warning: this entry is not all sunshine and bubbles…i did a backbends workshop yesterday and the results of that are coming up now. cue emotional mess!
Lately, I’ve been feeling….
I’m working on a big freelance project, and even though it’s not very HARD nor particularly time-consuming, it is tricky. And also tedious. And also seems to be never ending. But hey, more money is always good so….
AND I like the company a lot.
I haven’t even STARTED on the April newsletter for Moksha. I need to get on that soon–I have a week to work on it and get it approved. I mean, I can and will DO it, but it would’ve been easier if I’d started on it sooner. Cropping pictures without Photoshop is going to be interesting. I have Gimp but Gimp and I FIGHT. So God help me. I guess I can always use “Preview”.
And I have GOT to get this teacher training non-contact stuff done:
1. thesis (2–3 pages)
2. write up for private lessons (finally had my last one Friday night) (3 short paragraphs, 1 page)
3. book reviews (2)
4. study guide questions (1)
It’s not even that hard. I’m just a self-sabatoger. I seriously could have had most of this stuff done months ago. I suck.
But not for long. I’m going to sit down and knock it all out this–probably Tuesday and/or Wednesday. Then I’m just going to submit everything in a big zip file. And then April 26, I’ll be done with teacher training. And I’m going to make sure I tell them I’m celebrating that at Disney World!
The place was a terrible mess, but it’s much better now. I still need to put my laundry away, but the good news is that it’s clean. I also need to clean my room a bit. The snacks and books have taken over my side again.
We redid the living room. We got rid of the blue couch that Helena attacked (read: pissed on) with full force within the first week we had it, and replaced it with two chairs. We also got a new rug. The chairs are super comfortable, and so far, Helena hasn’t done anything to the chairs but sleep on them or get her toys from under them to play with. Crookshanks is sleeping on one in this picture, though. See him? Now can you spot Fi? hint: Fi is not on a chair!
Tax time is coming really fast. Enough said.
Also, I haven’t heard from one of my biggest clients on whether they’re going to use me this year. That is very nervous making. Without them, I will have to find another big client before summer ends.
Because I’m a self-sabotager who self-sabotages. It sucks. I suck. 🙁
I go through this a lot. Those moments when I am convinced that everything I say is stupid, wrong, pointless, and no one cares so I should just take a seat and shut the hell up. I can barely get a sentence out without getting interrupted, but GOD FORBID I interrupt anyone. I feel like I’m constantly pissing people off and making them mad at me. I think people just put up with me because they haven’t anything better to do, that no one really likes me at all. Well, I think Adam likes me, but I know I get on his nerves, too. Hell, *I* get on my nerves. Here’s a sample of the self-talk that goes through my head:
1. Shut up, just shut up. You’re so stupid and NO ONE CARES.
2. I bet none of them really like you. They only put up with you because they have to.
3. OH MY GOD you are so dumb. Seriously, shut the hell up.
4. Look at your fat stomach. You’re disgusting. (This one usually happens when I’m trying on clothes in a fitting room at a store. It gets worse than that if I’m in a particular Victoria’s Secret fitting room with the video monitors that show the models strutting their stuff down the runway. I cannot and will not shop in that store anymore because of that. Other reasons too, but mainly that.)
5. Wow. You’re not good at anything, are you? I mean, you’re OK at some stuff, but you’re not extraordinary at anything. Pathetic.
And then I want to lock myself in the house and hide under the covers and spare the world from my presence. Except Twitter and Tumblr and my blog, apparently.
I didn’t even take all of Jason Crandell’s workshop sessions, but the two I did take (one on back bending, one on forward folding, twisting, and side bends) were quite enough. I did do some poses I’ve never done before, and some I never want to do again! I even did Eka Pada Rajakapotasana II and Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana. I wasn’t even going to try Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana, but I did it and it was awesome. Way easier than Urdhva Dhanurasana… but we did do that one about ten times before Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana. Maybe ANYTHING seems easy after that. Anyway, I would love to soak in a steaming hot tub but the thought of driving out to King Spa tonight is not appealing. Because it’s freaking snowing and given the choice, I’d rather not drive in the snow. So I plan to go tomorrow night instead, after rush hour theoretically dies down. I’m sure I’ll still be sore enough to appreciate the spa pools.
And it sucks when the medication that is supposed to be helping this doesn’t seem to be working.
I LOVE my babysitting gig. The little boy I get to watch is so super cute. I watched him for the first time last Tuesday afternoon. He slept for most of the time, but then he woke up and I went to get him. At first, he looked at me like WTF. But then I picked him up and held him and he just cuddled and cuddled and cuddled. I LIKE that. I miss the weight of a little one cuddling against me. I cuddle with Aidan, but Aidan’s all bones now. It hurts sometimes![1. Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ll still cuddle the hell out of some Aidan. As long as he’ll let me, at least!] One-year-old babies are soft and squishy. I can’t believe I get paid to cuddle a squishy little boy!
Aidan is going to be here in a few days! I completely cleared my calendar so I can spend the entire Spring Break with him, despite the best efforts of the universe. I swear, every time I try to just… make space, a million people/clients/jobs suddenly need me for this or that. Most of the time, I go ahead and take it because well, money! But, this time, I’m setting some boundaries. It is always nice to make money, but I need to spend time with my boy.[2. I’ll work from home, of course. And if the babysitter calls, I’ll help her out. I can bring Aidan with me, which is AWESOME. Double the cuddles!!!!]
I should head to bed soon. See if I can sleep away some of these blues.
Till next time….
I can so relate… I’m so overwhelmed right now with working on the stuff that has to with starting my business… and admittedly still a little bit afraid.
And tax time? That makes me a basket case. I think it’ll likely be a little bit less painful this year because part of the year I was working at a “real job” where I got a W2 and had taxes taken out, but part of the year I freelanced. I really need to buckle down and get an accountant to get me all straightened out financially because taxes have killed me the past couple of years, and really the only reason it has is because I’ve been irresponsible with my money and am horrible at keeping track of business expenses.
I think you’re going to be awesome with your business. I can imagine being overwhelmed and scared… but I’ve learned that when you feel the most scared is when the most amazing things happen.
OH GOD taxes are due in a week, aren’t they? I haven’t even started. 🙁 I’m just going to use the H&R block online software to do it, I think. So much easier than trying to figure that crap out myself.
Aww honey it sounds like you have a a whole lot going on and I am sorry you feel overwhelmed. Just keep those happy Disney World thoughts in your head to get you through the not so fun times.
I’m hanging in there. <3
I feel your pain on a lot of this, especially the “insecure & dumb” part, although I don’t feel that either of those describe you at all! And I saw your more recent post about wanting to take this all back or hide the post, and believe me, I have wanted to do that with a lot of my posts. This one is not even close to being as pathetic as most of mine! You’re adorable (and zip it about the stomach!) and fun and talented. I hope you have (or, had… I am reading this kinda late) a great time with Aidan! And I wish you lots of sunshine and happiness. 😀
You’re so awesome, Jessica. Thank you for your beautiful comments. I did say I was going to keep it more real this year on my blog, so I guess this post did it huh? 🙂
Spring break with Aidan was awesome. He just went back. It’s so quiet here now.