100 truths.

100 truths

1. real name → Ronica
2. nickname → Ronni
3. single or taken → taken
4. zodiac sign → sagittarius
5. male or female → female
6. elementary → Corlette, Benjamin Franklin
7. middle → Whitney Young
8. high → John Adams
9. eye color → hazel
10. hair color → golden-brown with grey sneaking in (eek!)
11. hair: long or short → long
12. do you think of yourself as attractive → sometimes, when I get dressed up and put on makeup
13. do others find you attractive → *I’ve been told yes.
14. are you athletic → no
15. are you a health freak → no
16. height → 5’1″
17. do you have a crush on someone → not seriously
18. do you like yourself → on occasion
19. piercings you’ve had → belly button. it’s long gone.
20. tattoos → never
21. righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS:

22. first surgery → c-section
23. first piercing → ears
missing 24
25. first award → some school thing, I’m sure
26. first disappointment → :/
27. first pet → random goldfish
28. first vacation → Ocean City, MD
29. first concert → Jackson Victory Tour
30. first crush → Matthew
31. first love → [redacted]
32. first CD → Al B. Sure – In Effect Mode
33. first car → 2002 Hyundai Accent
34. first kiss → Adam
35. first home → Cleveland OH
36. first friend → Shannon
37. first school → Corlette
38. first sport → n/a
39. first time → :/
40. first thought in the morning → I have to pee
41. first job → Gale’s
42. first hate → injustice
43. first memory → stacking shoes and getting pissed that they kept falling over
44. first bf/gf → Mike

CURRENTLY :
45. sleepy → I could sleep
46. hungry → for a snack, I think
47. have to potty → I could pee
48. thirsty → yes
49. eating → nothing
50. drinking → nothing
51. breathing → air
52. i’m about to → write, or sleep or read or netflix
53. listening to → peacock tail by boards of canada
54. seeing → survey
55. waiting for → sleep to descend
missing 56
57. wearing → leggings, tank top
58. want kids? → I have one, that’s enough
59. want to get married? → welp
60. want a big house? → YES
61. in pain → a little
62. want someone with you → I’m missing people, but I’m OK being by myself right now
63. wishing for something → yes, an agent and an awesome book deal
64. in the kitchen → food, dishes, cats probably
65. outside → 72 and sunny
66. time → 7:10pm (so I’m thinking the sunny part isn’t quite right, it’s already dark out)
67. reason for taking this survey → just felt like it.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE [OPPOSITE/SAME] SEX? :

68. lips or eyes? → lips
69. hugs or kisses? → hugs
70. shorter or taller? → no preference
71. intelligence or attraction? → intelligence is attraction
72. romantic or spontaneous? → spontaneous
73. nice stomach or nice arms? → don’t care
74. career or homebody? → career
75. hook-up or relationship? → relationship
76. cute or hot? → cute
77. face or body → face

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. kissed a stranger → yes
missing 79
80. lost glasses/contacts → yes
81. ran away from home → maybe
82. broken any bones → no
missing 83
84. broken someone’s heart → yes
85. been arrested → no
86. turned someone down → yes
87. cried when someone died → what the fuck? of course.
88. liked a friend → yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. yourself → sometimes
90. miracles → not sure
91. love at first sight → not sure
92. aliens → dunno
93. Santa Clause → maybe
94. sex on the first date → don’t care
95. kissing on the first date → also don’t care
96. angels → not sure

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

97. is there one or more people you want to be with right now?
Right now, I’m by myself in the bedroom, cuddling with my teddy bear, and I’m OK with that.

98. Isn’t that dude Spencer off The Hills on MTV a total hottie?
LOL how old is this survey (I found it on an old friend’s Live Journal)

Missing #99

100. Do you believe in God? sometimes

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stabilizing.

Morton Arboretum 2013

When I last posted, I was feeling rather down. So much was coming at me, so much of it out of my control, that I couldn’t get a grip. Plus starting therapy, my body and brain readjusting to taking my medication properly, and the scope of my contract. And worrying about how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks. Right now, I am very overwhelmed with work and really should be working instead of posting this, but I felt like a follow up was needed to my last entry.

I feel better now. I think my medicine is finally stabilizing. The therapy and journaling homework seem to be helping me process things and figure out why the hell I think the way I do and why I am the way I am. I suspect I’ve only scratched the tiniest bit of surface, but it’s a start.

I’m still rather tired, but that has to do with me not making good choices over the weekend, a BOATLOAD of client work, DayJob™, and many events and social engagements and appointments. And it’s only just beginning. I think I may treat myself to a day at an expensive, fancy spa downtown when I’ve made it through this month. I’m talking one of those places where you get naked and walk around in a robe all day. Massage, facial, mani-pedi, the works. A place with a zen room and fountains and pitchers of water with cucumbers floating in it. Sounds like heaven.

But for now, back to work.

Ronni

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crumbling.

Untitled

After years of not taking my medication correctly–either due to finances or because bad habits carried over from that time–I’m finally back on that regime. I take my medicine every morning, as soon as I sign on for work. I take it along with an allergy pill, so it’s good that my throat and ears itch like crazy. It’s a nice reminder.

I started therapy again. Before this, my last session was ten years ago. I’m also doing yoga therapy. Slowly easing back into my neglected practice. Hoping it helps me learn to be centered again.

I should be feeling pretty stable now, right? I should be feeling like I can conquer life, having normal responses to things, not wanting to hide under my blanket, not always second guessing the things I say, write, do. Not having anxiety over the few social events I do attend, wondering if I’m annoying everyone, if they really want me there, if what I said offended or hurt someone but they were too nice to tell me because it could be damaging to a career or a relationship down the road.

I shouldn’t be grinding my teeth. Or still waking up at 4am and tossing and turning for at least an hour worrying about stuff I can’t help at that moment. Right?

I should be on the mend. Starting to, anyway?

So why do I feel so broken right now?

A community I once loved so much is falling apart. It had started falling apart a couple of years ago, but now it’s like an avalanche. One of those snowballs that’s rolling and collecting more and more snow and I see that giant snowball careening toward me and I’m stuck, staring, paralyzed. Even though it’s been a while, it was still like an anchor to me.

Another innocent black person killed by police. When every day there’s proof that in the grand scheme of things, my life is worthless, it hurts. I know why people say black lives matter. Because it’s so obvious they don’t.

Tired of feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in. Like there is an exclusive club and I’m never going to get beyond where I am no matter what I do. Even if I want it. Then I get scared. Do I really want it? I don’t know. I hate being so confused. I’m too old for this crap.

Black and white. I see everything in black and white I’ve learned. Extremes. Everything is either super good or super bad. When will I learn to run on neutral sometimes? Or shades of grey?

I live in a constant state of bargaining, and I use the “losses” to justify being mean to myself.

Trying to breathe. Be in my body. Be in the now.

Focus. Live. Chase. Dream.

But now… I’m so tired. So so tired.

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