2021

does anyone even read this thing?

/ 2021, aidan, author life, life, pictures, ronni, this night is ours, travel, work, writing

Once upon a time, someone said “the days are long but the years are short,” and as I grow older, that’s feeling more and more true. It’s been well over a year since I posted here, but it doesn’t feel that long. But it’s been many months, and time just keeps ticking.

(There are a lot of pictures in this post, and some of them are taking ages to load, so please bear with me and the servers. Sucks that I have to say this in the year of our Lord 2022, but what can you do?)

I’m still working, blessedly from home. I have a full-time job and various freelance gigs, and I’m still writing on top of that. I (re)started therapy in February 2021, and that’s still ongoing. My new game obsession is Disney Dreamlight Valley, which took the place of my Stardew Valley obsession from earlier this year. Playing cozy video games is definitely my self-care!

I redid my home office to match my aesthetic because pink is beautiful and it makes me happy! And because I spend so much time here, it only makes sense for my office to be a place I want to be. I have two setups and a total of three to four computers in my office. My MacBook Pro, my Razer Chroma gaming laptop, and two work laptops. Good times.

Good things and bad things happened in 2021, globally and personally. There’s been loss, but also birth. Sorrow and joy. Hope and despair. Such is the journey of life.

The Sad

My beloved Charlotte passed away in May of 2021 from cancer. She got sick super suddenly and deteriorated quickly, and my heart is still broken from missing her. She was only four years old. She should still be here.

collage of grey tabby kitty cat, from kitten to age 4

My bio father passed away in October of 2021. We were estranged. I hadn’t spoken to him in decades. And yet, the grief is still there a bit. It’s complicated. But it’s there.

The Joy

Aidan graduated high school, got accepted to every college he applied to, and chose to go to college in Chicago and move in with me and Adam! I was and am THRILLED to have my son with me full-time. He’s just a super amazing person.

I had a blast redoing his room, and my office as well. I ended up making almost everything in my office pink or white, which meant new desks, new shelving, and new chairs. I gave Aidan my old black desk and gaming chair. We installed shelving in his room so he could display all his collectibles and LEGO, and I put together an epic snack cart. That project was SO MUCH FUN. On both accounts. I have an epic snack cart, too.

In fall 2021, my baby started COLLEGE! It’s still hard for me to believe he’s a *man* now. But he’s the very best person I know.

It’s amazing to me that our little family raised this amazing boy. With co-parenting, friendship, and our love for Aidan, I think we did a pretty good job.

I sold another book! And I’m STILL WORKING ON THAT SAME BOOK. This Night is Ours is due to come out sometime in 2024 and I think we’re in the home stretch of edits. Here’s the book deal announcement. Back when I naively thought I’d be able to write a novel in 3 months. Ha. HAHAHAHAHA. So yeah, the date in the announcement is way off!

I’m excited for you all to read it.

Several months after the loss of Charlotte, we were finally ready to open our hearts to a new kitty. Enter Priya. Because it was 2021, we had to make an appointment to see kittens at PAWS. All of the kittens that day were not very socialized, and most of them were terrified of everything. Priya could be coaxed out of her hiding place with treats, and that’s how we decided on her. Initially, she only wanted Aidan to hold her. At home, she liked Miles right away, but he had to do the hissing thing. Establish his dominance. Now they’re best of friends. I’d never had a calico before, and I adore her so much. She’s finally trusting us (although a sudden movement or loud noise will still spook her, and she’s not a fan of strangers. She does like other cats, though), and she cuddles with me at some point every night. She’s not attached to my hip like Charlotte was, but that was special. I don’t know if any other cat will love me like Charlotte did. I’ll take what I can get from little Priya!

In late summer 2021, my bestie Rena had a baby, and I love that child like my own! Auntie Ronni will do anything for that sweet baby! Not posting pictures here to respect their privacy, but just know that every time I see that kid, my heart melts clear through the floor. Just celebrating all the lovely people in my life… that’s a blessing. Such a blessing.

The Adventure

In July 2021, I took my first trip on a plane since February 2020. I’d gotten vaccinated, and mask mandates were still a thing, so I felt fairly safe flying again. I visited Jennifer and her family, and it was just what the doctor ordered. Lovely summery weather, beautiful beaches, a spa day at The Ritz, and nighttime dinners on the boat. Such a great time.

I made it to Paris!

And I am absolutely enchanted by the place. It’s beautiful, and I cried when I saw the Eiffel Tower for the first time. The thing is awe-inspiring and enormous. And a bitch to climb. Make sure you go in on the elevator side if you want to go to the top. Because whew! I climbed up to the 2nd floor (see the middle band around the tower?). It was not fun. But I did it. Fortunately, an elevator was available to take me all the way to the top!

Then I got to visit the gorgeous Palace of Versailles (I always spell that wrong). I can’t even describe how amazingly gorgeous it is. And people lived there. What?

And of course, there was no way I was going to Paris without visiting Disneyland Paris!

Disneyland Paris has been a pipe dream for ages, and I never thought I’d get there. But … I put it on a vision board in 2017, and a lot of the things on there have come true! Maybe it’s time for me to make a new, updated vision board and fill it with more dreams, goals, wishes…

Anyway, Disneyland Paris was really cool and quirky. Some of the rides lasted longer than the rides at Disney World, and (Hyper)space Mountain was way more intense. I really loved feeling that Disney magic even in a new place.

I went down south and spent time with dear Jennifer and her (our) family. I took Aidan and my mom. We also visited Adam’s family. It was busy but rewarding and full of love. There were boat rides and Ulta trips and golf carts and Nerf wars and cookies and mac and cheese and beach walks and just so much goodness.

The Wind Down

I look back at my pictures and I’m just awed at the amazing people in my life. It’s easy to forget when anxiety and depression rear their heads and try to take over. It’s easy to forget when I isolate myself in my office (as pretty as it is) and take on too many freelance projects. And it’s easy to forget when I let social media define my self-worth, which happens way too often.

Speaking of freelance, the 2nd half of 2021 found me buried in work. The day job was super busy, freelance was out of control. It was like the world was waking up from 2020 and trying to make up for lost time. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, and making a point not to overwork myself like that in 2022!!!

But I am happy, overall with how 2021 turned out. I learned a lot, got to open my home, and see people again. I got to venture into the world again. I wish I could say it was a nicer world overall, but the jury is still out on that. I just have to hold on to the things close to me.

Eventually, I will update you on my 2022, but today’s not that day! It’s time for me to wind down and start getting ready for bed. YouTube and Gilmore Girls aren’t going to watch themselves, you know.

More soon!

2 Comments

it’s been awhile.

/ 2020, 2021, life, pictures, ronni

OK wow. So I haven’t posted here in well over a year. 😳 I don’t know why I just… gave up. Well, I have an idea why. Last year was something. Between the pandemic, and “civil unrest” (so cute they call it that when it’s rightful rage in my opinion), elections. It was a remarkable one. Not necessarily great, but definitely remarkable.

I spent most of 2020 hanging out at home. I’m pretty OK with doing that, honestly. I like our place. I only wish Aidan was here with me full-time. That would make it perfect.

A rundown of the biggest 2020 things:

  • WHEN THE STARS LEAD TO YOU earned out. That means any sales now all come to me! I get royalty checks! That’s fun!
  • Also, WHEN THE STARS LEAD TO YOU is getting a paperback with a new cover. It’s gorgeous and I’m so excited for it to be in the world. It comes out on April 27, 2021.

  • AND the German version, titled YOUR HEART, SO CLOSE TO MINE, comes out May 10, 2021.

  • I got to attend a movie premiere: ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. It’s on Netflix. You’ll need tissues and something soft to cuddle when you watch it. It’s a tearjerker. I’m super glad I got to celebrate Jennifer‘s special night with her, and I’m glad we were able to squeeze it in before everything shut down.

  • I got to attend one writer’s retreat last year, and it was my last trip Before. I flew directly from Los Angeles to New Orleans, where I met with some writer friends. We had lunch and then drove to Gulf Shores, where the retreat took place in a beautiful, big airy house. It’s always good to be surrounded by other authors. And I loved the freedom of having to do nothing but write.

  • My hair grew back! It’s long again and I’m so happy. It’s still natural, also. I don’t think I’ll do the Brazillian Blowout thing again, so the truth length (to my armpits!) will remain hidden in my shrunken curls.

  • I started working for Humana again. I got hired full-time at TA Digital, and they have loaned me out to Humana. I’m back on my old team, with my old boss. I’m working from home for now. I hope I can keep working from home once COVID is all sorted. When I think of the panic attacks I had in 2019 the last time I worked onsite—the overstimulation and exhaustion, not to mention lost time with commuting and such—I get super anxious about it. But it won’t be for a while. Because COVID.

  • Oh yes. The elephant in the room. We’re in a deadly pandemic. Hence all the staying home. As of this posting, COVID-19 has killed half a million Americans. It’s scary and devastating, and the collective grief and fear weigh heavily on me. At first, the country shut down completely. But now, places are opening to 100%, which is super scary. There are 3 vaccinations approved for emergency use. They’re giving them out in phases, and I’m not yet qualified. It’s proving really challenging to get appointments for those who are qualified. This whole disaster has been mismanaged from the start. I have a lot of feelings about it, but not sure if I want to go into it now. (We all know this stuff, but I’m recording it here for historical purposes, so when I look back, I can be like: Oh yeah, remember that time?)

It’s a weird, weird time.

I’m glad to be working again. Wait, let me rephrase that. Working is always hard. I’m really, really glad to be earning a steady income (and have benefits!) again! I managed to scrape by last year with various freelance gigs and with help from Adam. I got to do a part-time marketing gig at Sourcebooks, in their romance department, and that was a lot of fun. Mostly I did research and made lots of graphics. I did a mentorship and learned I have a knack for developmental editing, which was a nice surprise. My passion definitely lies within that sort of work. But I get paid so much better being a copy editor in the corporate world, and I enjoy spoiling people I love, helping out my mommy, donating to charities, supporting my favorite creators, and buying fun things for me. Y’all know me. I like money.

And my job isn’t bad. I just miss my freedom to sleep in, to do whatever I wanted all day, etc., etc., but there are so many different kinds of freedom. Right now, I need financial freedom.

I’m doing OK. Mostly. I’m definitely tired, but that could be age. And diet. And lack of exercise. I don’t sleep well without some sort of help. I usually take Benadryl. Tylenol PM if I have aches. My back aches all that time—I haven’t had a massage or an adjustment in a year and my posture sucks. I also haven’t been to therapy in a year. And I grind my teeth so much that sometimes it’s hard to chew crunchy things.

I haven’t seen my mommy since Christmas 2019. I haven’t seen Aidan since January. I miss my friends and my family. I miss hugging people! I miss giggling with Jennifer all night over silly stuff. I miss traipsing around NYC with Wanda and T. I miss gently squeezing my mommy. I miss writing retreats and visiting Los Angeles and going to Disney World and shopping without this Thing in the back of my mind. I miss impulsively deciding to eat at a restaurant or going window shopping. I miss browsing in Target like I used to. Now it’s just in and out. Everyone wearing masks and scuttling around. No chatting with friendly strangers. NO DISNEY WORLD TRIPS. Yes, the parks are open, but I don’t want to have to wear masks, not greet characters, and not get the chance to chat with random strangers while standing in lines. I’ll wait until it’s all clear. The 50th anniversary celebration starts in October and lasts for 18 months. If it’s not safe to go by then, I don’t know WTF. 😩

But I’m also not in a hurry to go back to completely how things were. All the rushing and pushing and stress. It’s only slightly less now, though, so I don’t know. I do know that I don’t miss commuting. I don’t miss the breakneck pace at which everyone was hustling ALL THE TIME. I don’t miss this push to produce produce produce for less and less compensation. Except, in some cases, that’s still happening. Even more so than it used to be. The people who are still working are doing so much more because the economy is worth more to the people in power than lives. And once everything’s safe, I worry that this unsustainable level of pushing is just going to get worse, and it’s only going to serve to make rich people keep getting richer.

I keep having dreams where I book trips to cool places on upgraded flights, and then I never go to the airport. Or I’m at home frantically packing but the flight is going to take off in 20 minutes. Or I’m on a weird plane but that’s about all I get. I don’t know what these dreams mean. But I have too many that have to do with airplanes and flights, or missed flights. Hmm. Maybe the dreams have to do with my feelings about writing and publishing and self-sabotage. 🤔 I have definitely been having an identity crisis in regards to publishing so that tracks.

I’m still tired, and I feel guilty about resting all the time. But I make myself do it. I know all too well how the body will force one to rest if we don’t do it on our own.

My hope, although it’s quite a fleeting hope, to be honest, is that the way COVID-19 made companies and things reevaluate the way they do things will continue. More virtual offerings. Accessibility options like remote work and classes. I’d love to see a more hybrid lifestyle for those who desire it. Those of us who thrive working from home? Let us work from home while those who thrive onsite can do that. People who have disabilities? It’s obviously possible to accommodate them in certain cases. Keep accommodating them.

Those are just a few things I’d love to see happen.

I really don’t have much hope, though. I think things are going to rush right back to the way they were. They’ve been trying it for months now already! I remember around the holidays, when places were going back into “lockdown”, getting emails from shops with “in-store only” coupons. Like, really? Merciless and regimented and stressful. It’s in their best interest to exhaust the working people so the workers don’t have the energy to see how messed up things really are, and then to fight it.

I’m lucky that my job isn’t rushing us back into the office. I plan to work from home as long as I possibly can. But too many places are, and I feel like, the point of being onsite—collaboration, agile, face-to-face interaction—is lost when you have to wear masks and be behind partitions and social distance anyway.

This pandemic is a tragedy that keeps going and going, and I don’t think we (general we) have learned anything good from it. And that’s just another thing to grieve in regards to this whole thing.

Hmm. Maybe I’m not doing so OK. I’m trying, though. And I’m glad I’m still here.

 

 

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