my scramblings & ramblings
Oh my God, what? Another entry? So soon? Well then.
I had a pretty amazing 2010. I tried new things, watched new movies, learned about new music, read lots of books, landed a full-time job, and met many awesome people. As per my tradition, I’m doing my year-in-review survey.
I started taking yoga classes at Moksha Yoga in April of this year.
It has changed my life.
If I don’t go to at least one class a week, I feel off. Adam even says that I’m in a much more cheerful mood after class. I usually do feel what I called “yoga drunk.” I move slowly and I often, after class, just have to sit and be loopy for a while before heading home. It’s a yummy feeling. 🙂
Moksha is a great studio because it makes me feel safe. I remember the first day I went. The class before me was a level 2-3 class (I only take Intro/Basics or level 1-2 classes for now), and everyone came out looking dazed and really sweaty. I got nervous, thinking “Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?” Then I went to that first class, a Tantric Vinyasa 1-2, and even though I had some fumbles (Mmm yeah, Half Moon Pose? Was not happening for me that day!), I kept at it. The teacher and a teacher trainee remarked that I did NOT look like a beginner, which made me feel good. My silly little ego blew up at that, though, which is one of the first and hardest things to get rid of in yoga. But I am working on it.
Yoga is teaching me these things:
1. It’s OK if I am not an expert at every single pose. I am just a beginner, after all, and someday, even after I’ve been doing yoga for ten or twenty years, I’ll still be a beginner in many respects. It’s perfectly OK to not be perfect. In the United States, people tend to be competitive, and perfectionists. I live in Chicago, and let me tell you, it is darned competitive here. When I first started yoga classes, I used to push myself to be as good as and/or better than everyone in my class. I’d forget that I was a beginner, and I’d get frustrated if I couldn’t stop wobbling during Tree Pose, or if I couldn’t lean all the way back for Reclining Hero Pose. I’d beat up on myself, forgetting that was NOT the point of yoga at all. Now I am learning that if I can’t get to the final pose, or to that next level, it was OK to be where I am at that time. After constantly pushing myself for anything and getting upset with myself for falling short, this was/is a hard yet welcome lesson for me to learn.
2. How to have compassion for myself. This is a hard one. Getting easier, but still hard. If I set a goal and failed to make it, I beat myself up for being a loser and a failure. Now, if I am in class, I realize that sometimes my body just does not want to go into a certain pose, even though I was doing it with ease the day before. This carries into my every day life. Sometimes, my brain just needs to go in a different direction.
3. How to eat better. Yoga is big on non-violence on many levels. This is non-violence in thoughts regarding yourself (see #2), non-violence in the way we behave toward others, non-violence in what we eat, and non-violence in our beliefs. I’m not going to lie. I still love me some Italian beef and fries, or McDonalds, and junk food? Yes please. But I am making an effort to eat better. To put happy animals in my body so that *I* can be happy. Yeah, it may sound a bit woo-woo, but I can tell you right now that when Adam and I pay more and eat the meat or eggs that’s grass-fed, free range, organic, blahdittyblahblah, we both feel better, emotionally and physically. Many yoginis are vegetarians. I am not ready to go that far. But I can eat better meat, so that’s what I’m doing.
4. A new level of spirituality. It started in class, when we were finishing up with an Om. It was a really pretty sounding one–there were some men in class so there was some baritone action. I told my teacher that I loved the way it sounded, and she suggested that I attend a kirtan. I was intrigued because other instructors have us chanting at the beginning of class sometimes, and I like that. She said it was like a massage for our insides. Adam and I went to the next kirtan. It was weird for me at first. Everyone gathered around, call and response chanting in a language I did not understand. What? And how was this “doing yoga”, I’d wondered, having believed that the asanas (poses) were the main focus. But it stuck with me. The chants and the tunes and the music. And I started looking for them. (Fortunately I have an emusic.com account–lots of kirtan-type stuff on there!) Then I started to worry. Those of you who have been following me for years know about how I was super Christian. Although I have definitely broken away from the church and the Christian culture, that’s still the foundation of my beliefs–that relationship with Christ. I had some trouble reconciling the two. Chanting to Hindi gods? Is this OK? Then I checked the commandments: My God doesn’t want any gods to be thought of as more important as He is. He didn’t say anything about gods in addition to Him. I smiled and relaxed. If anything, kirtan has helped me get more in touch with God.
“Kirtan is non-denominational, the Universal language of Spirit, the song of the Soul.” – New World Kirtan
It’s celebration. It’s love. How is that not God?
5. I can do things I never thought I’d be able to do. How many times have I flipped through a yoga book or browsed a yoga website, looked at a pose, shook my head and went “not even close”? And then end up doing that exact pose the next day in class? I only go to class once or twice a week, but already I have better balance, better strength, and crazy flexibility. Many times I have to get past whatever mind blocks I have and just do it. I surprise myself every time I go to class. Who knows what’ll be next?
6. Yoga can be fun! It’s not all spiritual and serious. Two of my teachers–Cassandra and Mia–have no problems acting silly and letting us laugh at them and ourselves. Cassandra often tells us to “smile” during a pose–we’re all wearing such serious and probably frowny faces, especially during some of those standing poses! Laughing really helps me relax with my class, with the teacher, and with myself.
7. It’s OK to move slow sometimes. Do I even need to elaborate on this? Life doesn’t have to be all about rush, rush, rush. Time goes quickly enough. Just slow down, drink lots of water, and enjoy life.
Other things I am learning: to be more assertive and to stand up for myself (this is going to be a lifelong struggle), unwavering gratitude for my many blessings (I still complain too much, though), and letting my defenses down so love can come in.
I like what yoga is teaching me. I will continue on this journey.
A few weeks ago, I hooked my computer up to the scanner/printer/copier/fax machine/coffee maker/deep fryer/hot tub to scan some pictures. It’s one of those new(ish) Kodak ones that you put the really cheap ink in. Adam’s not happy with the printer, but who really is happy with their printer? I am VERY happy with the scanner, though. The easiest scanning I’ve ever done. No need to install bulky software. Just plop the picture in, push the button, and voila! So easy!
So, I went on a scanning spree. It’s time for me to thoroughly embarrass myself. Funny colors, creases, thumbs, and all. You will get the full enchilada of what happens when one digs out the big guns. Enjoy!
OK, so that’s a bunch of pictures of me from the 20th century. I also plan to do a major Aidan Blast From the Past, because I found some really adorable photos of him that I’d love to share. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my post. I’d love to see some of YOUR blasts from the past!! 😀
Aidan’s finally here!!! 
Thank goodness. It seemed to take forever for June 8 to get here! Even he said, when he got off the plane “I can finally see you!” I really hate living so far away from him. I know it’s not even that far, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. 🙁
I am trying to figure out how to readjust my schedule to keep fitting yoga and writing in, plus taking care of him, and getting enough rest. Not to mention staying on top of eating reasonably well. It’s been a challenge this week because Adam’s brother and sister-in-law are visiting, and we’ve been spending time with them. I kinda put all that life stuff on hold because how often do I get to see Eli & Melissa, you know? So I’ve been eating not as well as normal, and I haven’t been to yoga since last Thursday. Let’s not even talk about writing, shall we?
I need to just QUIT those games on Facebook. Or at least limit myself to a few. It’s out of hand again, how much time I spend playing. I know it’s an avoidance technique. If I’m playing, I don’t have to think about the “sagging middle” in my WIP. And maybe, just maybe a breakthrough will happen while I am virtually farming!
Right, even I don’t believe that anymore. 
Anyway, even though I haven’t been doing yoga and writing, I have been doing other cool things. Tuesday, I got Aidan from the airport, and I learned that if someone is mean to a member of my family, the claws come out! No one was mean to Aidan, but someone was to Adam and I reacted in a way that I never expected. It was weird and a little bit unsettling. But nice to know that I won’t take any crap from people when it comes to members of my family.
Wednesday, Eli & Melissa arrived and we had dinner with them. Thursday, we went to the Art Institute of Chicago. I’d never been to an art museum ever. Well, the National Vietnam Vets Museum may count, but that’s such a specialized part of art that I can only think of it as the NVVM. AIC was completely different and amazing and overwhelming. You know how you see prints of paintings? Most of them never did much for me. We have a bunch of them in the apartment and to me, they’re just pretty or neat pictures hanging around. But seeing a painting in real life is so much better! There was some Van Gogh and a lot of Monet, but the one that blew me away was Saint Francis by Peter Paul Rubens. The way he painted it… the flesh tones looked so real and lifelike and vibrant, like Saint Francis was going to just walk off the panel and come stand next to me. In addition to that, the Thorne Miniature Rooms were incredible, as was all the South Asian art, which I didn’t feel I got to spend nearly enough time looking at. We even checked out the Matisse exhibit, and got to see some pretty famous paintings, like American Gothic. I can’t wait to go back to the Art Institute of Chicago. There is so much I am eager to explore there. The cool thing is that we can take out museum passes from the library (that are good for a week!), and the museum is open free Thursday nights. I get the feeling I’ll be there a lot.
Aidan LOVED the museum. As he’s very artistic, Adam and I thought he’d get a lot out of it–well, as much as a seven-year-old can get, I suppose. He loved seeing the Van Gogh, and he was totally fascinated by the Picture of Dorian Gray, but he really enjoyed giggling at all the naked baby Jesus paintings and sculptures. He did love the Thorne Miniature Rooms, though.
After that fun, we ate some lunch and then headed over to Millennium Park. Aidan enjoyed playing at Cloud Gate, as usual:
On Monday, before Aidan got here, I hung out with Shannon, a former co-worker, and her family. They took me to the top of Sears Willis Tower, and I went out on the glass ledge. Oh yes. Check me out:
In between all this, I am reading a book called THE BLUE GIRL by Charles de Lint, and I adore the main character. She’s just such a cool girl. This is the first Charles de Lint book I’ve ever read, but apparently, he’s written a lot set in the particular world of this book. I love when authors do that. When they have a world they work in for all of their books. Cause when you read the new ones, you see old characters and friends. Sarah Dessen does it, and so does Deb Caletti, and even Adam does. I tend to write in the same worlds too, or I try to, anyway.
Anyway, it’s already almost 2am. I don’t have to be up very early tomorrow (but someone little with curly hair might wake me up early. If not him, then the neighbor’s hot water heater [which bangs every time he takes a shower and happens to be located right above our bed–another thing the landlord won’t fix] will). We’re hitting Navy Pier, which should be fun on a Saturday in June. :O All I know is this: I AM GETTING A CHURRO. Oh yes.
So, with that, I am off. ‘Til next time!
I love summer! 
I still haven’t gotten the big chop yet, but this is how it looks if I don’t braid it or put it in ponytails or something:
The more I get used to it, the more I like it.
Comments Off on My Hair So Far (Picture)