“You’ve been quiet lately. Are you OK?”
I’ve been hearing that question lately. So, I’m going to sit here and think about if I *am* OK. Sometimes I feel like I am. Other times, not so much. The “not so much” part is what scares me.
There are about five blog drafts in my WordPress database. Entries in which I started pouring my heart out, but either I end up losing steam, feeling embarrassed, or I just got bored with them. But I couldn’t bring myself to trash them, so they’re sitting there, waiting.
I don’t even know what it is, really. Well, that’s not exactly true. Part of it’s my food issues coming up again. Nutrition is really stressed for people who do yoga, and for me, eating better is a two-step-forward-ninety-step-back process. Adam is always making smoothies and munching on raw kale. Me? I sit here and I struggle with my constant cravings for things like French fries or pasta. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed by the whole food thing that I just … don’t eat. I KNOW. It’s bad. But it’s easier.
I’ve not been practicing yoga as much as I have in the past. (Although I did do a nice, short but vigorous practice today.) What happened to this whole commitment? What about my holy grail pose? Why do I keep self-sabotaging?
I have to come up with at least $1000 more in extra fees to pay for teacher training workshops that are mandatory for certification, not to mention the money I already owe for tuition. I’m embarrassed that the back window on my car has had black tape and cardboard over it for years because jack holes kept breaking into it, but I know if I get it fixed, another jack hole will break the window again. City sticker renewal is due next week. $85 pointless dollars to a greedy city to put a pointless sticker on my car so I won’t get pointless tickets. WHATEVER. Random cravings for things like donuts and cookies and cake constantly plague me. I want a pedicure so bad but I can’t justify dropping $35+tip just to have pretty toes. I waste too much time playing FarmVille and browsing Tumblr, and I owe my teacher like, six weeks of journals. I have a bunch of plates to color in my Anatomy Coloring Book, not to mention all the reading I’m behind on. I really want to start reading Fire of Love, but I am holding back because something tells me that I’m going to love, love, love that book, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned it yet.
Quite frankly, I’m kind of disturbed by all this. This is usually how I am in the winter, not the summer! I mean… IT’S SUMMER! I love summer! The weather’s been PERFECT. Warm and/or hot, sunny, breezy. Simply lovely. My son’s here. I’ve been working steadily for the past few weeks, which means money is coming in. I have lots to be happy about. And I’m not unhappy, per se. Just… anxious? Worried? Tense? Maybe overwhelmed. *sigh* I don’t even know what I am. I just have a lot of feels OK?
I do feel like summer’s already going too fast and I’ll be in heavy sweaters and looking like a big marshmallow for eight months before long. And I hate that. I want to live for the now, and enjoy it without worrying so dang much.
Fretfully yours, ’til next time….