unsettled.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Monday was a weird day. I worked onsite at VSA, but there wasn’t a lot for me to do. I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf because it got caught in my coat zipper and I didn’t have the patience to try to work it out. I got some really sad news about a friend which shattered my heart. Spent some time talking to another friend and digging deep into some things in my past that I hadn’t allowed myself to explore for a long time. That shook things up even more. Then I came home and listened to music and studied my scene again. Watched some Divergent footage; promos are ramping up for it big time. Now I’m sitting here, my mind racing because for some reason I just can’t settle down and go to bed even though I’m tired.

My stomach’s been upset the past several days. Just a tummy ache that comes and goes. Nothing seems to be able to fix it.

Found new music that I love ONE DAY TOO LATE. I fell in love with the band Odesza Saturday. Darned if they weren’t in town Friday night. But, the good part is that I was looking all over so I could buy their music–and realized that had it all up for free on SoundCloud. So even though I got on the Odesza boat one day too late, I didn’t miss out on getting all the songs.

I have to be up early for a massage, which will be pleasant. I’m not sure how late I will be out, because Adam wants to get lunch or something, and I also have acting class. Last week, acting class went until almost midnight. This week, I hope it doesn’t go that late because it’s possible they will need me at VSA Wednesday and Thursday. Yay money and nice people and free snacks. I really am glad they call me in all the time. And I guess if it does go late, there is always Red Bull to keep me up the next day. The sell the blueberry one in the store at the building VSA is in, so there’s that.

But acting class. I’ve been studying my role. A LOT. I’ve pretty much got the lines down pat, but I’m counting on my partner to know his lines so I can respond to them like I want emotionally. He and I haven’t rehearsed together as much as I’d like to. Everyone’s busy. Our manual says we have to take responsibility for our own crap, so I’ve been doing a lot of work on my own. I know Ed’s gonna make us do the scene and he’s always really hard on my scene partner which means he’s going to be hard on me too by association. I’m going back and forth between being really excited to perform the scene to thinking “Wtf am I doing?” What if all the stuff I’ve been practicing on my own flies out the window and I get up there and look like a total idiot? What if I end up doing the whole scene sounding like Roz from Monsters, Inc. and I get kicked out subsequent workshops? Then I’ll be devastated because I’ll know for sure that I’m not special. That I’m just mediocre at a bunch of things but not great at any one thing, which is why I’m 39 years old and I don’t have an established career or own a home and my car doesn’t work and I live in a city that I hate half the time because I just have no clue where the hell I fit in this world and what I’m supposed to do to get there.

I feel like a bunch of stuff’s been stirring up inside me with no indication of settling down any time soon. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I want to scratch my skin off. I just found a bunch of old pictures from a few years ago that are disgusting me because I look so out of shape and gross in them. I just spent a bunch of money on makeup so I can feel pretty again because right now I feel so ugly and have for a long time. I’m missing my yoga community but I can’t drag myself to the studio. Maybe yoga would help me on more than one level. Except it keeps getting so super cold out. And my car is out of commission and also falling apart so I probably need to get rid of it even though I loathe to do so. I’m tired of making Adam drive me everywhere especially when I CAN FUCKING WALK to Moksha. And Mercury is going into retrograde this week which is ALL I need right now.

So yeah. That’s the state of me these days. A hot mess. But what else is new? I’ll probably be like this until summer. And I feel so shitty about all this because I personally know people who are dealing with much worse and I feel like my stupid depression is just… stupid and uncalled for.

*sigh*

OK, that’s enough out of me. I need to try to sleep but I doubt it’ll happen.

Peace.

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