Day: July 28, 2004

So Little Time…

Time flies so quickly, and yet it seems to stand still. A paradox? Yes. Let me explain. When I am at work, the days sometimes drag on and on. Today was okay because I had lots to do. But during my down times, the days go slow, and I find myself resenting that time when I could be working on something *I* care about, like my writing (which I’ve been neglecting terribly), my website, or connecting with my friends. When I am looking forward to something, it seems that time trudges to this thing, but then before I know it, it’s here, and then it’s over. Poof. Gone.

My evenings speed by, especially the ones where I spend time with my friends. There are so many people I want to spend time with in any way–emailing, phone, IMing, or in person, and I find myself overwhelmed because there seems to be so little time. I feel like a Sim. You remember how you always wanted to build up the Sims social but they were always too tired and they were spending all day at work? That’s me. Oh yeah. I never have time to play a computer game either, and I sometimes wish I had a few hours to kill playing Roller Coaster Tycoon or The Sims or Zoo Tycoon.

Sometimes, I want to =do things creatively, or journal, and it’s so late that I can’t after I’ve spent time with friends. All because I have to get up for work the next day. And I find myself resentful of the job. (NOT of the friends!)

It’s stupid, really. I am very grateful for my job. It allows me to live as I do, to have fun, to give. I sometimes wish I could spend less time working and more time on ME. I know that won’t ever happen. I need a full time job. I need the money. And so I’ll work and work probably til I am too sick to do it anymore. Retirement? Hah. I can’t even save $100. So, there will be no retirement for me! I guess my deal is that while my job is okay, it’s not really satisfying or fulfilling. And that’s probably what many people say about their jobs, so I know I’m not alone. I’m glad it’s there–I’m grateful for the income. But I wish I could do something I’m passionate about and get paid well for it.

My dream is still to be an author. And I just need to take the time and work on my writing instead of running from it. I get so nervous at what’s out there. The rejections, the publishing world. Putting my baby out there for people to see, read, criticise. It’s scary, and I know I’m hesistating writing my synopsis because I have cold feet. But I have to get over it and do it. If I don’t, then I’ll never become a bestselling author, and I will resent being a secretary for the rest of my life. To realize my dream, I have to work for it. Dear Lord, give me strength to endure…everything on that front.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to do what Hermione did in the 3rd Harry Potter, when she did the time thing. I’d get to find ways to do all the stuff I want to do socially, personally, spiritually.

The last week of August, Chris is taking Aidan and some friends on a “guy’s trip” to the Smokey Mtns in Tennessee. This will give me plenty of time for ME. I won’t know what to do with myself, and all the free time. I hope to spend it relaxing, getting in touch with God, rejuvenating. Also connecting with my friends.

In the meantime, I need to take a shower and go to bed. So… g’night.

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This is going to sound cheesy, but man, I felt popular today/yesterday. I have several phone calls to return, had no fewer than FIVE IMs waiting for me when I got back to my computer, and I spent the evening (and early morning hours) with Kelly P! I do so enjoy hanging out with her and talking to her. And eating pizza and watching MMC. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect evening and a more perfect person to spend it with. She’s awesome. (Sorry, Kelly, for being so mushy!)

This is such a change from just six months ago. I felt so alone. I had no one to hang out with, or just have fun with. All of my bestest friends live out of town. At first, I was okay with that, but my counselor tells me face-to-face contact is so important. And I realize that she’s right. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed hanging out with people. Playing games with them. Having conversations. I can’t believe I isolated myself so much, and thought it was OKAY. I thought I didn’t need people. I figured that no one wanted me around anyway, so I was better off alone. Where I couldn’t ever be hurt.

I know that when I get into my writing phase, I freak out. I need lots of alone time to concentrate and create. But you know, I realize that I need to be around people even when I’m in my writing phase. They inspire me. Motivate me. Because I want to write something for them to relate to. For them to enjoy. It’s weird, that.

So, I need to get some rest and get ready for a long day tomorrow. There is work, of course, then I HAVE to get that oil change–I’m starting to get paranoid now, and small group at Garth’s house. Aidan’s so rambunctious now, so I hope he behaves. I have a feeling it won’t be too serious anyway, so it will be all good.

And guess what! Tami comes back in less than a week!!! OOOOOOO! I can’t wait to see her! I miss her. She’s going to be amazed at how the group has changed over the past few months. Wow, our group is going to change again once she is back. It will be awesome.

Alright. It’s nearly 3am. I am going to be so tired tomorrow. I think Red Bull and a lunchtime nap in the car might will be on the agenda. But now I see that Kelly is no longer idle, which means she’s home safely, so I can now rest easily. Good night, all. Til next time….

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