Earlier this evening, I stumbled across something that irritated me in a big way. Without going into detail, I can tell you that I was wishing, even while I was experiencing the emotions and venting to a few people, that it didn’t affect me like it did. And I kept going for that and going for that, trying to flush the feelings out.
You see, I don’t like to stay with certain feelings. Feelings like depression? I can get with. I’m comfortable there. But anger? Nope! I’m not comfortable with anger and I always feel guilty when I experience it. Anger is violent and out of anger arises the desire to harm. Harming isn’t necessarily physical. It can be in mind and speech and well, and let me tell you, it definitely was there in my mind and speech. I didn’t like it so I worked to get rid of it. But then I realized that I needed to experience the anger before I could let it go.
I dug through some of my notes from teacher training (because this was echoing in me, like deja vu) and sure enough, one of the Sutras is Ahimsa: Non-Violence. I am trying to practice non-violence in my life. The way I acted, although I didn’t go out and beat the crap out of someone, was violent regardless. I gave into the anger and let it drive me to say and think harmful things. And those thoughts echoed in me, making me feel uncomfortable and icky. And yet, I know that if I’d have tried to tamp it down, it would have popped up another way, another day.
So where do I find that balance?
I have to practice compassion and love for myself. I can’t do anything about the thing that annoyed me this evening. The situation is out of my control and frankly, not worth my time. But I can learn from the way I reacted to it, and also NOT punish myself for reacting as I did. But going forward, I know better. I need to learn how to experience emotions like anger without letting them drive me to act in ways that are hurtful. It’s not the emotions themselves that are bad. But giving in to the desire to hurt as much as I feel that I’ve been hurt? Nothing good ever comes from that.
‘Til next time.
Definitely can relate to this post. Anger is a hell of a demon. I use to have a very volatile temper, to the point that I really wanted that person or person’s to hurt (sometimes I did.) I know scary…seriously, I needed to go to counseling for it. I learned that instead of trying to control the situation I needed to control me. No one is in charge of my actions except me. Also, there is no way you can have an argument by yourself. Totally impossible! Learning to ignore folks even my hubster at times and hum a happy tune in my head has helped me immensely. Its great that you recognize, accept, and trying to deal with keeping your anger under control. Positive steps to a better you!
You’re so right–we can only control ourselves when something happens to make us mad. Thanks for commenting and sharing. 🙂
I loved this blog Roniferous! Good for you for recognizing the destructiveness of anger. And like you said, there is no way you are going to live a life devoid of ever feeling anger. I have a harder time with sadness. Anger offers me protection – when I’m sad I feel vulnerable and boy do I hate that! 🙂 Jill
Jilly-Billy! So glad you commented here! Funny how I am much more comfortable with sad than angry but you’re the other way around. I wonder why?
I MISS YOU.
Hi Ronni.
I’m sorry to hear someone got into your nerves. Anger is tricky… suppressed anger = sarcasm and I’ve seen people become bitter. I hope you were able to put it all out.. its worse to keep things in. In some forms of Buddhism you are supposed to observe the emotions. Just let them ‘be’ without judgment and not dwelling into them either. That allows you to honor your feelings and let them go. When I have the wrong kind of thoughts, those ones that are harmful, I think “I’m sorry I really do not mean that, then I follow up with ‘cancel, cancel, cancel’ and let it go. I make an effort to think of something else. Something happy to change the mood, although that’s a challenge sometimes too.
Carmen
Hey Carmen! <3
And you’re so right about letting the feelings be without judging them. If we can do that without acting on the feelings and causing harm, we’d be golden, right? 🙂
See you soon!
Really insightful post Ronni. The fact that you took the time to really evaluate and process your feelings speaks volumes. I have struggled with anger from time to time, so I can relate to not only the guilt that follows, but also to the overall unsettling nature of experiencing it.
Thanks for your support, Courtney. <3