crumbling.

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After years of not taking my medication correctly–either due to finances or because bad habits carried over from that time–I’m finally back on that regime. I take my medicine every morning, as soon as I sign on for work. I take it along with an allergy pill, so it’s good that my throat and ears itch like crazy. It’s a nice reminder.

I started therapy again. Before this, my last session was ten years ago. I’m also doing yoga therapy. Slowly easing back into my neglected practice. Hoping it helps me learn to be centered again.

I should be feeling pretty stable now, right? I should be feeling like I can conquer life, having normal responses to things, not wanting to hide under my blanket, not always second guessing the things I say, write, do. Not having anxiety over the few social events I do attend, wondering if I’m annoying everyone, if they really want me there, if what I said offended or hurt someone but they were too nice to tell me because it could be damaging to a career or a relationship down the road.

I shouldn’t be grinding my teeth. Or still waking up at 4am and tossing and turning for at least an hour worrying about stuff I can’t help at that moment. Right?

I should be on the mend. Starting to, anyway?

So why do I feel so broken right now?

A community I once loved so much is falling apart. It had started falling apart a couple of years ago, but now it’s like an avalanche. One of those snowballs that’s rolling and collecting more and more snow and I see that giant snowball careening toward me and I’m stuck, staring, paralyzed. Even though it’s been a while, it was still like an anchor to me.

Another innocent black person killed by police. When every day there’s proof that in the grand scheme of things, my life is worthless, it hurts. I know why people say black lives matter. Because it’s so obvious they don’t.

Tired of feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in. Like there is an exclusive club and I’m never going to get beyond where I am no matter what I do. Even if I want it. Then I get scared. Do I really want it? I don’t know. I hate being so confused. I’m too old for this crap.

Black and white. I see everything in black and white I’ve learned. Extremes. Everything is either super good or super bad. When will I learn to run on neutral sometimes? Or shades of grey?

I live in a constant state of bargaining, and I use the “losses” to justify being mean to myself.

Trying to breathe. Be in my body. Be in the now.

Focus. Live. Chase. Dream.

But now… I’m so tired. So so tired.

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gearing up.

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Today is the autumnal equinox. Sometimes, a change of seasons is a big deal to me. Other times, not so much. This one though? It feels different. I can’t put my finger on why. It just does. Things feel unsettled, in limbo, suspended. Like I’m on the precipice of something. But I have no idea what.

I’m not sure if I like it. It’s anxious-making and scary-making and exciting all at once.

And it’s confusing. I don’t know if these feelings are real, or if they’re the result of meds, caffeine, delusion, or all of the above. There’s certainly nothing currently pending in my life to warrant this feeling of edge. :(

{gear up.}

Starting today, I have a new contract with one of my favorite clients. The scope of the work is immense, which means long, long days for the next month. In addition, it’ll be AEP time at Humana, which means nonstop editing all day every day. Plus, Aidan is visiting for a long Columbus Day weekend, my friend Sun is coming for a visit, and there is the YA Lit Conference. I feel like I’m forgetting something(s).

Fall’s going to be busy. I was up from 3–5am, worrying about how I’m going to juggle all the stuff coming at me the next few weeks. It’s hard for me to say ‘no’ to a paying client, so I’m kinda hoping no one else asks me until October has passed!

{create.}

Writing/revising is definitely on the back burner. Novel is off hopefully being read and garnering feedback. I will brainstorm and stuff, but nothing serious right now. It’s a lot of work with little payoff at the moment, and let’s be real, I gotta do the paying work first. Because I like having a place to live and I like buying things. I will likely go on a Twitter break so I can spend time focusing instead of mindlessly scrolling.

Writing is the one thing that makes me so super happy, yet also so very devastated. Wait, scratch that. Writing is great. Revising is better. The publication journey is what hurts. So very much.

{deliver.}

In August, I posted my lists of fall To Dos and Goals.

Here is my progress so far:

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least 6 new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year) – note: I’ve read 5, so only 1 more to go!
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times – note: I’ve been doing weekly private yoga therapy sessions at Room to Breathe with sweet Serena. They’ve been going great. I may not get up to 10, but I’m doing *something* at least.
– pay off 2 credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

{now.}

October is busy for Adam too. It’s his ghost/historian month, so he has tours and speaking engagements and God knows what else. He also began driving Lyft, and he LOVES it. It really is the perfect job for him.

The apartment is kind of a mess. I’m about ready to buy 4839584950 crates and fill them with all the things and put all those crates of all the things into the garage. I’m overwhelmed by clutter. I still haven’t completely unpacked from Disney World OR my cousin’s wedding. Helena had a trip to the vet because she refuses to pee in the litter box. And naturally all her blood work came out clean…but she is still pooping right next to the litter box and picking random places to pee—and that will be her spot for several weeks until she picks something new. Basically, she’s just a bad cat and that’s our cross to bear for now.

I’ve been watching House Hunters on Netflix. I finished the latest collection last night. Some of the people are infuriating with the silly things they get fixated on, which are most likely “quirks” assigned by the producers to create drama. But I enjoyed seeing some of the couples. The diversity is great. And I like that they show a variety of incomes. I’ll likely never be able to own property in Chicago, and I’m OK with that, because I’m not trying to live here forever anyway. The show does make me dream about owning a big house again someday. I miss the house in Pataskala a lot. Just a place to fit all my stuff, and room to put in more stuff. I’m a homebody, I like to have everything I need and want at home.

I wake up every morning about 4 or 5am to use the bathroom—then I climb back into bed and proceed to toss and turn for at least an hour with a racing heart and mind. Anything and everything creeping in, pushing out sleep, and making me worry. Monday, my therapist said something about me taking time to process thoughts instead of watching them float away (like they tell us to do in yoga all the time), but I think my problem is that I process them too much and too long, and that’s why I’m up in the middle of the night like, “Sleep, dammit, you can’t do anything about [various dilemmas and such] now so just go to sleep already.”

I am so tired.

I just got an email with the subject: Feel Better in Your Body With Probiotics
And it made me realize how very rare it is for me to feel good in my body. Ongoing medical issues not withstanding (and which I’m waiting for test results for), a lot of times, I just feel wrong. Like I want to rip my skin off. I know I’ve posted about this before. It keeps happening. It’s physical, emotional, and psychological. I want to climb into bed and hide under the covers and burrow. And it doesn’t help that there was cilantro in my lunch today and now I have that taste stuck in my mouth.

Anyway, wrapping this up because it’s over 1000 words of nothing. Maybe soon I’ll get up the Disney pictures.

Till next time…..

Morton Arboretum Autumn 2012

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confession: i like autumn.

Morton Arboretum 2013

I know, I know. I’m always going on about summer and spring. And my dislike of winter is no secret—but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about how much I like autumn. At least the part before it starts feeling like winter!

I’m not one of those people obsessed with pumpkin anything, and that includes PSLs (sorry Kat). I don’t like pumpkin flavor at all, nor do I care for the scent much. But I think they’re pretty and I could look at them all day!

Pumpkins!

My autumn flavor of choice is apple! Apple pie, apple cider, apple cider donuts, apple crisp. Baked apples. Mmmm warm apples with cinnamon.

I like the leaves changing colors on the trees. Especially the bright reds, oranges, and golds. If we’re lucky enough to get that combined with one of autumn’s giant blue skies? Perfection.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Autumn in The Morton Arboretum

I like the smell of the furnace when it kicks on at the start of the cool season. I like wearing the thin sweaters, and scarves, and boots, and my jean jacket. I like anticipating the trifecta of holidays, and my birthday and Aidan’s birthday.

Blackmore’s Night is autumn-sounding music for me, and I’ve been listening to them over and over and over.

I’m actually looking forward to hunkering down, wrapping myself in a billion blankets, and wearing my favorite Mickey Mouse beanie. I know I hunker down a lot anyway, but now it feels OK to do so.

Autumn is the season of death, but in some ways, right now, I’m feeling renewed. I’m going to try to hold on to that.

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fall goals.

gah

Yesterday, I was at Magic Kingdom, fresh off the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train and eating corn dogs and fries at Casey’s Corner. Today I’m in my living room, trying to shake off day-after-vacation disorientation and feeling sad because Aidan goes back to Ohio tonight. He starts 8th grade tomorrow and he’s officially my favorite person in the whole Universe.

And tomorrow starts my work week (I hope my inbox isn’t too much of a mess) and hopefully I can start jumping on some goals and to dos I’d like to accomplish before 2016 is out.

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least six new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year)
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times
– pay off two credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

Hmm. The lists seemed so much bigger when I was making them in my head. I guess six goals to finish out the year isn’t too overwhelming, though, so that’s a good thing.

Now I’m going to relax and read before heading to dinner and the airport with Aidan.

Summer always goes too fast. But at least I like fall. :)

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disney listicles.

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At the time of the writing of *this* sentence, Disney o’clock is this far away:

countdown

So CLOSE!!!

I booked this upcoming Disney World trip in February. Booking that far in advance (countdown 100+ days!), always makes it seem like an abstract thing. So long away, right? An entire season had to go by , and days of everyday life, work, etc. Even though there were these milestones to look forward to:

01. Booking dining reservations at 180 days (we booked with fewer than 180 days to go, so we were able to book dining right away!)
02. MagicBand customization
03. Booking FastPass+ attractions at 60 days
04. Online resort check-in at 60 days
05. Order grocery delivery (doing it at 60 days gives a slight discount!)
06. Payment deadline at 45 or 30 days (I’m not sure which–I always thought it was 45 but my travel agent, the amazing Lauren at Magical Travel–gave me a due date of 30 days before. I paid a week before that, though, cause nerd)
07. Pre-order Be Our Guest meal (we have an ADR for lunch!)
08. Arrival of MagicBand and travel documents
09. Arrival of Magical Express stuff
10. Arrival of special goodies from Lauren (seriously, use her, and then tell her I sent you)

So now that the trip is so close, I have that familiar feeling of angst I always get before traveling (this happens every time, no matter if we’re driving to Ohio to visit Mommy or if I’m flying somewhere epic like freaking Scotland), because:

01. I want everything to go right! I have travel nightmares often, like losing my passport, or missing my flights, or actually being at Disney World and not actually going into the parks or having my camera or riding any rides/enjoying the attractions.
02. When we flew to Disney in the summer of 2013, we were delayed several hours because of a mandated pilot rest period. Look, I am all for pilots getting enough rest. It’s important. But this was during the Airtran-Southwest merger and a lot of stuff was just not on. And watching the two flights after us board and leave on time, while we had to sit there for three hours (after having arrived two hours early, like you do) was super frustrating. And then, when Aidan and I flew out last year, we were pulling away from the gate when a big storm blew through and grounded us for at least two hours. So, I’m praying for no delays this time. (It’s also why I stopped making park plans on arrival day. It’s usually more expensive, and I’m usually too tired and delirious to enjoy it. It’s better to arrive the night before, take it easy, and wake up super early the next day!)

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And of course, to do lists are key when planning a Disney trip. Here’s all the last minute Disney prep I’ve done so far:

01. Hair salon
02. Mani/pedi
03. Preliminary packing
04. Incidental purchases, such as sunscreen, snacks, etc.
05. Made lists
06. Put a bunch of stuff aside to pack later when I’m not feeling so lazy/feeling more organized (I’d better get on the ball)
07. Made more lists
08. OOO message on work email
09. Travel playlists
10. Check weather

And here’s the stuff I need to do:

01. Pack the rest of the things
02. Charge all the things
03. Make sure Aidan packs all of his things
04. Send availability messages to freelance clients
05. Get $$$$ stuff in order
06. Try not to stress
07. Try to relax
08. Watch Disney Vacation Planning video(s)
09. Listen to Disney music
10. HAVE FUN!

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{aidan’s gonna be so much taller than me in this year’s photos}

I’m so excited to be there! There’s so much I’m looking forward to!

1. Riding the Magical Express
2. Eating at Garden Grill and Liberty Tree Tavern and Be Our Guest
3. Riding the PeopleMover, Carousel of Progress, Pirates of the Caribbean (it was closed for refurbishment last time I was there), Soarin’, Toy Story Midway Mania (1st time in years), Expedition Everest just to name a few
4. Seeing the new castle show in Magic Kingdom
5. Eating a chocolate dipped pineapple, and churros
6. Staying in a deluxe resort for the first time!!!!
7. The warm weather ;)
8. Getting exercise and walking
9. Buying souvenears!
10. Spending time with some of my favorite people ever: Mommy, Janae, Terri, Geneva, and of course Aidan

And I’m really looking forward to (hopefully) turning my brain off. Of city life. Of stinky kitty cats. Trying to decide on dinner when Adam’s not here. Of everything writing, editing, copy editing, and publishing for a while. Just enjoy 100% free time. (Brainstorming is always OK though.)

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I’ll be sure to write all about it when I’m back! Now it’s time to go do all the pre-Disney trip things! And also bug Janae on text and/or twitter to tell her how excited I am!

See ya real soon!

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