I can’t seem to dip below ten emails that need attention in my AOL mailbox. Everytime I clear one away, two or three more pop up in its place! So, I’m a little bit behind. Megan and Ashlee, forgive me! You’re flagged for follow-up.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Anger is a pretty intense emotion. I’m not a fan of feeling it. I think I’m most comfortable somewhere between sad and really effing depressed, with a little anxiety/stress thrown in. And happiness. Ay yi yi. Feeling true happiness is so strange for me.

Counseling today was mostly EMDR. My thoughts go kind of crazy during EMDR. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place. It’s draining but was fun during the “think of things that make Ronni happy” part.

My throat is not happy. It’s kind of scratchy. I could go for a long sleep, but I have sort of a long evening ahead. I’m considering not even stopping at home; if I go there, I’m not leaving! And I have Grove stuff to do tonight.

Have you ever wondered what people really think of you? Like, I have lots of friends. More than I ever could have imagined. A few of them I feel I can trust with my life. I know they love me unconditionally and will do anything for me. And I will for them.

Then there are the friends who I’m getting to know, who I’m slowly letting into the deepest parts of my heart, but still, not really. Not yet.

But there are those who I truly don’t understand. What is that person really thinking when he looks at me? What are her true intentions for being nice to me? And the whopper–are these people being nice to me because:

a. they feel obligated to?
b. it’s the Christian thing to do?
c. they don’t want to hurt my feelings?
d. they don’t want to look bad?
e. all of the above?

What are their intentions for me? To use me? To get something from me? To keep an eye on me? To manipulate me?

Or are their motives as pure as mine–people simply longing for friendship and fun (and maybe food). :)

Unfortunately (and I’m trying to learn differently), I base my opinion of myself on what people think of me way too often. That makes me wishy-washy and kind of flaky, I think. And it gives those with meaner spirits ammunition to make me feel like crap any time they want. Although I logically know that the Truth is what I should be believing, the lies are so much easier to soak up because they are said with such authority.

So when I’m in a group of people and I find myself “talking to much” I get embarrassed and try to quiet down. I tell myself “you’re annoying people.” Then the lies begin to pour in.

– they don’t care about you
– you’re dumb
– they’re only putting up with you because of [insert reason here]
– you’re making a fool out of yourself again
– shut up, nobody likes you!

So then I decide that maybe, just maybe if I disappear, no one would miss me. I’ll stop calling and emailing and such.

Luckily, I’m always proven wrong.

The voices have been dwindling. But sometimes, something or someone triggers them. All it takes is one thoughtless gesture or word and suddenly, the barrage of lies seem to have some validity to them.

Believing the Truth over the lies is a constant struggle and fight for me. I have a feeling that I’m not alone. Sometimes I get tired of fighting everything. I just want to sleep for days. Drink wine and sleep. And eat Hohos, maybe.

Secrets, secrets. I have so many….

It’s time for me to ROLL (heehee, Rob).


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