does anyone even read this thing?

/ 2021, aidan, author life, life, pictures, ronni, this night is ours, travel, work, writing

Once upon a time, someone said “the days are long but the years are short,” and as I grow older, that’s feeling more and more true. It’s been well over a year since I posted here, but it doesn’t feel that long. But it’s been many months, and time just keeps ticking.

(There are a lot of pictures in this post, and some of them are taking ages to load, so please bear with me and the servers. Sucks that I have to say this in the year of our Lord 2022, but what can you do?)

I’m still working, blessedly from home. I have a full-time job and various freelance gigs, and I’m still writing on top of that. I (re)started therapy in February 2021, and that’s still ongoing. My new game obsession is Disney Dreamlight Valley, which took the place of my Stardew Valley obsession from earlier this year. Playing cozy video games is definitely my self-care!

I redid my home office to match my aesthetic because pink is beautiful and it makes me happy! And because I spend so much time here, it only makes sense for my office to be a place I want to be. I have two setups and a total of three to four computers in my office. My MacBook Pro, my Razer Chroma gaming laptop, and two work laptops. Good times.

Good things and bad things happened in 2021, globally and personally. There’s been loss, but also birth. Sorrow and joy. Hope and despair. Such is the journey of life.

The Sad

My beloved Charlotte passed away in May of 2021 from cancer. She got sick super suddenly and deteriorated quickly, and my heart is still broken from missing her. She was only four years old. She should still be here.

collage of grey tabby kitty cat, from kitten to age 4

My bio father passed away in October of 2021. We were estranged. I hadn’t spoken to him in decades. And yet, the grief is still there a bit. It’s complicated. But it’s there.

The Joy

Aidan graduated high school, got accepted to every college he applied to, and chose to go to college in Chicago and move in with me and Adam! I was and am THRILLED to have my son with me full-time. He’s just a super amazing person.

I had a blast redoing his room, and my office as well. I ended up making almost everything in my office pink or white, which meant new desks, new shelving, and new chairs. I gave Aidan my old black desk and gaming chair. We installed shelving in his room so he could display all his collectibles and LEGO, and I put together an epic snack cart. That project was SO MUCH FUN. On both accounts. I have an epic snack cart, too.

In fall 2021, my baby started COLLEGE! It’s still hard for me to believe he’s a *man* now. But he’s the very best person I know.

It’s amazing to me that our little family raised this amazing boy. With co-parenting, friendship, and our love for Aidan, I think we did a pretty good job.

I sold another book! And I’m STILL WORKING ON THAT SAME BOOK. This Night is Ours is due to come out sometime in 2024 and I think we’re in the home stretch of edits. Here’s the book deal announcement. Back when I naively thought I’d be able to write a novel in 3 months. Ha. HAHAHAHAHA. So yeah, the date in the announcement is way off!

I’m excited for you all to read it.

Several months after the loss of Charlotte, we were finally ready to open our hearts to a new kitty. Enter Priya. Because it was 2021, we had to make an appointment to see kittens at PAWS. All of the kittens that day were not very socialized, and most of them were terrified of everything. Priya could be coaxed out of her hiding place with treats, and that’s how we decided on her. Initially, she only wanted Aidan to hold her. At home, she liked Miles right away, but he had to do the hissing thing. Establish his dominance. Now they’re best of friends. I’d never had a calico before, and I adore her so much. She’s finally trusting us (although a sudden movement or loud noise will still spook her, and she’s not a fan of strangers. She does like other cats, though), and she cuddles with me at some point every night. She’s not attached to my hip like Charlotte was, but that was special. I don’t know if any other cat will love me like Charlotte did. I’ll take what I can get from little Priya!

In late summer 2021, my bestie Rena had a baby, and I love that child like my own! Auntie Ronni will do anything for that sweet baby! Not posting pictures here to respect their privacy, but just know that every time I see that kid, my heart melts clear through the floor. Just celebrating all the lovely people in my life… that’s a blessing. Such a blessing.

The Adventure

In July 2021, I took my first trip on a plane since February 2020. I’d gotten vaccinated, and mask mandates were still a thing, so I felt fairly safe flying again. I visited Jennifer and her family, and it was just what the doctor ordered. Lovely summery weather, beautiful beaches, a spa day at The Ritz, and nighttime dinners on the boat. Such a great time.

I made it to Paris!

And I am absolutely enchanted by the place. It’s beautiful, and I cried when I saw the Eiffel Tower for the first time. The thing is awe-inspiring and enormous. And a bitch to climb. Make sure you go in on the elevator side if you want to go to the top. Because whew! I climbed up to the 2nd floor (see the middle band around the tower?). It was not fun. But I did it. Fortunately, an elevator was available to take me all the way to the top!

Then I got to visit the gorgeous Palace of Versailles (I always spell that wrong). I can’t even describe how amazingly gorgeous it is. And people lived there. What?

And of course, there was no way I was going to Paris without visiting Disneyland Paris!

Disneyland Paris has been a pipe dream for ages, and I never thought I’d get there. But … I put it on a vision board in 2017, and a lot of the things on there have come true! Maybe it’s time for me to make a new, updated vision board and fill it with more dreams, goals, wishes…

Anyway, Disneyland Paris was really cool and quirky. Some of the rides lasted longer than the rides at Disney World, and (Hyper)space Mountain was way more intense. I really loved feeling that Disney magic even in a new place.

I went down south and spent time with dear Jennifer and her (our) family. I took Aidan and my mom. We also visited Adam’s family. It was busy but rewarding and full of love. There were boat rides and Ulta trips and golf carts and Nerf wars and cookies and mac and cheese and beach walks and just so much goodness.

The Wind Down

I look back at my pictures and I’m just awed at the amazing people in my life. It’s easy to forget when anxiety and depression rear their heads and try to take over. It’s easy to forget when I isolate myself in my office (as pretty as it is) and take on too many freelance projects. And it’s easy to forget when I let social media define my self-worth, which happens way too often.

Speaking of freelance, the 2nd half of 2021 found me buried in work. The day job was super busy, freelance was out of control. It was like the world was waking up from 2020 and trying to make up for lost time. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, and making a point not to overwork myself like that in 2022!!!

But I am happy, overall with how 2021 turned out. I learned a lot, got to open my home, and see people again. I got to venture into the world again. I wish I could say it was a nicer world overall, but the jury is still out on that. I just have to hold on to the things close to me.

Eventually, I will update you on my 2022, but today’s not that day! It’s time for me to wind down and start getting ready for bed. YouTube and Gilmore Girls aren’t going to watch themselves, you know.

More soon!

2 Comments

it’s been awhile.

/ 2020, 2021, life, pictures, ronni

OK wow. So I haven’t posted here in well over a year. 😳 I don’t know why I just… gave up. Well, I have an idea why. Last year was something. Between the pandemic, and “civil unrest” (so cute they call it that when it’s rightful rage in my opinion), elections. It was a remarkable one. Not necessarily great, but definitely remarkable.

I spent most of 2020 hanging out at home. I’m pretty OK with doing that, honestly. I like our place. I only wish Aidan was here with me full-time. That would make it perfect.

A rundown of the biggest 2020 things:

  • WHEN THE STARS LEAD TO YOU earned out. That means any sales now all come to me! I get royalty checks! That’s fun!
  • Also, WHEN THE STARS LEAD TO YOU is getting a paperback with a new cover. It’s gorgeous and I’m so excited for it to be in the world. It comes out on April 27, 2021.

  • AND the German version, titled YOUR HEART, SO CLOSE TO MINE, comes out May 10, 2021.

  • I got to attend a movie premiere: ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. It’s on Netflix. You’ll need tissues and something soft to cuddle when you watch it. It’s a tearjerker. I’m super glad I got to celebrate Jennifer‘s special night with her, and I’m glad we were able to squeeze it in before everything shut down.

  • I got to attend one writer’s retreat last year, and it was my last trip Before. I flew directly from Los Angeles to New Orleans, where I met with some writer friends. We had lunch and then drove to Gulf Shores, where the retreat took place in a beautiful, big airy house. It’s always good to be surrounded by other authors. And I loved the freedom of having to do nothing but write.

  • My hair grew back! It’s long again and I’m so happy. It’s still natural, also. I don’t think I’ll do the Brazillian Blowout thing again, so the truth length (to my armpits!) will remain hidden in my shrunken curls.

  • I started working for Humana again. I got hired full-time at TA Digital, and they have loaned me out to Humana. I’m back on my old team, with my old boss. I’m working from home for now. I hope I can keep working from home once COVID is all sorted. When I think of the panic attacks I had in 2019 the last time I worked onsite—the overstimulation and exhaustion, not to mention lost time with commuting and such—I get super anxious about it. But it won’t be for a while. Because COVID.

  • Oh yes. The elephant in the room. We’re in a deadly pandemic. Hence all the staying home. As of this posting, COVID-19 has killed half a million Americans. It’s scary and devastating, and the collective grief and fear weigh heavily on me. At first, the country shut down completely. But now, places are opening to 100%, which is super scary. There are 3 vaccinations approved for emergency use. They’re giving them out in phases, and I’m not yet qualified. It’s proving really challenging to get appointments for those who are qualified. This whole disaster has been mismanaged from the start. I have a lot of feelings about it, but not sure if I want to go into it now. (We all know this stuff, but I’m recording it here for historical purposes, so when I look back, I can be like: Oh yeah, remember that time?)

It’s a weird, weird time.

I’m glad to be working again. Wait, let me rephrase that. Working is always hard. I’m really, really glad to be earning a steady income (and have benefits!) again! I managed to scrape by last year with various freelance gigs and with help from Adam. I got to do a part-time marketing gig at Sourcebooks, in their romance department, and that was a lot of fun. Mostly I did research and made lots of graphics. I did a mentorship and learned I have a knack for developmental editing, which was a nice surprise. My passion definitely lies within that sort of work. But I get paid so much better being a copy editor in the corporate world, and I enjoy spoiling people I love, helping out my mommy, donating to charities, supporting my favorite creators, and buying fun things for me. Y’all know me. I like money.

And my job isn’t bad. I just miss my freedom to sleep in, to do whatever I wanted all day, etc., etc., but there are so many different kinds of freedom. Right now, I need financial freedom.

I’m doing OK. Mostly. I’m definitely tired, but that could be age. And diet. And lack of exercise. I don’t sleep well without some sort of help. I usually take Benadryl. Tylenol PM if I have aches. My back aches all that time—I haven’t had a massage or an adjustment in a year and my posture sucks. I also haven’t been to therapy in a year. And I grind my teeth so much that sometimes it’s hard to chew crunchy things.

I haven’t seen my mommy since Christmas 2019. I haven’t seen Aidan since January. I miss my friends and my family. I miss hugging people! I miss giggling with Jennifer all night over silly stuff. I miss traipsing around NYC with Wanda and T. I miss gently squeezing my mommy. I miss writing retreats and visiting Los Angeles and going to Disney World and shopping without this Thing in the back of my mind. I miss impulsively deciding to eat at a restaurant or going window shopping. I miss browsing in Target like I used to. Now it’s just in and out. Everyone wearing masks and scuttling around. No chatting with friendly strangers. NO DISNEY WORLD TRIPS. Yes, the parks are open, but I don’t want to have to wear masks, not greet characters, and not get the chance to chat with random strangers while standing in lines. I’ll wait until it’s all clear. The 50th anniversary celebration starts in October and lasts for 18 months. If it’s not safe to go by then, I don’t know WTF. 😩

But I’m also not in a hurry to go back to completely how things were. All the rushing and pushing and stress. It’s only slightly less now, though, so I don’t know. I do know that I don’t miss commuting. I don’t miss the breakneck pace at which everyone was hustling ALL THE TIME. I don’t miss this push to produce produce produce for less and less compensation. Except, in some cases, that’s still happening. Even more so than it used to be. The people who are still working are doing so much more because the economy is worth more to the people in power than lives. And once everything’s safe, I worry that this unsustainable level of pushing is just going to get worse, and it’s only going to serve to make rich people keep getting richer.

I keep having dreams where I book trips to cool places on upgraded flights, and then I never go to the airport. Or I’m at home frantically packing but the flight is going to take off in 20 minutes. Or I’m on a weird plane but that’s about all I get. I don’t know what these dreams mean. But I have too many that have to do with airplanes and flights, or missed flights. Hmm. Maybe the dreams have to do with my feelings about writing and publishing and self-sabotage. 🤔 I have definitely been having an identity crisis in regards to publishing so that tracks.

I’m still tired, and I feel guilty about resting all the time. But I make myself do it. I know all too well how the body will force one to rest if we don’t do it on our own.

My hope, although it’s quite a fleeting hope, to be honest, is that the way COVID-19 made companies and things reevaluate the way they do things will continue. More virtual offerings. Accessibility options like remote work and classes. I’d love to see a more hybrid lifestyle for those who desire it. Those of us who thrive working from home? Let us work from home while those who thrive onsite can do that. People who have disabilities? It’s obviously possible to accommodate them in certain cases. Keep accommodating them.

Those are just a few things I’d love to see happen.

I really don’t have much hope, though. I think things are going to rush right back to the way they were. They’ve been trying it for months now already! I remember around the holidays, when places were going back into “lockdown”, getting emails from shops with “in-store only” coupons. Like, really? Merciless and regimented and stressful. It’s in their best interest to exhaust the working people so the workers don’t have the energy to see how messed up things really are, and then to fight it.

I’m lucky that my job isn’t rushing us back into the office. I plan to work from home as long as I possibly can. But too many places are, and I feel like, the point of being onsite—collaboration, agile, face-to-face interaction—is lost when you have to wear masks and be behind partitions and social distance anyway.

This pandemic is a tragedy that keeps going and going, and I don’t think we (general we) have learned anything good from it. And that’s just another thing to grieve in regards to this whole thing.

Hmm. Maybe I’m not doing so OK. I’m trying, though. And I’m glad I’m still here.

 

 

Comments Off on it’s been awhile.

this was 2019.

/ pictures, reflection, ronni, survey, year-in-review

Sorry, sorry, I had to do it. 😉

Well folks, 2019 is in the bag. What a year.

Was 2019 a good year for you?
2019 was straight up kooky-dukes. Between breaking my knee, author and writer events, cancelled flights, time with BFFs, my debut novel getting published, becoming obsessed with Frozen II, stressing about money after I lost my job due to the broken knee, having the prettiest Christmas setup at home… it’s been something! A lot of bitter with the sweet. But I’m here. I made it.

What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
– BROKE A BONE
– physical therapy
– #MMC30
– stayed at Disney’s Caribbean Beach Resort
– stayed at Disney’s Contemporary Resort
– saw wild horses
– drove a golf cart
– moderated panels! (one at c2e2)
– had my novel published!


– had my novel selected as a YA Book of the Month selection


– cut off nearly ALL my hair (not by choice, but by necessity)

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
We lost our dear Crookshanks in June. 🙁

What countries did you visit?
I stayed domestic this year. But in the U.S., I visited Florida, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Washington (and Texas and Washington D.C. if you count layovers!)

What date(s) from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 27, 2019: the day I broke my knee
May 1, 2019: the day I moved into a new apartment
November 12, 2019: the day my book released

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly? Making it through without a nervous breakdown.

What was your biggest failure?
– not keeping up with my gratitude journal as regularly as I’d have liked.
– not eating enough leafy greens.
– not keeping up with my PT exercises.
– not finding a new job.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
– broken patella/knee
– migraines
– depression + anxiety

Where did most of your money go?
bills, books, travel, author events

What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?
– June by Sage Charmaine
– Nothing by VÉRITÉ
– Say OK by Lewis Can Cut f. Tigarah
– My Enemy by CHVRCHES
– How You Want It by Teyana Taylor
– Don’t You Cry for Me by Cobi

What do you wish you’d done more of?
– ***writing***
– yoga
– journaling
– spending time with my mommy

What do you wish you’d done less of?
– procrastinating
– being lazy
– being afraid
– needing to stress and worry so much

What was your greatest musical discovery?
– Billie Eilish
– cinematic covers of classic songs

What did you want and get?
– 2 trips to Disney World
– to go to YALLFEST as an author
– to go to the Anderson’s YA Conference as an author
– my book to be in Barnes & Noble
– a nice review from Kirkus
– to see the Nutcracker
– to visit Buttercup

What did you want and not get?
– MORE AIDAN TIME (there is never enough)
– the perfect permanent part-time, work-from-home job
– to hit the NYT Bestseller list
– for my book to be nominated for awards
– starred reviews for my book
– a trip abroad
– long hair
– to save loads of money
– feeling like I matter to people other than my family and friends

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 45. I slept in. Then I got up and showered, and opened presents. I saw Frozen II, and had a steak dinner! It was a relaxing day.

What kept you sane?
– therapy
– friends
– The Sims

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Not fancy exactly, but I do admire Penn Badgley. He is so good in YOU, and he seems like a good person in general.

What political issue stirred you the most?
😡

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
If the Universe is throwing you signs and you try to ignore them or explain them away, she will just get more aggressive with it. So take heed and take action!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
at home: PJs, yoga pants, leggings, tops
out and about: skinny jeans and tops or sweaters

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
making more money

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer (for now)

In 2020, I’m looking forward to:
That’s another post!

Till next time….

1 Comment

transformation.

/ life, pictures, reflection, ronni, soul searching, videos

As usual, it’s been a while since I’ve last updated, so this is going to be a LONG one! I hope you’re ready.

I’m trying to figure out how to reconcile The Ronni Davis Author Brand with the Anywhere Is Ronni (who’s been on the web since 2000). And this is the website that’s in the Edelweiss link for my book, which is really strange… I have no idea how they even found it. But one thing I always try to live by is what you see is what you get, so if you came here from there, welcome to my personal blogspace! This is me!

(Also, if you came from there, I recommend you go look at my author page. It’s way more professional, and that’s where you’ll find out about all my books and news and stuff!) 🙂

As usual, most of my life updates happen on twitter or instagram, so if you’re not following me on either or both of those, why the heck not?

Since I always wait so long in between updates, and my last update was more than an entire season ago, I will do a bulleted rundown of the biggest things that went down.

April
• Met Kacen Callender, who acquired my book when they were still at Little Brown. Now they’re an amazing author in their own right! And a dear friend 💖

• Kindling Words West writing retreat, which was amazing. Met new friends, wrote lots of words, got some nature, and ate delicious, healthy food. Such a great experience!

• I came off the crutches and started sleeping without the leg brace
• Got let go from Sherwin-Williams
• Found out that our lease wasn’t being renewed on May Street (thanks gentrification), so had to go apartment hunting (Adam had been there nearly 15 years, I’d been there 11)
• Packed, sorted, donated, and trashed stuff on stuff on stuff
• Signed lease on gorgeous new apartment!

• Was cleared to remove leg brace for good!

May
• Moved to new place, which is 30 minutes north of where we used to be, 3x the size of the old place, and in the most ethnically diverse neighborhood I’ve ever lived in
• Started yoga again
• Attended #MMC30, where I got to meet Mouseketeers I’d looked up to since the 90s, reunite with old Mouseketeer friends, and meet/reunite with friends I’ve known for ages from the MMC fandom! It was such a good weekend, and I got so many amazing hugs. There was food, and dancing, and tears, entertainment and so much love. After, I spent a couple of short days at Disney World with my friend Nikki (the redhead), and got to meet my instagram pal Delaney (the Snow White miniature)!

• Attended MegaCon for a few hours and got to meet David Tennant!
• Went down to physical therapy 2x a week
• Started seeing my chiropractor again
• Woke up every day in my new apartment like “I can’t believe I get to live here!”

June
• Continued to get settled in the new place
• Filmed a video tour of the new place

• LOVING my office

• Went down to 1x a week for physical therapy
• Started seriously writing again
• Got the news that the bone was completely healed and that I could officially return to exercising (lol). Therapist took that as the cue to really start pushing me to regain my strength and flexibility
• Saw Sarah Dessen again!! And signed an ARC of my book for her! (And I was shaking the whole time. Sarah Dessen is my main inspiration and idol, and to sign one of MY books for her was incredible)

• Changed my hair!

Trying something new hair wise
• Said goodbye to our dear Crookshanks. He was 18 years old. So very missed, this guy.

The reason I picked the title TRANSFORMATION for this blog post is that 2019 is the year I feel like there is something seriously at work in my life. Between breaking my knee, and losing my job, and having to move, I’ve been kind of knocked for a loop. Definitely kicked far out of my comfort zone.

When I tell people I broke my patella, they’re gobsmacked. Even my personal doctor was gobsmacked. Apparently this injury is quite rare. I won’t even say how it happened… people are always unimpressed with the truth and tell me I should make up something cooler. Aidan wants me to tell a story involving pirates. Sometimes he will tell the story for me. With pirates.

Life is definitely weird. So is it any surprise that when I wind down at night, my YouTube go-tos (besides my favorite Simmers) are videos that are some sort of transformation? Car detailing, disaster house cleaning sessions, restorations, makeovers? The worse off the before, the more satisfying it is to see things made shiny and new again. Maybe I feel a kindred spirit with all that change, or maybe it’s just satisfying, a constant in my life, which, if the acid churning in my stomach is anything to go by, is needed because somehow I don’t think 2019 is finished with me.

But I’m putting this into the Universe:
• Please let me nail these proposals so I get at least one new book deal in the year of our Lord 2019
• I get a permanent or long-term work-from-home part time job (or full time, whatever) in the fall season of 2019. I just work better when I’m in my own office, surrounded by my inspirational things and my toys and my books, listening to my music, and wearing my comfy leggings and tee-shirts

In the meantime, I know I am changing. New hair, as you saw earlier in the post. New place. New me. Suddenly, I am a clean freak, when before, I was just too tired and overwhelmed to care. I am still pants at coming up with yummy things for dinner, but one night I made some really tasty chicken parmesan and I feel like that’s the first time I’ve ever cooked chicken parmesan… 🤔 But the key was to sear the chicken first, then put on all the stuff, and bake it. It was delicious, maybe I’ll make a sandwich of that for dinner today…

Anyway. WTF? Yesterday I baked brownies and scrubbed all the small appliances. I don’t understand me anymore.

Just over 120 days until my book comes out. Still 6 months away so I’m not stressing too much, but it really is time to start thinking about marketing efforts. I know my publicist has some things in the works, and I think the timeline for things to jump off kicks into gear sometime in August. As it is, the ARC has made its way into readers hands, and I’ve gotten some lovely messages and emails, beautiful bookstagram posts, and someone (who you should follow because her posts are so cute) made the most ADORABLE fan art of Ashton and Devon:

 

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The first time I got a reader message, I was floored. I cried. Because now all the hard work, the stress, the tears, the giving up and starting again was all worth it. It had been worth it already… but getting a letter from a reader who is thanking me for writing that book… I can’t even describe what that feels like. It’s a whole other level of gratitude. The readers are who this is all about. The main thing I’m hearing is “This is the book I didn’t know I needed.” And it’s amazing to see that. It’s kind of incredible, learning that my words have touched readers like that…also makes me want to work harder on my next book. Which is a whole other can of stress!!

But, my book is up for preorders, and you can get it at any of these retailers:

amazon • b&n • indiebound • chapters

Cool right?? Also, my book was one of BEA’s YA Fall Buzz Books! Which is awesome because I was mixed in with some great company!

And one last thing! I graduated from physical therapy on July 1! I’m so proud I did it. Even when it got hard, I kept going.  Now I just need to keep up with the exercises. 😬

After falling and breaking my knee in February 2019, and having an emergency surgery to fix all the things... I went from crutches to brace only to walking on my own... all with the help of Mandie and the team at PhysioPartners. Months of rehab and I can
Life keeps throwing things at me and somehow I’m pushing through. I’m sure I’ll look back on 2019 like WOW WHAT A YEAR and with fondness… but I’m not gonna lie. It’s been a bit of a challenge sometimes.

But the second half is starting, and my book comes out in the fall and that’s exciting!! Also my birthday and Christmas and omg it’s only July I need to slow the eff down.

Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. I know there are a lot more feels in there, but I’m too tired to pull them out now. The Benadryl is kicking in, but first it’s asking for a snack. And this post is already super long. I don’t even feel like proofreading it.

I’ll leave you with a picture of me looking cute at Disney World in May. Till next time!

3 Comments

soul searching.

/ author life, depression, pictures, ronni, sick, when the stars lead to you, writing

Hey friends, how’s it going?

Life is.. weird over here. If you’ve been following my socials, you know, but just in case you haven’t…

Here’s what’s good:

-one-

I GOT ARCs! ARCs are Advance Review Copies; uncorrected proofs that will be sent out to trader reviewers, bookstores, book bloggers, and other authors for potential blurbs. I have a copy of my book that I can HOLD IN MY HANDS and I’m just… wow.

IT’S GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO BEING A REAL BOOK!

With that, my pre-order links have gone up, so if you want a copy of my book, you can get it from any of these fine retailers:

amazon • b&n • indiebound • chapters

-two-

People have been ordering my book! I know this because amazon tosses up orange ribbons from time to time. I try not to stalk my book too much, but sometimes my friends will show me!

I mean… what??!!??

-three-

I got to moderate a panel at C2E2, a comics and entertainment convention that takes place in Chicago every year. This was my first time attending, and it is the COOLEST. Maybe my favorite con of all time. So, I got to be a moderator, and it was at a cool con, and it was an official author type thing, and I loved it so, so, so much. More of this in my life, please.

I mean, I got to be a guest and have a page on the website and everything. Wow!!

-four-

I started an author newsletter. You can sign up here! I’ve sent out 3 issues, which you can see here if you’d like. I think they’re a good time, but I might be biased!!

So yeah, some good things for sure. I’m hanging in there, I am. Spring is here. Well, it’s “technically” here. Weather wise… well, winter isn’t giving up without a fight. Which is normal for Chicago.

Where I’ve lived for 11 years now. WTF.

Here’s what’s weird:

First thing: my hair is super thin now and will not hold any curl. At all. And that’s depressing. I’ve ruined it and I’m either going to cut it all off and start over or get extensions. OK, who am I kidding? I’m not going to do anything.

I miss my curls, though.

Second thing: I’m gaining weight and I don’t like it. Mainly because I don’t feel like buying new clothes.

Third thing: shortly after I posted my last post, I came down with a migraine that felt like stabbing knives and ice picks through my brain. Then the week after that, I was blessed with the worst panic attack I’d had in at least 12 years. That happened while I was at my desk at work and IT WAS NOT FUN.

Have you ever had a panic attack? It had been so long that I’d forgotten what it felt like. I wanted to literally rip my skin off, then crawl under my desk and burst into tears. My stomach was messed up, I didn’t feel like myself, and I hated every second of it. My dear friend Wanda helped me hold it together through texts. I made it through the day and pretty much collapsed when I finally got home. Adam brought me McDonald’s.

I still don’t know what happened. 🙁

A week later, as I was walking across the bridge to the shuttle on my way to work, I fell and couldn’t get up. I had to ride in an ambulance (a first), and I got an X-ray. This X-ray, in fact:

You’ll know when you see it.

I had to have surgery the next day, and I haven’t been back to work since.

That was 3 and a half weeks ago. The knee is healing (although it’s still warm and swollen which I don’t like). I’m in physical therapy 3 days a week, and I have to do exercises every day. I’m slowly getting better. I use crutches to get around for the most part. I’m trying not to overdo it, but the world doesn’t slow down for a broken knee. I have painkillers for the bad nights, which, luckily, are few and far between anymore.

I didn’t know an injury like this messed with one mentally and emotionally as well as physically. It hasn’t been easy. But I’m managing. And trying to focus on the good.

  1. I didn’t break any teeth
  2. I’m expected to make a full recovery
  3. The cost of the surgery sucked up my 2019 deductible and out-of-pocket maximum, so yay for that
  4. No commuting for now!

Now….

Soul searching. Trying to figure out what’s next. I really don’t fancy getting back into the rat race of commuting and having to be “on” for 12 hours a day. But I need to make money. Steady money. Good money. Because I have at least $8K in medical bills coming and I need to figure out how to pay for that along with my other bills. Which means work-life balance is about to fly out the window … as I will need to work, work work.

And I need to write, which is not good money (yet). I’m also scared to write. I don’t know if I’ll even have time to write, since I’ll have to take on as much freelance as I can for the foreseeable future.

But that doesn’t stop me from wanting other stuff. I want to travel. I’m still healing. I have debt. My apartment is a mess. There’s always a million things to do and organize and sort out, and it’s so hard to get motivated. Or I get motivated at the wrong damn times (like when I should be sleeping, hence the insomnia yay). I have too much stuff (especially clothes and books) and I need to get rid of a lot of it. I want to play the Sims and watch Netflix. I want to sleep.

I know other stuff I want, but I’m scared to get it. And then my mind goes round and round and I get all tense and freaking out in my brain and even though I’m exhausted, I can’t sleep at night and my appetite is super weird and I’m TIRED.

So yeah. Soul searching. But I don’t think I’m doing it right.

Told ya things were weird over here.

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