The hardest block I’m trying to work through is the “you need to be working on more important things than this silly dream of yours” block. This block is more dangerous than writer’s block, in my opinion, because this block convinces me that my writing is a waste of time, that I’ll never make it, that this is a stupid daydream and that I need to give up on it and get a job at Applebee’s or something to make ends meet, instead of wasting time trying to write something that an editor will buy. Then something that people will buy.

At least with writer’s block, one has the desire and the will to write. The YNTBWONMITTTSDOY block is one that induces guilt, and shame, and makes me feel as though I don’t really have a right to do this, because there’s nothing really to strive for other than a bunch of useless manuscripts to shove under the proverbial bed, a lot of wasted time, and nothing really to show for it.

I am scared that all of my friends will realize their writing dreams, and I’ll be left in the dust. And I especially fear that this is something else I can add to the “just not good enough” pile. Once upon a time, I’d considered myself anything but ordinary. But now, I think I’m nothing but ordinary.

And as much as that thought disappoints me, it doesn’t surprise me. It’s how I’ve always thought of myself.

I pray that I learn to stop expecting every thing that ends up on the screen or on paper to be perfect the first time it comes out.
I pray that I rediscover the love of writing, and stop worrying about who will or will not like my work.
I pray that I stop being so bitter about the successes of those who have discovered their dreams, so that my energy can be focused on making MY dreams come true.

I pray that I am ready for the day I finally sell a book.
I pray that I believe, again, that I can sell a book.
I pray that I have the strength to keep chasing my dreams of becoming published.

Amen.

Hey, folks.

I am in need of someone to read over CRUSH and give me a thorough (I’m talking fine-tooth comb) but gentle critique of it.

I want to give it another go. I can’t let this book sit by and collect dust–I believe in it.

I’d like it back on or before January 20th. Any takers? Please comment. I’ll be willing to look over some stuff in return if need be.

Thanks!

I’ve been hiding out from the writing world. Obviously. I’ve needed to distance myself from industry news, from being immersed in a world that I wasn’t sure I was meant to be a part of. I’m still keeping my distance in some cases. My writing inbox has nearly 3000 pieces of mail I have never looked at. I haven’t looked at Miss Snark in months. My issues of The Writer and Writer’s Digest get tossed aside, unread. My feelings were too bitter, too angry, to be healthy. And they have to potential to turn back, so I will keep myself distanced until I feel healthy enough to deal with everyone’s good news, successes, and trials and tribulations.

I’ve been working as a copy editor at Zaner-Bloser. I’ve had the opportunity to read some fantastic books, and also read many different writing styles. Sandra Cisneros. Lois Lowry. Edward Bloor. As I gobbled up novel after novel, I felt that familiar tingle in my gut. The frantic searching for a paper and a pen so I could jot down ideas, techniques, and sketches. Plots, characters. I’ve found myself writing, almost against my will. False starts. Books that get to 5K and lose their fizzle. I fill up pages and pages with notes, but I’m not sure what to do with them, yet. The ideas come, but I’m scared about where they’re going, so I just write them down. For once, I’m not going to force myself to think I NEED to do something with them right away. In the meantime, my paper journals have been filling up. My mind is constantly churning. And that’s okay. One step at a time.

My personal life has been in upheaval like whoa. Probably reasons I NEEDED to step away from writing, reasons I haven’t sold, because I’m really NOT ready to devote to my career like I need to if I want the exposure/success I need. I hope I will by mid-2007, but we’ll see.

There is a such thing as trying too hard. I won’t let it happen to me again.