Month: July 2004

Jibber Jabber

Woo. I am unbelievably tired. You have no idea how tired I am. I’m not sure how I’m still going, exactly…

So, I was doing a survey, and the the survey was about baby care products. It asked me if I was the mother of the child, blah blah blah. I answered YES. So, it KNEW I was the mom. So why did it ask me if I was a male or a female?

My boss had yellow police tape across his cube/office so no one would bother him today.

I need to slow down. I’m wearing myself thin and it’s not healthy at all. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and torn in a million different directions, the biggest arrow pointing towards Aidan. If anyone tells you that children aren’t work, they are LYING though their teeth. Being a mom is the hardest job ever. Especially a working mom (working 9 to 5, :) Kelly P)

I’m really looking forward to having a week to myself in four weeks. Chris is taking Aidan on a boy’s trip to the mountains for a week, which means seven glorious days of me time! I won’t know how to handle it. It will be so weird to have little responsibility and all the free time to do whatever I want. I’m sure I’ll miss Aidan a LOT, but it will be awesome to have a break.

Forgive me if I’ve alread posted about that. Meep.

I could go for a long, long, long nap right now. I just don’t think it will happen. I won’t get to sleep until at least midnight, as usual. I’m worried that I’m getting sick. I just feel so tired and weak all the time. And achy. It just seems so bleak when all I want is to sleep and the prospect of doing such a thing is approxiamately 12 hours away. That’s a long, long time when you’re tried.

But oh well. I brought it on myself. I thought I was doing well, getting to bed by 1:30. No, that’s BAD. I need to be in bed by 11 at the latest. It’s hard when Aidan won’t go to bed until after 11, and I still have 239848 things to do after then. Ugh.

I’m not going to dwell, though.

I saw Katie’s daddy this morning at work! He was coming out of the elevator as I was going in. Funny, because I was thinking of her a lot on the way in. I need to see her soon.

Tami comes home next week! Tuesday! How exciting is that? It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. She’s going to have to get her body back on USA time. I can’t wait to see her. Wow. I can’t believe she’s been gone nearly 10 weeks. Hard to believe that 10 weeks has gone by.

OOooo, I could so go for a massage right now. Deep tissue. Mmmmm.

Alright then. I guess I am done babbling nonsense. Remind to never update when I am dead tired. I just don’t think I’m making much sense.

Later gators.

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When I Say That I Am A Christian

When I Say That I Am A Christian

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I am not shouting that I am saved,
I’m whispering…”I was lost”…That’s why I chose this way.

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I don’t speak of this with pride,
I am confessing that I stumble (all the time) and need someone to be my guide.

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I am not trying to be strong,
I’m professing that I am weak…and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I’m not bragging of success,
I’m admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I am not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible but God believes I am worth it.

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches…which is why I speak his name!

When I say that…”I am a Christian”…I do not wish to judge,
I have no authority…I am only loved.

I didn’t write this, but I think it’s so pretty.

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So Little Time…

Time flies so quickly, and yet it seems to stand still. A paradox? Yes. Let me explain. When I am at work, the days sometimes drag on and on. Today was okay because I had lots to do. But during my down times, the days go slow, and I find myself resenting that time when I could be working on something *I* care about, like my writing (which I’ve been neglecting terribly), my website, or connecting with my friends. When I am looking forward to something, it seems that time trudges to this thing, but then before I know it, it’s here, and then it’s over. Poof. Gone.

My evenings speed by, especially the ones where I spend time with my friends. There are so many people I want to spend time with in any way–emailing, phone, IMing, or in person, and I find myself overwhelmed because there seems to be so little time. I feel like a Sim. You remember how you always wanted to build up the Sims social but they were always too tired and they were spending all day at work? That’s me. Oh yeah. I never have time to play a computer game either, and I sometimes wish I had a few hours to kill playing Roller Coaster Tycoon or The Sims or Zoo Tycoon.

Sometimes, I want to =do things creatively, or journal, and it’s so late that I can’t after I’ve spent time with friends. All because I have to get up for work the next day. And I find myself resentful of the job. (NOT of the friends!)

It’s stupid, really. I am very grateful for my job. It allows me to live as I do, to have fun, to give. I sometimes wish I could spend less time working and more time on ME. I know that won’t ever happen. I need a full time job. I need the money. And so I’ll work and work probably til I am too sick to do it anymore. Retirement? Hah. I can’t even save $100. So, there will be no retirement for me! I guess my deal is that while my job is okay, it’s not really satisfying or fulfilling. And that’s probably what many people say about their jobs, so I know I’m not alone. I’m glad it’s there–I’m grateful for the income. But I wish I could do something I’m passionate about and get paid well for it.

My dream is still to be an author. And I just need to take the time and work on my writing instead of running from it. I get so nervous at what’s out there. The rejections, the publishing world. Putting my baby out there for people to see, read, criticise. It’s scary, and I know I’m hesistating writing my synopsis because I have cold feet. But I have to get over it and do it. If I don’t, then I’ll never become a bestselling author, and I will resent being a secretary for the rest of my life. To realize my dream, I have to work for it. Dear Lord, give me strength to endure…everything on that front.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to do what Hermione did in the 3rd Harry Potter, when she did the time thing. I’d get to find ways to do all the stuff I want to do socially, personally, spiritually.

The last week of August, Chris is taking Aidan and some friends on a “guy’s trip” to the Smokey Mtns in Tennessee. This will give me plenty of time for ME. I won’t know what to do with myself, and all the free time. I hope to spend it relaxing, getting in touch with God, rejuvenating. Also connecting with my friends.

In the meantime, I need to take a shower and go to bed. So… g’night.

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This is going to sound cheesy, but man, I felt popular today/yesterday. I have several phone calls to return, had no fewer than FIVE IMs waiting for me when I got back to my computer, and I spent the evening (and early morning hours) with Kelly P! I do so enjoy hanging out with her and talking to her. And eating pizza and watching MMC. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect evening and a more perfect person to spend it with. She’s awesome. (Sorry, Kelly, for being so mushy!)

This is such a change from just six months ago. I felt so alone. I had no one to hang out with, or just have fun with. All of my bestest friends live out of town. At first, I was okay with that, but my counselor tells me face-to-face contact is so important. And I realize that she’s right. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed hanging out with people. Playing games with them. Having conversations. I can’t believe I isolated myself so much, and thought it was OKAY. I thought I didn’t need people. I figured that no one wanted me around anyway, so I was better off alone. Where I couldn’t ever be hurt.

I know that when I get into my writing phase, I freak out. I need lots of alone time to concentrate and create. But you know, I realize that I need to be around people even when I’m in my writing phase. They inspire me. Motivate me. Because I want to write something for them to relate to. For them to enjoy. It’s weird, that.

So, I need to get some rest and get ready for a long day tomorrow. There is work, of course, then I HAVE to get that oil change–I’m starting to get paranoid now, and small group at Garth’s house. Aidan’s so rambunctious now, so I hope he behaves. I have a feeling it won’t be too serious anyway, so it will be all good.

And guess what! Tami comes back in less than a week!!! OOOOOOO! I can’t wait to see her! I miss her. She’s going to be amazed at how the group has changed over the past few months. Wow, our group is going to change again once she is back. It will be awesome.

Alright. It’s nearly 3am. I am going to be so tired tomorrow. I think Red Bull and a lunchtime nap in the car might will be on the agenda. But now I see that Kelly is no longer idle, which means she’s home safely, so I can now rest easily. Good night, all. Til next time….

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