100 truths.

100 truths

1. real name → Ronica
2. nickname → Ronni
3. single or taken → taken
4. zodiac sign → sagittarius
5. male or female → female
6. elementary → Corlette, Benjamin Franklin
7. middle → Whitney Young
8. high → John Adams
9. eye color → hazel
10. hair color → golden-brown with grey sneaking in (eek!)
11. hair: long or short → long
12. do you think of yourself as attractive → sometimes, when I get dressed up and put on makeup
13. do others find you attractive → *I’ve been told yes.
14. are you athletic → no
15. are you a health freak → no
16. height → 5’1″
17. do you have a crush on someone → not seriously
18. do you like yourself → on occasion
19. piercings you’ve had → belly button. it’s long gone.
20. tattoos → never
21. righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS:

22. first surgery → c-section
23. first piercing → ears
missing 24
25. first award → some school thing, I’m sure
26. first disappointment → :/
27. first pet → random goldfish
28. first vacation → Ocean City, MD
29. first concert → Jackson Victory Tour
30. first crush → Matthew
31. first love → [redacted]
32. first CD → Al B. Sure – In Effect Mode
33. first car → 2002 Hyundai Accent
34. first kiss → Adam
35. first home → Cleveland OH
36. first friend → Shannon
37. first school → Corlette
38. first sport → n/a
39. first time → :/
40. first thought in the morning → I have to pee
41. first job → Gale’s
42. first hate → injustice
43. first memory → stacking shoes and getting pissed that they kept falling over
44. first bf/gf → Mike

CURRENTLY :
45. sleepy → I could sleep
46. hungry → for a snack, I think
47. have to potty → I could pee
48. thirsty → yes
49. eating → nothing
50. drinking → nothing
51. breathing → air
52. i’m about to → write, or sleep or read or netflix
53. listening to → peacock tail by boards of canada
54. seeing → survey
55. waiting for → sleep to descend
missing 56
57. wearing → leggings, tank top
58. want kids? → I have one, that’s enough
59. want to get married? → welp
60. want a big house? → YES
61. in pain → a little
62. want someone with you → I’m missing people, but I’m OK being by myself right now
63. wishing for something → yes, an agent and an awesome book deal
64. in the kitchen → food, dishes, cats probably
65. outside → 72 and sunny
66. time → 7:10pm (so I’m thinking the sunny part isn’t quite right, it’s already dark out)
67. reason for taking this survey → just felt like it.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE [OPPOSITE/SAME] SEX? :

68. lips or eyes? → lips
69. hugs or kisses? → hugs
70. shorter or taller? → no preference
71. intelligence or attraction? → intelligence is attraction
72. romantic or spontaneous? → spontaneous
73. nice stomach or nice arms? → don’t care
74. career or homebody? → career
75. hook-up or relationship? → relationship
76. cute or hot? → cute
77. face or body → face

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. kissed a stranger → yes
missing 79
80. lost glasses/contacts → yes
81. ran away from home → maybe
82. broken any bones → no
missing 83
84. broken someone’s heart → yes
85. been arrested → no
86. turned someone down → yes
87. cried when someone died → what the fuck? of course.
88. liked a friend → yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. yourself → sometimes
90. miracles → not sure
91. love at first sight → not sure
92. aliens → dunno
93. Santa Clause → maybe
94. sex on the first date → don’t care
95. kissing on the first date → also don’t care
96. angels → not sure

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

97. is there one or more people you want to be with right now?
Right now, I’m by myself in the bedroom, cuddling with my teddy bear, and I’m OK with that.

98. Isn’t that dude Spencer off The Hills on MTV a total hottie?
LOL how old is this survey (I found it on an old friend’s Live Journal)

Missing #99

100. Do you believe in God? sometimes

Comments Off on 100 truths.

stabilizing.

Morton Arboretum 2013

When I last posted, I was feeling rather down. So much was coming at me, so much of it out of my control, that I couldn’t get a grip. Plus starting therapy, my body and brain readjusting to taking my medication properly, and the scope of my contract. And worrying about how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks. Right now, I am very overwhelmed with work and really should be working instead of posting this, but I felt like a follow up was needed to my last entry.

I feel better now. I think my medicine is finally stabilizing. The therapy and journaling homework seem to be helping me process things and figure out why the hell I think the way I do and why I am the way I am. I suspect I’ve only scratched the tiniest bit of surface, but it’s a start.

I’m still rather tired, but that has to do with me not making good choices over the weekend, a BOATLOAD of client work, DayJob™, and many events and social engagements and appointments. And it’s only just beginning. I think I may treat myself to a day at an expensive, fancy spa downtown when I’ve made it through this month. I’m talking one of those places where you get naked and walk around in a robe all day. Massage, facial, mani-pedi, the works. A place with a zen room and fountains and pitchers of water with cucumbers floating in it. Sounds like heaven.

But for now, back to work.

Ronni

Comments Off on stabilizing.

crumbling.

Untitled

After years of not taking my medication correctly–either due to finances or because bad habits carried over from that time–I’m finally back on that regime. I take my medicine every morning, as soon as I sign on for work. I take it along with an allergy pill, so it’s good that my throat and ears itch like crazy. It’s a nice reminder.

I started therapy again. Before this, my last session was ten years ago. I’m also doing yoga therapy. Slowly easing back into my neglected practice. Hoping it helps me learn to be centered again.

I should be feeling pretty stable now, right? I should be feeling like I can conquer life, having normal responses to things, not wanting to hide under my blanket, not always second guessing the things I say, write, do. Not having anxiety over the few social events I do attend, wondering if I’m annoying everyone, if they really want me there, if what I said offended or hurt someone but they were too nice to tell me because it could be damaging to a career or a relationship down the road.

I shouldn’t be grinding my teeth. Or still waking up at 4am and tossing and turning for at least an hour worrying about stuff I can’t help at that moment. Right?

I should be on the mend. Starting to, anyway?

So why do I feel so broken right now?

A community I once loved so much is falling apart. It had started falling apart a couple of years ago, but now it’s like an avalanche. One of those snowballs that’s rolling and collecting more and more snow and I see that giant snowball careening toward me and I’m stuck, staring, paralyzed. Even though it’s been a while, it was still like an anchor to me.

Another innocent black person killed by police. When every day there’s proof that in the grand scheme of things, my life is worthless, it hurts. I know why people say black lives matter. Because it’s so obvious they don’t.

Tired of feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in. Like there is an exclusive club and I’m never going to get beyond where I am no matter what I do. Even if I want it. Then I get scared. Do I really want it? I don’t know. I hate being so confused. I’m too old for this crap.

Black and white. I see everything in black and white I’ve learned. Extremes. Everything is either super good or super bad. When will I learn to run on neutral sometimes? Or shades of grey?

I live in a constant state of bargaining, and I use the “losses” to justify being mean to myself.

Trying to breathe. Be in my body. Be in the now.

Focus. Live. Chase. Dream.

But now… I’m so tired. So so tired.

2 Comments

gearing up.

Untitled

Today is the autumnal equinox. Sometimes, a change of seasons is a big deal to me. Other times, not so much. This one though? It feels different. I can’t put my finger on why. It just does. Things feel unsettled, in limbo, suspended. Like I’m on the precipice of something. But I have no idea what.

I’m not sure if I like it. It’s anxious-making and scary-making and exciting all at once.

And it’s confusing. I don’t know if these feelings are real, or if they’re the result of meds, caffeine, delusion, or all of the above. There’s certainly nothing currently pending in my life to warrant this feeling of edge. :(

{gear up.}

Starting today, I have a new contract with one of my favorite clients. The scope of the work is immense, which means long, long days for the next month. In addition, it’ll be AEP time at Humana, which means nonstop editing all day every day. Plus, Aidan is visiting for a long Columbus Day weekend, my friend Sun is coming for a visit, and there is the YA Lit Conference. I feel like I’m forgetting something(s).

Fall’s going to be busy. I was up from 3–5am, worrying about how I’m going to juggle all the stuff coming at me the next few weeks. It’s hard for me to say ‘no’ to a paying client, so I’m kinda hoping no one else asks me until October has passed!

{create.}

Writing/revising is definitely on the back burner. Novel is off hopefully being read and garnering feedback. I will brainstorm and stuff, but nothing serious right now. It’s a lot of work with little payoff at the moment, and let’s be real, I gotta do the paying work first. Because I like having a place to live and I like buying things. I will likely go on a Twitter break so I can spend time focusing instead of mindlessly scrolling.

Writing is the one thing that makes me so super happy, yet also so very devastated. Wait, scratch that. Writing is great. Revising is better. The publication journey is what hurts. So very much.

{deliver.}

In August, I posted my lists of fall To Dos and Goals.

Here is my progress so far:

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least 6 new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year) – note: I’ve read 5, so only 1 more to go!
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times – note: I’ve been doing weekly private yoga therapy sessions at Room to Breathe with sweet Serena. They’ve been going great. I may not get up to 10, but I’m doing *something* at least.
– pay off 2 credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

{now.}

October is busy for Adam too. It’s his ghost/historian month, so he has tours and speaking engagements and God knows what else. He also began driving Lyft, and he LOVES it. It really is the perfect job for him.

The apartment is kind of a mess. I’m about ready to buy 4839584950 crates and fill them with all the things and put all those crates of all the things into the garage. I’m overwhelmed by clutter. I still haven’t completely unpacked from Disney World OR my cousin’s wedding. Helena had a trip to the vet because she refuses to pee in the litter box. And naturally all her blood work came out clean…but she is still pooping right next to the litter box and picking random places to pee—and that will be her spot for several weeks until she picks something new. Basically, she’s just a bad cat and that’s our cross to bear for now.

I’ve been watching House Hunters on Netflix. I finished the latest collection last night. Some of the people are infuriating with the silly things they get fixated on, which are most likely “quirks” assigned by the producers to create drama. But I enjoyed seeing some of the couples. The diversity is great. And I like that they show a variety of incomes. I’ll likely never be able to own property in Chicago, and I’m OK with that, because I’m not trying to live here forever anyway. The show does make me dream about owning a big house again someday. I miss the house in Pataskala a lot. Just a place to fit all my stuff, and room to put in more stuff. I’m a homebody, I like to have everything I need and want at home.

I wake up every morning about 4 or 5am to use the bathroom—then I climb back into bed and proceed to toss and turn for at least an hour with a racing heart and mind. Anything and everything creeping in, pushing out sleep, and making me worry. Monday, my therapist said something about me taking time to process thoughts instead of watching them float away (like they tell us to do in yoga all the time), but I think my problem is that I process them too much and too long, and that’s why I’m up in the middle of the night like, “Sleep, dammit, you can’t do anything about [various dilemmas and such] now so just go to sleep already.”

I am so tired.

I just got an email with the subject: Feel Better in Your Body With Probiotics
And it made me realize how very rare it is for me to feel good in my body. Ongoing medical issues not withstanding (and which I’m waiting for test results for), a lot of times, I just feel wrong. Like I want to rip my skin off. I know I’ve posted about this before. It keeps happening. It’s physical, emotional, and psychological. I want to climb into bed and hide under the covers and burrow. And it doesn’t help that there was cilantro in my lunch today and now I have that taste stuck in my mouth.

Anyway, wrapping this up because it’s over 1000 words of nothing. Maybe soon I’ll get up the Disney pictures.

Till next time…..

Morton Arboretum Autumn 2012

1 Comment

confession: i like autumn.

Morton Arboretum 2013

I know, I know. I’m always going on about summer and spring. And my dislike of winter is no secret—but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about how much I like autumn. At least the part before it starts feeling like winter!

I’m not one of those people obsessed with pumpkin anything, and that includes PSLs (sorry Kat). I don’t like pumpkin flavor at all, nor do I care for the scent much. But I think they’re pretty and I could look at them all day!

Pumpkins!

My autumn flavor of choice is apple! Apple pie, apple cider, apple cider donuts, apple crisp. Baked apples. Mmmm warm apples with cinnamon.

I like the leaves changing colors on the trees. Especially the bright reds, oranges, and golds. If we’re lucky enough to get that combined with one of autumn’s giant blue skies? Perfection.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Autumn in The Morton Arboretum

I like the smell of the furnace when it kicks on at the start of the cool season. I like wearing the thin sweaters, and scarves, and boots, and my jean jacket. I like anticipating the trifecta of holidays, and my birthday and Aidan’s birthday.

Blackmore’s Night is autumn-sounding music for me, and I’ve been listening to them over and over and over.

I’m actually looking forward to hunkering down, wrapping myself in a billion blankets, and wearing my favorite Mickey Mouse beanie. I know I hunker down a lot anyway, but now it feels OK to do so.

Autumn is the season of death, but in some ways, right now, I’m feeling renewed. I’m going to try to hold on to that.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments Off on confession: i like autumn.