writing

No Excuses

So….

I have this new laptop, so I really have no excuse not to write.

I have a framework that I pounded out with an agent, (at HER INSISTENCE!) so I have no excuse not to write.

I have an entire evening free, and most of tomorrow, and tomorrow evening free. I have no excuse not to write.

Why is it so hard for me to get started?

* * * * *

The other day, I was remembering how much fun I had when I was writing Only Yours. I spent EVERY free moment writing, and when I wasn’t writing, I was thinking about writing. Or talking about my characters as though they were real people. It gave me so much joy to work on that project.

Now, it’s like a weight. A constant dialogue in my head.
“You SHOULD be writing. You’re going to let people down if you don’t write. Oh great, you just wrote more CRAP. What is your problem? See these other authors? See your friends? See how they pound out great stuff? See how he got another book deal? See how she hit NYT? See how she finally got that offer? Oh look, that one went to auction. Why can’t YOU do that???”

When I am at work, all I do is sit there thinking “I can’t WAIT to get home and write.”

I get home and make excuses.

“The neighbor’s TV/stereo/sex-sounding workout is too loud.”
“I have to see what’s on email, Facebook, LiveJournal first.”
“Let me play a quick game or five of Anagrams.”
“Oh, I should see if Adam’s online.”

Well, Adam’s at work now. The neighbors are finally quiet. I’ve checked email/Facebook/Livejournal. I’ve already played Anagrams. So now what’s my problem?

* * * * *

The ideas are in my head. I can’t seem to get them out. Something is blocking me.

* * * * *

Fear

* * * * *

I’m afraid of failing.
I’m afraid of writing another 20K words and then realizing this doesn’t work either.
I’m afraid of finishing a book and having a crit partner tell me NO NO NO.
I’m afraid of finishing it, and having my agent reject it.
I’m afraid I don’t have another good book in me.
I’m afraid I won’t feel the magic I felt when I was writing Only Yours.
I’m afraid that I’m completely done.

I’m afraid that reading and editing all day mentally exhausts me, which is why when I DO buckle down, I do best on Sunday afternoons.

I’m afraid of getting started.

I’m afraid of enjoying it.
I’m afraid of succeeding.

I’m afraid of writing.

* * * * *

What if I have no more stories to tell?

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An Early Publishing Credit

I was eighteen, and I’d graduated from high school earlier that summer. Some of the Mousketeers from the All New Mickey Mouse Club came to Cleveland to promote their new album MMC (I have two copies, one of them still sealed!). I’d wanted to originally interview one of the ‘teers for the teen section of The Plain Dealer (called Next), but someone beat me and my best friend Charla to it. So, I got the next best thing. I got to review the record.

Disney sent me a press kit with photos, a press release, and a copy of the MMC CD. But I’d already had the CD—I’d won it in a contest for Teen Beat a few months prior (along with a water bottle and a signed poster. Now, mind you, after meeting them, I had tons of signed MMC stuff, so that just added to my collection.) So I was ready to review it.

This wasn’t my first publishing credit, but it was the first article I actually got paid money for. You can click the picture for a larger, more readable size. :)

I even have the little slip of paper that says how much I got paid, and what for. I had a lot of confidence in my writing back then. I hope I can get it back soon.

(fyi – commenting is closed to anonymous and non-friends until Sunday. just a precaution…)

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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:)

Lauren Barnholdt is amazing. Just thought I’d let you all know that. ?

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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Crap

I tried, dang it. I tried to leave the writing world forever and ever amen.

It keeps pulling me back.

Why????

Okay, I know damn well why. I guess I simply can’t escape what’s a part of me.

*heads grudgingly back to keyboard*

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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Back On A Break

Not sure when I’ll be posting here again (as if I wasn’t posting sparadically enough!). I just don’t have the mental capacity/energy/mojo to bother with the writing world for now. I was stressing too much about getting it back. Feeling guilty because I wasn’t sitting around cranking out thousands of words of manuscript every month.

Now I just don’t care. There’s no joy in it for me anymore. Not right now, at least.

Maybe things will change. I don’t know. But for now, I have to let go.

So that’s what I’m doing.

Later.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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