church

I was reading about Hell…

/ christianity, church, spirituality

Every few months or so, I kind of go into this deep meditation or research kick and read about Hell. The existence of it. And I sit here, wondering why I worship my God. Do I worship Him because I love Him, because I love His Son? Or do I do it because I’m afraid of going to Hell?

Bear with me as I muddle through this. I need to get this out and my thoughts are kind of all over the place.

Hell is a horrible place, from what I’ve heard/read. Being tortured by fire at extremely high temperatures. Molten sulpher. Worms that eat you. Other countless horrors. And the part that disturbs me is that it lasts forever. It never, ever, ever, ever stops. NEVER. I can’t grasp that and yet, it sounds sooo scary to me. I’m terrified of going there. Even as I sin because I can’t help it. I’m a human, I’m a sinner. That’s that. And Hell is a scary reality for me. As far as I’m concerned, it exists, and I hate it.

I don’t want to be a “Christian” who’s following this faith only to avoid going to Hell. But I find myself doing that. I start to analyse my every move, making sure I don’t do something to offend God. But then I hear that Jesus died for me so that I wouldn’t go to Hell. Okay, that’s wonderful.

But what about those who have never heard of Jesus? Why should they be punished for eternity for something that is not of their fault? God can do anything–why wouldn’t He provide them the Gospel? Will us Christians who are supposed to evangelize end up going to Hell because we didn’t go out and try to teach all of those people the gospel? How does this work?

Why is there a Hell? I tend to think of my God relationship as a parent-child/teenager relationship. And when I relate myself with Aidan, I can’t see myself ever, ever, ever punishing him forever and ever for anything! I love him too much. I love him more than anything; the mere thought of anything terrible happening to him brings me near tears. So how can God, who loves us so, want to punish us for eternity?

Okay, okay. So that’s where Jesus comes in. Apparently God doesn’t want to punish us for eternity. He sent His son to die for us so we would be able to go to Heaven. But that still doesn’t help me reconcile the idea that there are lots of people who never even get the CHANCE to learn about Jesus and therefore they get to suffer for eternity. Who is the blame for that? Will *I* go to Hell because I’m not evangelizing? Because I’m not in other countries teaching/preaching the Gospel? It is SO hard to lead someone to Christ. I’ve tried. I can’t do it. It’s not my talent. Will I go to Hell because I am unskilled in that area of my life??

Does God offer them an opportunity after they die? Who knows? Should I even be caring/fretting?

So then I start to think–if I’m going to Hell anyway, then why am I trying to be so good? Why don’t I just do whatever I want? I should just go to Best Buy now and take that plasma HDTV I want. I can think of lots of things I want to do, but I don’t because I don’t want to offend God and therefore go to Hell.

It all boils down to Hell for me. I’ve always been afraid of being punished. Even when I was little, my mother said that a “whipping” was the one thing I was terrified of. Is it healthy to lead my life with that kind of a fear? What happened to my desire to have a relationship with God? And with Jesus? Where did that go?

Is Hell real? Or is it an idea planted to scare us all into behaving? Will we understand at the Final Judgement? Will we all see our lives and our actions and understand and accept why we deserve Hell for eternity and go there willingly? Is there even going to be a Final Judgement? I don’t know about you, but the thought of all of my sins/thoughts/actions/everything being exposed to the world scares me to pieces. And fills me with great shame.

I don’t know, I don’t know.

Comments Off on I was reading about Hell…

but, God…

/ church, god stuff, life, positivity

This week, our church is hosting it’s annual Christmas “whatchamacallit” (they actually say that) and the title is “but, God…” The two most beautiful words in the English language, right? Definitely a “devine but” (yes, they actually said that too). Usually, “but” followed by something means negativity. But in this case, it means something good came out of something sucky because of God.

Last week, I crashed big time. I don’t know if it was the higher dosage in the medication, or just circumstances, or maybe a combination of both. I crashed and I wanted it to be over. But God (heehee) showed me reasons why it’s not time yet. Firstly, there is Aidan. He gives me so much joy. I live to see that child smile. He’s special and precious and wonderful and amazing and funny as all bananas. Then there were my friends. The ones who took the time to email me, IM me, talk to me. The ones who were right there, praying for me, thinking of me, sending me hugs from thousands of miles away. The ones who tell me they need to hang out with me. Little Lucy, my kitty who cuddles with me every night and watches me type away on this laptop every night before I go to bed. How could I want to leave this?

God gives me gentle reminders of things I’ll miss out on if I were to leave this earth before He was ready. Little, silly things. Like Christmas. What’s in my stocking? I want to know! Aidan at age 5. That’s a biggie, but there it is. What new music will come out next year? What will happen next week on The O.C. Just little things to look forward to, little reasons to keep going. When I focus on those, I forget the overwhelming big picture and I stop freaking out so much.

So, that’s my “But God” story. For now, anyway. I’m interested to see this program. I’m not sure which show I will go to–there are plenty to choose from! 🙂 I’m looking forward to it. Good night.

Comments Off on but, God…

A Weird Small Group

/ christianity, church

Ironically, the church service that I walked out on Sunday for several reasons was the topic of discussion tonight at small group. And… it was just weird. At first, I wasn’t really feeling it, but then I was feeling it too much. I had so much I wanted to say, but I kept quiet because to say what was inside of me, I’d have to reveal a lot more than I wanted to reveal tonight.

The passage was on Jonah, and the whole getting swallowed by a fish episode. They kind of puzzled through it. I understood all too well what it meant. I understand all too well what it means, was able to apply it perfectly to my life, to where I am with God, to how I’m feeling about everything and about God. It hit so close to home, I had to make superhuman efforts to keep from getting emotional. To keep from thinking too hard. It’s…I don’t know.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say.

ETA:
The Quote of the Night came from Joshua: SQUARE BOB SPONGE PANTS! And… and… Paddington Bear will never be the same.

Comments Off on A Weird Small Group

$5,269,658

/ christmas, church, friends, life

$5,269,658.

The members of Heritage Christian Church committed $5,269,658 for our building expansion compaign. Our membership has grown in leaps and bounds over the past few years. When I first started attending, there were two services. Both on Sunday: 930am and 1115pm. A 6pm Saturday service was added sometime last year, and earlier this year, they’ve added an 815am Sunday service. I am gobsmacked at the impact this church has on lives. It’s had quite the impact on mine.

Church was cool today. I saw a lot of my friends. I get overwhelmed because their are so many people I want to sit and talk to and there is never any time. Lunch afterwards helps some, but I do wish I could have more quality time with my friends.

Kelly P had on the best orange golashes ever. I wish I’d taken a picture of her in them. 🙂

This time change is really screwing with me. akfjlafjklafjl! It’s so dark out, and I feel like it should be about 9pm, but it’s really not even 7pm. Oh gosh. As much of a night owl I am, I HATE the longer nights and shorter days.

While we were coming home from dinner last night, we spotted a house all decorated for Christmas. Chris was complaining and saying they were being stupid. In hindsight, I realize he was jealous. He and Aidan went off to Meijer and came back with all kinds of decorations and lights and then he PUT THEM UP. Luckily, they are not lit yet, but still. *shakes head* He even got one of the inflatable Poohs. Aidan looks at him at goes “bah.” 🙂 :O

Alright. I’m at Chad and Christy’s now and I’m going to take off and get back home so I can get stuff done. Monday Monday Monday is looming. I need to do laundry, shower, do hair, get stuff ready for work. Later, gators! 🙂

Comments Off on $5,269,658

Stuff and stuff

/ church, friends, weekend

Grove Leadership Advance pt 2 went amazingly well. I enjoyed the prayer and learning and fellowship and the food. Mike Borst and his wife are the best. WOOHOO.

This morning, I dropped my car off at the windshield place. Then Chris dropped me at Bob Evans, where I met Tami. We had breakfast. It was so awesome to connect with her again. It had been so long since we’d hung out. She took me to the Advance, and again, it was amazing. Afterwards, she and I talked some more and she took me to get my car. The glass is fixed, but there is no rearview mirror! It broke and now we have to wait for another one. In the meantime, I’m still able to drive the car. It’s weird not having a mirror, though.

Not sure of the point of this entry. Oh yeah. To reiterate how much I love my friends. So, I’m sending a special shoutout to the following people I saw this weekend:
Tami, Kelly P, Tyler, Garth, and Kim. A special thanks to The Craigerator for watching Aidan and making it possible for me to attend the entire Advance.

I’m sleepy. Yes, sleepy. Of course I am. You can see what time I was up posting. I was up at 7:30am.

I think we’re going to dinner with Chad and Christy later tonight, and then, who knows. If you want to hang out, gimme a call! I’m open for just about anything. YAY!

Later.

Comments Off on Stuff and stuff