out of sorts.

Daytona Beach

{I know I owe you a big ass trip report and I promise I will get to it eventually. I finally got the photos uploaded to flickr so it’s just a matter of time.}

It’s the end of July already and the temps finally feel like summer in Chicago. Things have been weird since I got back from Florida and the beach. I miss the rental car I was driving, even though it was a boring old Ford Focus. My Hyundai is a 2002 and has none of the newfangled things that the newer cars have as default, so driving the Focus was a lot of fun! And people in Florida are reasonable. The rainstorms come in, people slow down and put in their hazards. (I heard it was the law?) If I need to get over, people actually let me over. I don’t feel like I have to be so aggressive and angry when I’m driving there. I don’t have to be aggressive at all. The only time I hit bad traffic, the entire time I was in Florida, was getting through downtown Orlando. It was smooth sailing other than the rainstorms, where everyone slowed down and drove like sensible people.

It’s hard being back here where driving and parking is a major chore. People on the road are jerks to the max, every man out for himself, being reckless and using their phones. Doing stupid crap like blocking an entire street so they can get a sandwich. Like, seriously? And the traffic lights. The muther effing non-synced traffic lights. Took me 20 minutes to get to work this morning. My office is 1.7 miles from my apartment. I probably could have walked there faster. People don’t wait their turns at stop signs. It’s like a game of chicken. A friend of mine got in a bad wreck recently because of some chick on her phone. Come on. You don’t need to be talking on the phone or texting while driving, people. It can wait.

I’m very happy about the temps being warm. It finally feels like summer here. I’m working for a new client now and it’s been good. I had to go into the office for some on-boarding which was fine. The office is nice and the people there are friendly. It has an agile workspace, which means you can move seats as long as the one you want isn’t taken. I was sitting in a seat by the window but it was way too cold, so I moved to a slightly less cold seat. Now I’m in the office two days a week and working from home the rest. I have a company-owned laptop and I have to sign in through a VPN to access their network. It reminds me a bit of working at Nationwide, except not as political. But that might be because I’m a contractor and not a full time employee even though I’m working full time hours. I like it. :)

On the days I work from home, I open the curtains and the window so I can get flooded with natural sunlight. I also turn off the AC when Adam’s still at the coffee shop because otherwise I get too cold.

My body is getting more and more intolerant to the cold! It’s to the point where 80F is too chilly for me if I’m not in the sun. I need a light hoodie in 80F weather! What is wrong with me? :(

Tomorrow Aidan’s best friend comes to stay with us for a few days. I’m excited for Aidan. I’ve met him and his family and they’re all cool people. Saturday we’re heading to La Grange because Anderson’s Bookshop is opening a new location there. Adam got invited to take part in the ribbon cutting ceremony and there will be other authors there as well. You know how I love authors.

I had hibachi food for the first time in years on Monday. Except now it’s called teppenyaki style? I am not sure when that changed but I don’t mind the new term because IT IS STILL DELICIOUS and I’m craving some right now in fact.

When I was in Florida with Aidan, things just seemed so easy. The only time he got on my nerves was the day he begged me to leave Magic Kingdom before I didn’t want to go. But I think deep down I did, because a storm was rolling in and I was exhausted. I was being stubborn because it was my last day there and well, that’s always a sad time. Other than that, it was an easy time. We got along really well, knew when to give each other space, had good conversations, and got to relax and have fun together.

Here’s one of my favorite pictures from our trip:

MK_OUTERHLEFT_7354070651

Yes! We had a really good time. When I was done with the Disney leg of the trip, I was exhausted and ready for the next adventure. But now, the stirrings have come again and I wish I was back at Disney World. But maybe not until fall. And I want Aidan with me again.

But now, it’s regular life. Things don’t feel quite as easy. Working. Writing. Revising. Video games. Reading. Too much time on the computer/iPhone/iPad. Working a lot which is a blessing and I am not complaining. Trying to make myself go to more barre classes. It’s challenging now because of timing. I miss yoga. I went to The Dailey Method for the first time yesterday in a long time. It was good. I’d missed it. I’ve been sneaking back to yoga as well. I want to do more. I need to do more. Some of the clothes I could fit before vacation are uncomfortable on me now and I’m not okay with that.

There is good. So I’m not sure why I’m feeling so… weird. Actually I know exactly why. But I don’t feel safe enough to write it here. So I keep it inside. Or I vent to people I trust deeply because they’re the only ones who will listen and not shrug me off or tell me to get over it or try to outdo me. Or I retweet a few people who say what I’m thinking and feeling but only the mild versions because I don’t want to be harassed by trolls. Not that I have that big of a reach or anything anyway. Every other day I see something, not even in the news because they won’t report on those things, but through social media that knocks my feeling of self-worth down a billion notches. I second guess everything. I second guess my very existence.

I see loss on my news feeds too often. And it gets me to thinking about my own mortality. And I think I’m not ready for my time on Earth to end, and I worry that I’m wasting the time I have. I’m realizing there are things I will never experience in this lifetime. Some of them I’m OK with letting go. Others, I am already grieving for. Sometimes I don’t even know what I want in this lifetime and other times, it seems as clear as day. I just want to leave a legacy.

I downloaded this graphic from someone’s tumblr the other day. Trying to make myself believe it but honestly, it’s getting harder and harder. {I have GOT to stop reading the comments. They help NO ONE and end up making me feel even more horrible about myself.}

allowed

Because I feel like those messages are only meant for “certain” people, and I’m not in that group. I doubt people like me are who these graphic makers have in mind when they make them. I doubt almost everyone’s intentions and am finding it hard to trust anyone deep down. On the surface, all is well. I’m sunshine and roses hooray! Inside, my mind is spinning a million miles an hour, wondering if the people who smile in my face would turn their backs if I said the things I really feel and think about so many things in this world. It’s happened before. I’m used to being the one left behind, chosen against, ignored.

But on the bright side, there are those who have stuck around, and those are the ones I should be embracing with all my heart because they know my shadows and love me in spite of them. So. Times like this are the times I always learn who my true friends are.

I don’t even know what *this* time is…except we have a Blue Moon coming up, we’re in the throes of Venus retrograde, AND Saturn’s in retrograde (but not for much longer) and that’s throwing cosmic energy all over the place and it’s affecting me big time this week. I suspect my depression is trying to flare up as well. Like I need that right now. I really don’t. But sadly, despite what many people think about depression, it’s not like I can control when it hits. I can just try to take my medicine, eat better, exercise, and …self-care self-care self-care. SO MANY FEELINGS and I’m getting overwhelmed by all of them. Maybe it’s time for bed. I think it’s time for bed.

Till next time.

unsettled.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Monday was a weird day. I worked onsite at VSA, but there wasn’t a lot for me to do. I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf because it got caught in my coat zipper and I didn’t have the patience to try to work it out. I got some really sad news about a friend which shattered my heart. Spent some time talking to another friend and digging deep into some things in my past that I hadn’t allowed myself to explore for a long time. That shook things up even more. Then I came home and listened to music and studied my scene again. Watched some Divergent footage; promos are ramping up for it big time. Now I’m sitting here, my mind racing because for some reason I just can’t settle down and go to bed even though I’m tired.

My stomach’s been upset the past several days. Just a tummy ache that comes and goes. Nothing seems to be able to fix it.

Found new music that I love ONE DAY TOO LATE. I fell in love with the band Odesza Saturday. Darned if they weren’t in town Friday night. But, the good part is that I was looking all over so I could buy their music–and realized that had it all up for free on SoundCloud. So even though I got on the Odesza boat one day too late, I didn’t miss out on getting all the songs.

I have to be up early for a massage, which will be pleasant. I’m not sure how late I will be out, because Adam wants to get lunch or something, and I also have acting class. Last week, acting class went until almost midnight. This week, I hope it doesn’t go that late because it’s possible they will need me at VSA Wednesday and Thursday. Yay money and nice people and free snacks. I really am glad they call me in all the time. And I guess if it does go late, there is always Red Bull to keep me up the next day. The sell the blueberry one in the store at the building VSA is in, so there’s that.

But acting class. I’ve been studying my role. A LOT. I’ve pretty much got the lines down pat, but I’m counting on my partner to know his lines so I can respond to them like I want emotionally. He and I haven’t rehearsed together as much as I’d like to. Everyone’s busy. Our manual says we have to take responsibility for our own crap, so I’ve been doing a lot of work on my own. I know Ed’s gonna make us do the scene and he’s always really hard on my scene partner which means he’s going to be hard on me too by association. I’m going back and forth between being really excited to perform the scene to thinking “Wtf am I doing?” What if all the stuff I’ve been practicing on my own flies out the window and I get up there and look like a total idiot? What if I end up doing the whole scene sounding like Roz from Monsters, Inc. and I get kicked out subsequent workshops? Then I’ll be devastated because I’ll know for sure that I’m not special. That I’m just mediocre at a bunch of things but not great at any one thing, which is why I’m 39 years old and I don’t have an established career or own a home and my car doesn’t work and I live in a city that I hate half the time because I just have no clue where the hell I fit in this world and what I’m supposed to do to get there.

I feel like a bunch of stuff’s been stirring up inside me with no indication of settling down any time soon. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I want to scratch my skin off. I just found a bunch of old pictures from a few years ago that are disgusting me because I look so out of shape and gross in them. I just spent a bunch of money on makeup so I can feel pretty again because right now I feel so ugly and have for a long time. I’m missing my yoga community but I can’t drag myself to the studio. Maybe yoga would help me on more than one level. Except it keeps getting so super cold out. And my car is out of commission and also falling apart so I probably need to get rid of it even though I loathe to do so. I’m tired of making Adam drive me everywhere especially when I CAN FUCKING WALK to Moksha. And Mercury is going into retrograde this week which is ALL I need right now.

So yeah. That’s the state of me these days. A hot mess. But what else is new? I’ll probably be like this until summer. And I feel so shitty about all this because I personally know people who are dealing with much worse and I feel like my stupid depression is just… stupid and uncalled for.

*sigh*

OK, that’s enough out of me. I need to try to sleep but I doubt it’ll happen.

Peace.

the reality of depression.

Lily Pads

First it starts off as a little haze. Maybe a day where you feel “off.” But then the fog gets darker and more dense and more suffocating. But it happens so gradually, it’s hard to really know what’s going on…until you’re buried.

It starts with things that can be explained away. “Wow, I’m so tired all the time.” Or “I don’t have any interest in x,y,z that I used to LOVE but maybe it’s because I’m too tired to care. Because I’m so tired. All the time.” Then it turns into “Wow, you’re pathetic. Can’t even get out of bed like a normal person. No, you don’t deserve to eat. You’re ugly and disgusting. Hide away and don’t let anyone see you.”You will never accomplish anything, so stop dreaming. Dreams are dumb, especially YOUR dreams.” “Why can’t you be like a normal person? What makes you such a special snowflake?”

Then the guilt comes. Which makes the voices even more vocal and loud. And you just get so damned tired because the voices want something, your spouse wants something, your kids want something, everyone wants something and you just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

Your emotions… all the “bad” ones, anyway, are right at the surface. Everything makes you want to cry. (But you won’t because that’s weak and uncalled for.) You get upset over anything. You’re snapping at people, you’ve lost patience with everyone else and their problems because you’re so wrapped up in this fog, and the fog is like a smoke screen. You don’t want them to pull you out of the fog which makes you feel so far removed from them. And from the world. Nothing seems real. YOU don’t seem real.

Getting out of bed, let alone getting out of the house, becomes a major accomplishment. Putting on pants is really a BFD. But all of this comes along so gradually, so sneakily, that you don’t even notice it before it’s too late. And then you’re more tired because when you have to go out, you have to pull out ALL OF YOUR ACTING CHOPS to convince everyone that “Everything’s great! Everything’s fine! Please don’t ask me any more OK because I am truly fucking great!” And you get overwhelmed because you know that any time you’re around people, even those closest to you, that you have to pretend you’re OK to avoid the questions because you’re ashamed, so ashamed that you’re HERE again when you have no fucking reason to be sad because everything is going great, so fucking great. So really, there is no need to be nearly hysterical with the effort of holding back those tears that are right at the surface, and there is certainly no need to be crying in the shower, so get a grip already for God’s sake.

So you start to steal what little moments of happiness you can. You latch on to those things, and maybe you laugh too loudly and too long at a mediocre joke, or you become obsessed with a world you can escape to (movies, books, tv), except when those things start to hurt as well because you look on the screen and think “I’ll never be as pretty/successful/amazing as that actor” or “I don’t know if my writing will ever be this good or make the kind of impact on someone that this has made on me.” “I’m surrounded by all these people who are chasing and catching their dreams, and I can’t even get out of bed. What a loser I am.” You start to engage in unhealthy habits, you start making stupid decisions, you start to think of doing something extreme because you just cannot fucking handle feeling so much and yet feeling nothing at all.

And the loneliness. You feel SO ALONE because you don’t think anyone will get it or understand. You just know that if you try to explain, you’re going to get shot down or overrun by someone louder, bigger, more vocal than you are, and you’re going to be shuffled off to the side. Or that people will tell you what you’ve been telling yourself: “Get over yourself.” “Snap out of it.” “Plenty of people have it worse than you, so quit being a baby.”

Inside, you’re screaming “Do you think I WANT to be this way? I CAN’T snap out of it! Go away, leave me alone. But please don’t go. I’m scared.”

Helpless.

Guilty.

Overwhelmed.

Lonely.

The reality of depression is that it’s not something that comes out of nowhere because something made you sad. It comes from inside, and it sneaks up on you. You can try to keep it at bay, but it almost always wins. Medication helps, but knowing that you can’t stop taking it or else you’ll be a wreck is not a nice thing to know. Because it’s so shameful that you need medicine for your brain and your emotions to work “right”. Because you feel like you should be stronger than this, better than this. But you’re not and for some reason, it’s not OK to be not OK.

Friends, if you know someone who is dealing with depression, please, please, please be patient with them. Please give them space, but let then know you are there if they need you. Love on them in the way that they’re most comfortable with. They won’t come to you but they’ll be desperately wishing you could see something is wrong. They’ll wonder why no one can see, even though they’re expending a tremendous amount of effort so no one can see. Then they’ll try to hide it from you because they are ashamed. Realize that they are not doing this on purpose. They can’t help it any more than someone can help having diabetes or something else it’s OK to take medicine for. It’s just how they are. Please don’t tell them to “snap out of it” or “get over it.” Please don’t tell them that they’re possessed, that they’re letting Satan win, or that they don’t have enough “faith.” Please don’t point out all the good things they have. They know. It’s part of why feeling this way sucks so much.

If you’re lucky, the fog lifts and you can see clearly again. The medicine actually helps. The sun comes out. You no longer feel the need to beat yourself up for being so messed up. You start appreciating all the blessings again. And you start to think you’ve beat it. That it’s OK. You enjoy the ride for as long as possible, because deep down you know it’s going to come back. But you cope the best you can. Because that’s the reality. That’s my reality.

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