writing

The Truth About My Writing

/ writing

The hardest block I’m trying to work through is the “you need to be working on more important things than this silly dream of yours” block. This block is more dangerous than writer’s block, in my opinion, because this block convinces me that my writing is a waste of time, that I’ll never make it, that this is a stupid daydream and that I need to give up on it and get a job at Applebee’s or something to make ends meet, instead of wasting time trying to write something that an editor will buy. Then something that people will buy.

At least with writer’s block, one has the desire and the will to write. The YNTBWONMITTTSDOY block is one that induces guilt, and shame, and makes me feel as though I don’t really have a right to do this, because there’s nothing really to strive for other than a bunch of useless manuscripts to shove under the proverbial bed, a lot of wasted time, and nothing really to show for it.

I am scared that all of my friends will realize their writing dreams, and I’ll be left in the dust. And I especially fear that this is something else I can add to the “just not good enough” pile. Once upon a time, I’d considered myself anything but ordinary. But now, I think I’m nothing but ordinary.

And as much as that thought disappoints me, it doesn’t surprise me. It’s how I’ve always thought of myself.

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Prayers of a Writer

/ writing

I pray that I learn to stop expecting every thing that ends up on the screen or on paper to be perfect the first time it comes out.
I pray that I rediscover the love of writing, and stop worrying about who will or will not like my work.
I pray that I stop being so bitter about the successes of those who have discovered their dreams, so that my energy can be focused on making MY dreams come true.

I pray that I am ready for the day I finally sell a book.
I pray that I believe, again, that I can sell a book.
I pray that I have the strength to keep chasing my dreams of becoming published.

Amen.

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CRUSH

/ writing

Hey, folks.

I am in need of someone to read over CRUSH and give me a thorough (I’m talking fine-tooth comb) but gentle critique of it.

I want to give it another go. I can’t let this book sit by and collect dust–I believe in it.

I’d like it back on or before January 20th. Any takers? Please comment. I’ll be willing to look over some stuff in return if need be.

Thanks! :)

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Slowly But Surely…Coming Back

/ writing

I’ve been hiding out from the writing world. Obviously. I’ve needed to distance myself from industry news, from being immersed in a world that I wasn’t sure I was meant to be a part of. I’m still keeping my distance in some cases. My writing inbox has nearly 3000 pieces of mail I have never looked at. I haven’t looked at Miss Snark in months. My issues of The Writer and Writer’s Digest get tossed aside, unread. My feelings were too bitter, too angry, to be healthy. And they have to potential to turn back, so I will keep myself distanced until I feel healthy enough to deal with everyone’s good news, successes, and trials and tribulations.

I’ve been working as a copy editor at Zaner-Bloser. I’ve had the opportunity to read some fantastic books, and also read many different writing styles. Sandra Cisneros. Lois Lowry. Edward Bloor. As I gobbled up novel after novel, I felt that familiar tingle in my gut. The frantic searching for a paper and a pen so I could jot down ideas, techniques, and sketches. Plots, characters. I’ve found myself writing, almost against my will. False starts. Books that get to 5K and lose their fizzle. I fill up pages and pages with notes, but I’m not sure what to do with them, yet. The ideas come, but I’m scared about where they’re going, so I just write them down. For once, I’m not going to force myself to think I NEED to do something with them right away. In the meantime, my paper journals have been filling up. My mind is constantly churning. And that’s okay. One step at a time.

My personal life has been in upheaval like whoa. Probably reasons I NEEDED to step away from writing, reasons I haven’t sold, because I’m really NOT ready to devote to my career like I need to if I want the exposure/success I need. I hope I will by mid-2007, but we’ll see.

There is a such thing as trying too hard. I won’t let it happen to me again.

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Potluck Entry (Pictures)

/ aidan, food, life, pictures, ronni, work, writing

Writing.
Still hiding from the writing world. It’s really, really, really hard for me to see people getting book deals, multiple book deals, great feedback and moving forward while nothing’s happening for me. I can’t write–I get a mental block every time I try, topping out at about 10,000 words before I give up. My ideas fizzle out. I start thinking that it’s going to suck anyway so why bother. And I file the document away. Another failure.

I keep hoping it’ll happen for me one day, but that hope is seriously diminishing, and I think that maybe it might not be in the stars for me. I know I have talent, but the people who pay don’t want to read what I have to write, even if it is good writing. That’s a very depressing thought. Since I’ve been so shielded from that world, I haven’t had to worry about the bitter feelings and things, but sometimes, someone pulls me in, and I see their successes, and I get that bad feeling in the middle of my torso–like in that hollow in my breastbone or whatever–and I just get reminded of how I’m going nowhere. It’s hard to keep going.

I’m really seriously considering giving up on ever being published. I don’t have the kutzpah to try anymore.

Aidan.
You’ve seen my updates on him. 🙂 He’s so smart. “Mommy, look! This is hilarious!” Except, his Ls are Ws, so he says “This is hiwarius!” He’s overwhelming, though. I’m drained at the end of the day, and as you all know, I spend almost every evening with him. He demands a lot, he doesn’t always listen, and I have a hard time getting him to pick up after himself. Raising a child is HARD.

Aidan & Scooby Doo!

He’s REALLY good at computer games, and memory/concentration type games. I mean, really good. He knows things that most kids don’t know until kindergarten, if I am not mistaken. For example, he knows his left from his right. He knows near and far, short and long. And when he’s not being bratty (which fortunately, isn’t often), he’s very affectionate. He likes to play games and pick the wrong answers on purpose. And there’s this one sound in the Backyardigans game that he knows drives me crazy, and he likes to play it really loudly then laugh at me when I freak out.

Boys.

Work.
We just relocated to a new building. The outside of the building is WEIRD, but the work space is pretty sleek. Too dang COLD for my taste (I need to get an electric heater STAT), but I think it looks very modern and cool. Here’s a picture of where I sit:

Work

Yes, that’s a Barbie lunchbox! Heehee. My United Way one is sticky and gross, so yeah. You can see proofs that I work on, my proofing board, all sorts of things. I like the space–it’s nice and bright. But there is a lot of traffic where I sit which can make it hard to concentrate. Usually I stick on my headphones and get lost in my music, though. And there’s the FREEZING MY BUTT OFF aspect of it. Otherwise, it’s okay, as long as I have plenty of work to do.

Me.
Up until yesterday, I was an emotional wreck. Roller coaster like crazy. But now I feel like ME again, which is a VERY GOOD THING. I don’t like feeling out of control crazy like that.

Preparing for something BIG. Won’t say much more about that for now.

Got my first ever flu shot today!! Oh my. The part I hated was when the nurse was actually injecting the medicine in. I don’t mind the initial prick. I actually rather like it. It’s the other part that sucks. But it’s over. The spot is a little sore, but nothing I can’t handle. And anyway, this is nothing compared to the FLU. Ugh. It’ll be nice not to get it for once.

I’ve been craving Chinese food lately. Beef and snow pea pods, mostly. And rice. Lots of rice. I used to hate Chinese food. I still don’t care for too much of it, so for me to crave it is very strange. Other cravings I’m having:

– Spaghetti w/Eckridge hotdogs (which were buy 1 pack get 2 packs free at Meijer!);
– Japanese Steakhouse (hibachi steak, ginger salad, rice with ginger sauce, bean sprouts);
– Steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, roll with lots of butter;
– Sausage McMuffin w/egg, hashbrown;
– An ice cream soda from Margie’s Candies (or whatever that place in Chicago is called);
– Double chocolatey chunk Rice Krispy treats;
– This:
Thanksgiving Dinner 2005

I should go eat now. Guess which ones on the list I’ll have. Tee hee. ‘Til next time….

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