Grounds at Cawdor Castle

I tend to have a really hard time falling asleep at night. Unless I’m completely exhausted–mentally and physically–or unless I’ve had a sleep aid. I toss and turn, my mind runs a million ways, and my bladder wakes up big time. (My bladder is already active as it is, but at night she’s often out of control.)

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I don’t get up for work until about 845am. (I start at 9 and I work from home, so I can get away with such things.) Most mornings I wake up before my alarm, but this morning, the alarm woke me up. I thought, since I’d gotten so much sleep the night before, I’d be ready to take on the day. But no. Not really.

Mornings almost always feel weird and hard for me. Even if I sleep for 9–10 hours, my body feels heavy and my brain feels super foggy. I drag myself out of bed and pull on pants and a tank top because I feel like I have to (there’s something icky about working in pajamas to me, unless it’s my writing). I brush my teeth, and trudge into the living room to log into work, and the whole time I feel like I’m moving through a thick, grey cloud. Sometimes I have to spend some time cleaning up after the cats, and that just adds to the sense of “wtf.”

I started taking this Endorphinate AR. It’s supposed to promote calm, well-being, mental clarity, and give me energy. I can always tell when it starts to kick in, because that heaviness begins to lighten, I feel more focused, and I am ready to start work. And usually it’s great! But some mornings, like today, that and my anti-depressant kicked in at the same time, and now I feel REALLY out of sorts. The rush from the medications has knocked me off balance, so I *still* can’t focus. Which is why I have about 100+ pages to read and I’m writing this entry instead (although to be fair, it *is* lunchtime!). It’s going to be another long work day. Once the 9–5 job is over, I have hours of freelance work to do. Plus some revisions I want to toss into my book—but that will likely move to the back burner for now because I have to put the paying work before the dreaming (praying that this will someday very soon be paying) work, you know? And the next few days are booked solid with paying work.

Plus I have chores to do.

And it’s Adam’s birthday. I want to help him celebrate it.

I’m not ungrateful for these things. Just a bit tired. I’m going to Disney World next month and I worry this fatigue will carry over to my trip. That won’t be good. I have to make sure I eat well while I’m there.

So maybe it’s just that I have a lot on my mind. In general, I don’t get enough rest. I lay awake at night, my mind racing with all the stuff I want to accomplish. And I feel ready to do them *then* but I have to work my 9–5 job, so I make myself go to bed. Eventually I fall asleep, with this mindset that I’ll get a lot of rest and be ready to tackle everything the next day. Work. Freelance. Writing. Family. It takes a while for me to fall asleep unless I am totally done. (Sometimes that’s as late at 4am. Last week I was up until 6am two nights in a row, and then worked a full day both days, plus freelance.)

Then the morning comes. I log into work. I stare blankly at the screen. I copy edit, but read the same words over and over because I don’t trust that I’m seeing properly through my grey, foggy mind. And that to-do list I made the night before? It looks big and daunting and like, there’s no way.

Then oh say, 815pm comes, and my brain and body are like YAASSS LET’S BUST OUT ALL THE THINGS! And then the next thing I know, it’s 1am, my brain is still on high speed mode, so I make my to-do list and try to sleep so I can do all that stuff the next day instead. Since I have to get up early and all. (And I know 845am is not even that early but trust me, it always feels early to this night owl.)

I wake up like, “God granted me another day, with a job and my health. I should be grateful. I am grateful. But I also feel like so much crap. How am I going to make it through?”

(Let the record show that when I wake up on my own though, say around 1030 or 11 or so, mornings are a LOT nicer and I feel way less crappy. Just sayin’.)

I go through this almost every day. And I wonder how people can bounce out of bed on regular non-Disney World days like YAY GOOD MORNING WOO LET’S DO THIS. I wake up wanting to roll over and hop right back on that train to dreamland, since I *finally* made it there and all.

Anyway. Back to work. Till next time….

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