*WARNING – whiny, complaining rant ahead*

Folks, I’m just plain weary. Of what, you may ask? I have the perfect life, right? A husband, beautiful son, two computers, my own car. I have a full time job, lots of clothing, tons of friends, a great church. So what do I have to be complaining about?

Well, right now, Aidan is crying because he wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep. It’s already nearly 10pm. I lay with him for 40 minutes already. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Work. Crappity crappity CRAP. Work where I will get chewed out for taking too much time off. Well SORRY that I had a kidney stone and there was no sitter to watch Aidan on Friday. Boo hiss. Work where I have to do the most stupid tasks over and over and then get chastised for not being more “proactive.” You know the reason I’m not “proactive?” Because I DON’T WANT MORE meetings to set up, conference rooms to find, meetings to take minutes in. I just don’t. I know there are crappy parts to every job and that I need to just shut up and do it like a big girl, but I’m so weary. I want something that will challenge me in a FUN way. Something that will cause me to be creative.

I know we’re not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but I get resentful when I think of people much younger than I am doing jobs they LOVE and making twice as much money as I do. Yes, I know, God has me in my current position for a good reason, but I’m human, not godly. So I’m going to be bitter and jealous sometimes. Besides, if I got a job I liked, I’d probably do something to %$#! it up anyway since I have it ingrained in me that I don’t deserve to ever be happy. So even if something good does happen, I find a way to screw it up.

Not only this, but again, it’s nearly 10pm (at the time of this sentence). I’ve basically been a single mom all weekend. Chris ran off to Chicago with Craig and Abe to watch a stupid Ohio State football game. Thank GOD for friends like Christy and Chad who had me over to their home yesterday and today to share the load of Aidan and also to keep me from being lonely. Loneliness. I don’t even want to get into that. :( I’m worn out, even with all of their help. The condition of the family room leaves something to be desired. Cheeze-Its and poop is all over the floor, not to mention the other stains from various leaky sippy cups and whatnot. Yes, my son dumped a whole box of Cheeze-Its on the floor, and when I was upstairs getting the vaccuum, he decided to take off his diaper and poop. On the carpet. I cleaned it up best I could and sprayed carpet stuff all over it, but I think I’m going to have to rent a steam cleaner or something to take care of that carpet. The house had a bad smell all weekend, I have to feed the cats, and my back hurts. I ate Chinese food for dinner (huge thank you to Chad and Christy for treating me to dinner TWO nights in a row), and now I am on my way to having heartburn or something. Chris neglected to tell me that there was wet laundry in the washer. Bad smell #1. The trash. Bad smell #2. The dishes. Bad smell #3. I think they all have been taken care of now, but there is still so much to do (preferably BEFORE I go to Vegas):

– My laundry.
– Clean family room.
– Call Mommy.
– Spend time with KT_P (live4himalways).
– Catch up on 27 emails.
– Get ministry application to Joshua.
– Research agents and editors.
– Final readthrough/nitpicking session of novel.
– Figure out finances because Chris’s mom is getting tired of watching Aidan all the time and we need another sitter; one who we’ll have to pay.
– Refine/prune Tuesday night life group member list.
– Upload up to 3 new photo albums.
– Balance checkbook.

I’m also sad about The Grove on Tuesday. I don’t think I’m going to go. I was all excited because Chris had said he was going to work early that day. Well, turns out we have no sitter again. He will work his normal 12-9pm shift. So I will have Aidan. That means that I will get N-O-T-H-I-N-G out of the service, so there is absolutely no point in me going. Grrr. :(

My back is hurting again. I’ve missed 2 chiro adjustments, so I wonder if that’s why. I’m not looking forward to the long drive tomorrow morning, but oh well. Whatever. I do know that 8 minutes of traction is too much, so I’m dropping down to 6 for the next couple of times, I think.

Ivy is gone. The work week is starting. And I have so much to do and stupid me is being counterproductive by updating my live journal instead of tackling my list. I guess I just needed to write.

And now I feel guilty because I let Aidan cry himself to sleep. :( I feel like a horrible mommy right now. I truly hate myself sometimes often.

Crap, I have to plug in my laptop. I’m sure it’s died by now. Bugger.


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