pictures

stabilizing.

Morton Arboretum 2013

When I last posted, I was feeling rather down. So much was coming at me, so much of it out of my control, that I couldn’t get a grip. Plus starting therapy, my body and brain readjusting to taking my medication properly, and the scope of my contract. And worrying about how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks. Right now, I am very overwhelmed with work and really should be working instead of posting this, but I felt like a follow up was needed to my last entry.

I feel better now. I think my medicine is finally stabilizing. The therapy and journaling homework seem to be helping me process things and figure out why the hell I think the way I do and why I am the way I am. I suspect I’ve only scratched the tiniest bit of surface, but it’s a start.

I’m still rather tired, but that has to do with me not making good choices over the weekend, a BOATLOAD of client work, DayJob™, and many events and social engagements and appointments. And it’s only just beginning. I think I may treat myself to a day at an expensive, fancy spa downtown when I’ve made it through this month. I’m talking one of those places where you get naked and walk around in a robe all day. Massage, facial, mani-pedi, the works. A place with a zen room and fountains and pitchers of water with cucumbers floating in it. Sounds like heaven.

But for now, back to work.

Ronni

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gearing up.

Untitled

Today is the autumnal equinox. Sometimes, a change of seasons is a big deal to me. Other times, not so much. This one though? It feels different. I can’t put my finger on why. It just does. Things feel unsettled, in limbo, suspended. Like I’m on the precipice of something. But I have no idea what.

I’m not sure if I like it. It’s anxious-making and scary-making and exciting all at once.

And it’s confusing. I don’t know if these feelings are real, or if they’re the result of meds, caffeine, delusion, or all of the above. There’s certainly nothing currently pending in my life to warrant this feeling of edge. :(

{gear up.}

Starting today, I have a new contract with one of my favorite clients. The scope of the work is immense, which means long, long days for the next month. In addition, it’ll be AEP time at Humana, which means nonstop editing all day every day. Plus, Aidan is visiting for a long Columbus Day weekend, my friend Sun is coming for a visit, and there is the YA Lit Conference. I feel like I’m forgetting something(s).

Fall’s going to be busy. I was up from 3–5am, worrying about how I’m going to juggle all the stuff coming at me the next few weeks. It’s hard for me to say ‘no’ to a paying client, so I’m kinda hoping no one else asks me until October has passed!

{create.}

Writing/revising is definitely on the back burner. Novel is off hopefully being read and garnering feedback. I will brainstorm and stuff, but nothing serious right now. It’s a lot of work with little payoff at the moment, and let’s be real, I gotta do the paying work first. Because I like having a place to live and I like buying things. I will likely go on a Twitter break so I can spend time focusing instead of mindlessly scrolling.

Writing is the one thing that makes me so super happy, yet also so very devastated. Wait, scratch that. Writing is great. Revising is better. The publication journey is what hurts. So very much.

{deliver.}

In August, I posted my lists of fall To Dos and Goals.

Here is my progress so far:

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least 6 new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year) – note: I’ve read 5, so only 1 more to go!
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times – note: I’ve been doing weekly private yoga therapy sessions at Room to Breathe with sweet Serena. They’ve been going great. I may not get up to 10, but I’m doing *something* at least.
– pay off 2 credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

{now.}

October is busy for Adam too. It’s his ghost/historian month, so he has tours and speaking engagements and God knows what else. He also began driving Lyft, and he LOVES it. It really is the perfect job for him.

The apartment is kind of a mess. I’m about ready to buy 4839584950 crates and fill them with all the things and put all those crates of all the things into the garage. I’m overwhelmed by clutter. I still haven’t completely unpacked from Disney World OR my cousin’s wedding. Helena had a trip to the vet because she refuses to pee in the litter box. And naturally all her blood work came out clean…but she is still pooping right next to the litter box and picking random places to pee—and that will be her spot for several weeks until she picks something new. Basically, she’s just a bad cat and that’s our cross to bear for now.

I’ve been watching House Hunters on Netflix. I finished the latest collection last night. Some of the people are infuriating with the silly things they get fixated on, which are most likely “quirks” assigned by the producers to create drama. But I enjoyed seeing some of the couples. The diversity is great. And I like that they show a variety of incomes. I’ll likely never be able to own property in Chicago, and I’m OK with that, because I’m not trying to live here forever anyway. The show does make me dream about owning a big house again someday. I miss the house in Pataskala a lot. Just a place to fit all my stuff, and room to put in more stuff. I’m a homebody, I like to have everything I need and want at home.

I wake up every morning about 4 or 5am to use the bathroom—then I climb back into bed and proceed to toss and turn for at least an hour with a racing heart and mind. Anything and everything creeping in, pushing out sleep, and making me worry. Monday, my therapist said something about me taking time to process thoughts instead of watching them float away (like they tell us to do in yoga all the time), but I think my problem is that I process them too much and too long, and that’s why I’m up in the middle of the night like, “Sleep, dammit, you can’t do anything about [various dilemmas and such] now so just go to sleep already.”

I am so tired.

I just got an email with the subject: Feel Better in Your Body With Probiotics
And it made me realize how very rare it is for me to feel good in my body. Ongoing medical issues not withstanding (and which I’m waiting for test results for), a lot of times, I just feel wrong. Like I want to rip my skin off. I know I’ve posted about this before. It keeps happening. It’s physical, emotional, and psychological. I want to climb into bed and hide under the covers and burrow. And it doesn’t help that there was cilantro in my lunch today and now I have that taste stuck in my mouth.

Anyway, wrapping this up because it’s over 1000 words of nothing. Maybe soon I’ll get up the Disney pictures.

Till next time…..

Morton Arboretum Autumn 2012

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confession: i like autumn.

Morton Arboretum 2013

I know, I know. I’m always going on about summer and spring. And my dislike of winter is no secret—but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about how much I like autumn. At least the part before it starts feeling like winter!

I’m not one of those people obsessed with pumpkin anything, and that includes PSLs (sorry Kat). I don’t like pumpkin flavor at all, nor do I care for the scent much. But I think they’re pretty and I could look at them all day!

Pumpkins!

My autumn flavor of choice is apple! Apple pie, apple cider, apple cider donuts, apple crisp. Baked apples. Mmmm warm apples with cinnamon.

I like the leaves changing colors on the trees. Especially the bright reds, oranges, and golds. If we’re lucky enough to get that combined with one of autumn’s giant blue skies? Perfection.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Autumn in The Morton Arboretum

I like the smell of the furnace when it kicks on at the start of the cool season. I like wearing the thin sweaters, and scarves, and boots, and my jean jacket. I like anticipating the trifecta of holidays, and my birthday and Aidan’s birthday.

Blackmore’s Night is autumn-sounding music for me, and I’ve been listening to them over and over and over.

I’m actually looking forward to hunkering down, wrapping myself in a billion blankets, and wearing my favorite Mickey Mouse beanie. I know I hunker down a lot anyway, but now it feels OK to do so.

Autumn is the season of death, but in some ways, right now, I’m feeling renewed. I’m going to try to hold on to that.

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fall goals.

gah

Yesterday, I was at Magic Kingdom, fresh off the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train and eating corn dogs and fries at Casey’s Corner. Today I’m in my living room, trying to shake off day-after-vacation disorientation and feeling sad because Aidan goes back to Ohio tonight. He starts 8th grade tomorrow and he’s officially my favorite person in the whole Universe.

And tomorrow starts my work week (I hope my inbox isn’t too much of a mess) and hopefully I can start jumping on some goals and to dos I’d like to accomplish before 2016 is out.

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least six new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year)
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times
– pay off two credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

Hmm. The lists seemed so much bigger when I was making them in my head. I guess six goals to finish out the year isn’t too overwhelming, though, so that’s a good thing.

Now I’m going to relax and read before heading to dinner and the airport with Aidan.

Summer always goes too fast. But at least I like fall. :)

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