide under the bed or behind the toilet. The stay in the hospital would have been far too traumatic for her. The vet said that given how sick she was, this was something that had going on for a while, and the stress from the move might have helped trigger it. :(

I’m slowly coming to terms with having made the decision to put her down yesterday. It was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever made. But when I held her in that office for one last time, and she was looking away, I knew that she had already said good-bye.

I feel so many things right now. Heartbreak, grief, emptiness, guilt. I knew that one day I would lose her, but I honestly expected at least six more years with her. To have her gone so suddenly is a shock.

I miss my little Lucy.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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