“You’ve been quiet lately. Are you OK?”
I’ve been hearing that question lately. So, I’m going to sit here and think about if I *am* OK. Sometimes I feel like I am. Other times, not so much. The “not so much” part is what scares me.
There are about five blog drafts in my WordPress database. Entries in which I started pouring my heart out, but either I end up losing steam, feeling embarrassed, or I just got bored with them. But I couldn’t bring myself to trash them, so they’re sitting there, waiting.
I don’t even know what it is, really. Well, that’s not exactly true. Part of it’s my food issues coming up again. Nutrition is really stressed for people who do yoga, and for me, eating better is a two-step-forward-ninety-step-back process. Adam is always making smoothies and munching on raw kale. Me? I sit here and I struggle with my constant cravings for things like French fries or pasta. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed by the whole food thing that I just … don’t eat. I KNOW. It’s bad. But it’s easier.
I’ve not been practicing yoga as much as I have in the past. (Although I did do a nice, short but vigorous practice today.) What happened to this whole commitment? What about my holy grail pose? Why do I keep self-sabotaging?
I have to come up with at least $1000 more in extra fees to pay for teacher training workshops that are mandatory for certification, not to mention the money I already owe for tuition. I’m embarrassed that the back window on my car has had black tape and cardboard over it for years because jack holes kept breaking into it, but I know if I get it fixed, another jack hole will break the window again. City sticker renewal is due next week. $85 pointless dollars to a greedy city to put a pointless sticker on my car so I won’t get pointless tickets. WHATEVER. Random cravings for things like donuts and cookies and cake constantly plague me. I want a pedicure so bad but I can’t justify dropping $35+tip just to have pretty toes. I waste too much time playing FarmVille and browsing Tumblr, and I owe my teacher like, six weeks of journals. I have a bunch of plates to color in my Anatomy Coloring Book, not to mention all the reading I’m behind on. I really want to start reading Fire of Love, but I am holding back because something tells me that I’m going to love, love, love that book, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned it yet.
Quite frankly, I’m kind of disturbed by all this. This is usually how I am in the winter, not the summer! I mean… IT’S SUMMER! I love summer! The weather’s been PERFECT. Warm and/or hot, sunny, breezy. Simply lovely. My son’s here. I’ve been working steadily for the past few weeks, which means money is coming in. I have lots to be happy about. And I’m not unhappy, per se. Just… anxious? Worried? Tense? Maybe overwhelmed. *sigh* I don’t even know what I am. I just have a lot of feels OK?
I do feel like summer’s already going too fast and I’ll be in heavy sweaters and looking like a big marshmallow for eight months before long. And I hate that. I want to live for the now, and enjoy it without worrying so dang much.
Fretfully yours, ’til next time….
I so hear you on the whole food thing..I take at least 87 steps back and the older I get the harder it is. I truly think there is something going on in the universe because I feel the same way – the should be happy part really gets me – it’s summer! I have heard this from others too, I swear maybe something is in the water. I’m just on the border of hoping it doesn’t get worse before it gets better. I’m sorry I’m of no help other than to say it’s not just you :/
Your comment did help. I’m glad to know it’s not just me. I am better today, though. 🙂 Thank you.
I feel you on the food thing. I’ve historically been a picky eater, with the bulk of my pickiness centered around fruits and vegetables… you know… “good for you” things. I’ve been trying to encourage myself to try things that I’d normally avoid, and in many cases I’ve found I do like them is they’re seasoned properly (90% of my hatred of vegetables comes from the fact that my mother never seasoned anything ever) but, it’s very engrained in my brain still that “I don’t eat that” so I find I have a problem where I’ll buy some veggies and then they rot in the fridge because my habit is to go for the pasta.
I used to be SUPER picky. My mom used to have the hardest time getting me to eat anything. (Now I’m paying for that because Aidan is pretty picky.) I lost a lot of it when I went to college and started taking good food any way I could get it. But to this day, texture is a HUGE thing for me. And the texture of pasta? Freaking amazing. Feels perfect in my mouth. The taste of oatmeal is great but I can’t stand the way it feels on my tongue. It’s so weird.
I actually enjoy veggies, but it’s easier to grab the pasta, you are so right! 🙂
Uggghhhh!!! I am so sorry to hear that. I have a few entries saved into the “drafts” section as well, and they are there for reasons very similar to your’s. I don’t think I’ll ever delete it though. Sometimes, it’s good to keep things to yourself as long as you can only view it 🙂
It’s great that you’ve been doing yoga. I really want to try it these days, but I’m not sure if I can give up fatty foods. I think if I were in your position, I would try to eat a strict and healthy diet on weekdays, and reward myself with a cheeseburger and fries on a Saturday.
As for the car window, srsly wtf?! That sucks. Where does it usually happen when your window gets broken into? Is it usually the same place?
I really things get better for you! *hugs***
I’m with you! I probably won’t delete my drafts, but I’ll keep them there just in case I want to read them again or get my thoughts together to actually post them.
Girl, the food part of one of the hardest parts of this yoga journey! I love fries so much! And candy! 🙂 But it’s really a step at a time. If I tried to do everything, I’d just give up completely. It’s overwhelming. Some yogis are super into stuff, where they won’t even use certain types of utensils or dishes. I guess I’m just not into completely abandoning the conventional world at this point in my life.
YES, definitely WTF about the car window! Seriously, they go on sprees. I walk down the street and see just piles and piles of broken glass. It’s so stupid. It’s on my street, but it doesn’t matter where. Someone broke into my car right in front of my apartment once. My street is just bad for it. My car looks so jacked up now because people just crash into it and stuff. I guess because my car isn’t a) brand new, b) black, c) expensive, d) a big ass SUV, they feel justified in bullying the poor thing. I miss having a garage! 🙂
Things are better for me, thank you so much. *hugs back* I’m so glad you stopped by. 🙂