Day: October 14, 2004

Busy Days Ahead…

Tomorrow is The Grove Leadership Advance. I was driving this morning and finally understood why it was called an Advance. See, most things like that are called Retreats. But we aren’t meeting to find out how to retreat. We’re trying to find ways to make the young adult ministry grow. Thus, Advance. Pastor Mike is clever. :)

And I am a dork.

I didn’t think I’d get there until late, but Craig has come through again. So, I get to be there pretty close to on time, as long as traffic is okay. I’m looking forward to learning and sharing. I think it’s going to be very nice.

So, tomorrow, my day looks like this:

Work 730-4
Aidan 5pm (commute 45 minutes)
Chiro 6pm (commute 1 hr)
Craigs 630pm
Leadership Advance 7ish

Had a good evening. I didn’t get to bed until 1:30 this morning, so I was happy to hear Aidan’s grandmother report that he hadn’t taken a nap today. The drive home was slow thanks to some truck, and I didn’t mind because I had a feeling Aidan would fall asleep. HE DID! He was out, and so I took a nap with him. Then we watched Strongbad and looked at pictures until Chris got home. Now Aidan is downstairs watching Little People with Chris, and I’m going to take a bath and then take my laptop into my room to write, I think.

So. I have a question. Especially for you hard core travelers (ie Kelly P). I want to take my laptop to Vegas on the plane. I know I’m allowed a carryon, but are they weird about cables and stuff? Say I want to listen to my iPod and hook it up to my computer. Will they freak out about that? I guess I should read up on it.

I have a piece of pretty blue luggage thanks to Katie M. I’ve only packed some socks and a few toiletries so far, though. I have to get on that Saturday. Perhaps pick up a new little somethin-somethin. :) I definitely need 35mm film. Greg got me a fanny pack, so I may use that for my cameras. Yes, I will surely have multiples.

Randomness II album updated again with pictures from Lake Hope and some pretty trees as well. :) Newest pictures on the last pages. Other albums in progress. YAY. I love pictures.

Okay, bath and bedtime for me. Chris has taken Aidan duty, which I am not sure is such a good thing. He gave Aidan a red popsicle and now Aidan is beyond hyper. He’s going nuts with his mower, and Chris had to confiscate his Little People pumpkin because he was throwing it. That kid has an arm!

Good night!

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Hanging On By A Thread

This week has been trying, to say the least. Seems that no matter what I do to try to stay happy and optimistic, something happens to try to push me back down. And Lord knows I’m trying to keep smiling. I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold on.

I applied for another Communications Specialist position, only to be told I’m “talented” but not talented enough. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. To hear the “people that matter” talk, I’m a crappy secretary. Because “doing your job” is not good enough at Nationwide. The decision-makers don’t believe I’m good enough to do what I LONG to do, so where does that leave me? I feel worthless, stupid, and like my life (in the career sense) is a waste. Will I ever be good for anything?

My car. Of course, the guy glanced at it and said “I can’t repair this. I have to replace it. It’s going to cost you $324.00.” So much for debt reduction. Seems I can’t ever get ahead.

I had a coupon for 5 free pieces of cardstock at Archivers last night. I’d picked out cool colors. Then I lost the coupon. Someone got MY free cardstock. Such a little thing, and it’s not like I don’t have 3489572985789 pieces of cardstock already, AND it wasn’t Bazzil, so I shouldn’t be this down about it. But I am.

There are lots of little things adding up and really starting to weigh on me. Being stuck behind drivers who smoke in traffic. Freezing because if I turn on the heater, all of their smoke will get sucked into my car and I have to smell the stench. Freezing at work. Sitting across a guy I knew from college who thinks it’s fun to laugh at me because he’s still pissed at me for something that happened over 10 years ago. I tell myself I don’t care about this stuff, but apparently I do.

I worry about everything. I want to think that I don’t care what people think of me, but that’s such bull. I do care. I walk away from every encounter wondering if I did something to piss someone off. I always wonder if I’m behaving in a way to evoke suspicion as to the real parts of me that I keep hidden from the majority of the world. I read cryptic messages and wonder if they are about me, and I analyse every action, every syllable to see if *I* did something to make someone write those kinds of things. Yes, just a little bit egocentric. I beat myself up for having done hurtful and stupid things to people years and years ago. What good does the self-beration do now? Logically, I know this! Yet, my heart won’t follow my brain.

My coworker Susan is going through this body detox program. She is on a strict diet and takes lots of vitamins and minerals and drink lots of water. She’s only been on it a few days and she says she feels great already. I wonder if there are similar programs for our brains. A detoxifier to clear out all the guilt and the pain and the shame and the hurt and the evil and the thoughts and all the immorality. I try to give it all to God…but I’m not so talented at letting go.

Today, my boss is out of the office. His sister-in-law is seriously ill. She’s only 30 and has a 10 month old. She may die, and she’s only 30. That’s how old I’m going to be in December. If I died at 30, would I even be missed? Did I even do anything worthy? Did my life glorify God? They’d wonder why was I so hesistant to take risks and follow my dreams?. People would read my journals and hate me. They’d hate what I hide from them. They’d hate my secrets. My memory would not be revered by some.

Perhaps I should burn the journals.

I’m trying to focus on the good things. I have a job. I can still drive my car. Kelly S (itskels) and I have been emailing and that’s been going great. (I know a lot of Kellys) I’m going to Las Vegas next week. I have friends out the wazoo. And how can I forget how amazing Tuesday night was for me?

I have so many dreams. So many. Sometimes, I feel like I am more special than the life I’m living. Does that make sense? Like, I can’t just accept that I’m meant to be a normal, typical, suburban person. I want more. I need more. I did my personality inventory the other night, and I got “Artisan Performer.” I can’t remember the intitials. But it’s true. I long to be more than I am. And there are times I feel I can make it. That I WILL be a bestselling author. But then reality hits. And I get overwhelmed at the whole process, and I’m think to myself “there is no way I can do this.” Oh, but I want it to badly!

I don’t like feeling like this. I’m trying to cheer myself up. I’m listening to “empowering” music. But none of it is speaking to me. How will I get out of this funk?

I know that I’m better off not having that job. It’s in Nationwide Financial, and I hated working for them. But it would have been writing. WRITING. I need to find writing jobs. Ones that pay. I get the emails with the markets and what they pay, and I file them away, thinking “someday.” Someday needs to be soon. As in before the end of 2004 soon.

I’m really trying to believe there is something else, something better for me. Something more suited to my skills and passions. Something that will continuously WOW my bosses. Or perhaps, I can be my own boss someday. I just think writing is my only way out, and so I have to crank it out.

Alright. I have stuff to do, and I might do some mindless surveys. Later….

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