writing

What Is This Feeling?

/ writing

My friend swankivy posted something along the lines of that as writers, we’re pretty much masochists. I am doing some thinking and it’s true.

There are people out there who completely disrespect what writers do. They think it’s stupid, a waste of time. I am not sure where their opinions are founded, for writers influence every aspect of their lives. Whether it’s the instruction manual they are using for their hairdryers or the movies they watch in the theatre or on Lifetime Television for Women or those songs they listen to on the radio, writers and writing is everywhere.

Many people think that writing is easy.

Writing is not easy!

For me, writing is like bleeding onto the keyboard and/or computer screen. It drains my emotions, it makes me crazy and moody and a bit psychotic if you ask me. And yet, I cannot stop doing it. I love it and I hate it too. It’s like a compulsion, a drive that I cannot control. And I LOVE every second of it.

Writing. Then rewriting. Editing. Proofreading. I can’t wait to get home every evening, bust out my laptop and let my imagination run wild. I love those times when everything clicks and the fingers are flying over the keyboard and I’ve relaxed and I can’t stop even if I want to.

It’s joy. So much joy. I am scared of it, but I will keep on.

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We Want More, Always.

/ money, ronni, sick, work, writing

I’ve been sick the past few days. Monday, it had to be the result of something I ate on Sunday (Brunch with Becky!) I was weak and running to the bathroom and well, it was not fun. I took the day off. I’d originally planned to take 1/2 day and come in for the afternoon. I got up at 11, realized that I was weak and dizzy, decided to shower anyway (you know how you’re sometimes better after a shower?) and well, I only felt worse. Back to bed I went. I got Aidan and was glad when Chris got home.

Tuesday was okay. Busy but okay. I felt tired, but emotionally as well as physically. Just BAD. My hair looked like crap and I could not get it to behave. 🙁 Copied the Bark but decided against going to The Grove. Lots of reasons for that.

Wednesday was a bad day. Until I got to Life Group. Funny that I’d been ready to skip out and go to Easton with Bizzy–but I had Aidan and no stroller. Sorry but shopping mall + 2.5 year old – a stroller = BAD NEWS. So I decided to nix the Easton idea and head to the Group. It was pretty fufiling, but I was tired and falling asleep. The emotional fatigue was wearing on me.

Yesterday was the worst. I could not keep my eyes open. I took a short nap during lunch. No help. I fell asleep as soon as Chris got home from work (645ish). I slept, then got up and had a quick dinner at 10. Went upstairs, played on the computer and read til 10:45. Then back to sleep for me. Until I woke up after hearing a large crash come from Aidan’s room. Then Aidan got up and came to our door. I opened the door and he was crying. I picked him up, he said his diaper had fallen down. Indeed, it had. When I went to change him, he asked to use the potty. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! That was awesome. I gave him lots of praise. Then he said “I go mommy bed.” So I put him in bed with me and he was asleep in no time. I played on the computer for just a little bit, decided it was too much, and tried to sleep. Only I had to use the bathroom. And again. And again. And I’m still going.

I seriously hope I don’t have IBS. That would suck so badly.

So much stuff is going on this weekend I don’t have time to do them all. There is a Memories (scrapbooking) Expo at Vet’s. Joyce Meyer is at Nationwide Arena. There is a huge birthday party tomorrow night. The Gahanna Creekside Festival. The Latino Festival. And guess what? I HAVE NO MONEY. I am completely broke. I have nothing. It’s pathetic, actually, how much debt I’m in now. I think the debt to income ratio–I’m not even going to mention it. I’m stopping the chiropractor as of today. I know they’re going to fight it, but I don’t have the money. I have to do something–I am thinking of calling CCC. I’m tired of this. I’ll never get ahead if this keeps up. I’m in a circle and I’m falling, falling, falling. Another reason I avoided Easton yesterday. No more temptation, then no more shopping, no more spending, right?

So, the all-emcompassing fatigue is gone, but I still feel icky. Had a bad dream. Lots of bad feelings about people that I was holding in all came out in my dream. The people I am harbouring something against–I confronted them about it in my dream. Well, basically one person. But in front of the other one involved in the issue. I remember being frustrated and angry and then going off. I remember parts of the dream where I did not feel welcome. It was a crappy dream. But it did feel good to get stuff off of my chest in the dream. As if I’d be able to do it in real life, though. And anyway, it won’t even matter soon. I hope. So yeah. Stupid dreams. Although the release of tension in the dream is probably what is making me not as tired today. It’s not weighing me down anymore.

I am so sick of automated phone systems. You know, the ones that make you listen to 84548578 menus and never give an option to speak to a darn person? Grar.

Sunday we’re supposed to be going to King’s Island. Now, before the lectures about money start rolling in, please realize that it’s free and the meal is included! Chris’s company picnic takes them every year, and he gets two free tickets. Good Times. So since it’s free, I don’t expect we’ll have to be there the entire day. It’ll be fun for Aidan, especially if we meet some characters (they have Yogi Bear and such there, I think).

I don’t like the way I feel now. 🙁

I’ve started reading the “Color Me” series by Melody Carlson. I didn’t realize they were Christian until I looked up the website, and then the kids in the book started talking about God and Jesus and stuff. Not sure if I liked it or not, but it’s in MY novel (although mine is not a Christian novel, per se). I was delighted to see dancing. I thought the Christian publishers were anti-dancing?

I want to work on my writing. There are a couple of authors and agents who have Live Journals and when I read their journals, I get that scarycrazyomgexcited feeling in my stomach. Then I get all inspired and excited. I hate how the feelings dance all around, ranging from flat out confidence and hope to “there is no way I’ll make it. There is too much competition, it’s too hard, blah blah.”

In other words, I am so happy that it’s Friday! You have no idea how happy I am that it’s Friday. So so happy. 🙂

Even though this weekend will be kind of busy. I have chiro tonight and I have to stand my ground and discontinue. Driving for an hour there in rushhour to be treated for 10 minutes is frustrating. Then there is the monthly fee. I simply cannot add anymore debt and I don’t have cash to pay for it–too busy paying off the other debt!

Tomorrow, I have Aidan duty all morning. Then off to a baby shower at three, then hanging with Jennifer. Depending on when I get done there, I might attend a party or see what Rob and the GANG is up to. Sunday is King’s Island. Then it’s back to the ole grind Monday.

If only I could find a job that is fufilling. At least Boss #2 is here, though.

Reason number 489574985798 why Boss #2 is so fun:

Ronni – I need money from you.
Boss #2 (reaches in pocket, digs around, pulls out a $20) – how much you need?

Isn’t that great? HAHAHA.

I actually did have a good reason for demanding money from him. Operation Feed stuff. Word.

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Self Doubts

/ writing

I mean, if someone who has an awesome agent and a book deal already in the makings can still get rejected, what chance do I have?

I overlooked my query letter and it no longer seems witty or seem to have that X factor. It just seems gimmicky and stupid.

The paradox of being a writer is this kind of thinking:

I am brilliant.
I am crap.

My writing is amazing.
My writing is worthless.

I will sell a book and be an author!
No one wants to read this junk.

Yes, it goes around and around in my head. Over and over and over.

Checking my email is no fun anymore because I’m cringing, waiting for another rejection to be sitting in my inbox. The first one was nothing. The second one upset me for a few hours. The next one–I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

Now I am in the self-doubting phase. And I want to write. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will have time today, not without sacrificing sleep and my job and other things that need to kind of take priority right now.

Lord, help me.

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Passion in My Heart

/ writing

So here is that part where I am desperate to write, but once I get the chance, I freeze. I either get scared, or mysteriously tired or something. I know it’s because I’m scared. Because I’m doing something I love and somehow I think I don’t deserve that.

I have to work through this. I have my laptop in my car. I have books. I need to get to work. I NEED TO.

I hate that I become so motivated during the workday when I’m not allowed to write, and by the time the evening rolls around, I’m too drained to do anything. That frustrates all bananas out of me.

Thank goodness it’s Friday!

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Working

/ writing

Last night, I managed to get quite a bit done. Relatively speaking, anyway.

Even though my mom is coming down to visit me and I should have been making the house spic and span, I decided to revise my query letter and also scribble out a few more notes for my next novel. I also tweaked my synopsis a bit.

Indeed, I was a lot busier than normal with my writing last night.

It was a challenge too, what with Star Wars Episode I BLARING in the background (thanks a lot, Chris) and Aidan wanting attention at random times throughout the evening.

I feel excited, though. I’m ready to keep pressing on in this journey.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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