Friday night, I was at my brother-in-law Josh’s wedding rehearsal. He and his fiancee Kelly have been together for a long, long time. I remember when they were just friends, and he bought her a tennis bracelet for Christmas. It was obvious he was in love with her then. I remember how much fun I had with him when we went shopping for her engagement ring. That’s the last time I really got to hang out with Josh. I miss that. Growing up makes you so busy. It’s kind of sad.

So, they were going through all the vows and things. I kind of numbed myself to the whole thing. I think if I let my mind really dig deep, I would have gotten upset. So many people just gloss over those vows, never follow them, constantly break them. The person who is supposed to be the one who never hurts you ends up hurting you the worst ever. And you wonder if you made a huge mistake.

I was sitting there, watching them at the altar, and wondering if they really knew what those vows meant. If they had any idea what they were getting themselves into. If they were taking them seriously. If they knew how freakin’ hard marriage really is? Sometimes, I want to run after all these engaged couples screaming DON’T DO IT! Especially if one or both parties have the slightest misgiving.

But who am I to judge their situations? Heck, what do I know about successful marriages anyway?

It’s so hard for me to be happy for others in the midst of my own struggles, and that makes me feel like a rotten person. I’m letting my junk contaminate my ability to feel joy for them, and that’s unfair.

Seriously, anyone considering marriage or on their way down that aisle, stop and think. MEDITATE on the vows. Try to imagine how hard it can and probably will be. Realize that this is supposed to be FOREVER. You’re to be with this person forever. Look past the gloss and the heady feelings of love and passion. And think long and hard before saying yes. The wedding is the easy part. The real work begins once the honeymoon is over.

You know, this is probably really bad to say. But I’m going to say it anyway. I wonder if God doesn’t trick us into marriage. He says no sex outside of marriage, so you’re with this person, you’re on FIRE for this person–you end up getting married (partially) so you can DO IT. Then the passion passes away, and you’re left with this HUMAN. And you’re thinking “Now what do I do with him/her?” Then again, maybe marriage was perfect back in the day, before Eve ate the forbidden fruit. It’s all fun and games ’til you eat from the Tree of Knowledge! Heh.

I don’t know. I didn’t do it the ‘right way,’ so I’ll never know what could have been. I just know all that’s wrong. 🙁

I’m rambling too much, so I’m going to bed now. Sorry if my entry hurts or offends you–I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.