currently.

I’m currently in the Smoky Mountains on a writing retreat.

I should be working on a difficult essay, so naturally I’m avoiding it and posting a meme instead.

At least it’s pretty here!

The mountain is smoky today ⛰⛰ #greatsmokymountains

reading.
DARK PLACES – Gillian Flynn
WRONG IN ALL THE RIGHT WAYS – Tiffany Brownlee
a bunch of Vampire Academy novels

watching.
N.A.

loving.
being on this writing retreat!

listening.
score for BLACK PANTHER
WARRIOR by Chloe x Halle
ALL THE STARS by SZA f Kendrick Lamar

wearing.
romper

enjoying.
being with friends

eating.
sandwiches
junk food
breakfast foods

looking forward.
sharing some amazing news soon
my and Adam’s 10 year wedding anniversary
ALL the blessings raining down on me and my loved ones!

drinking.
Gatorate
San Pelligrino
black cherry tea

needing.
pain killers
to eat better
to exercise more
TO WRITE THESE LAST 1100 WORDS

playing.
The Sims 4
Wordscapes
Wordscapes in Bloom

liking.
I dunno lol

feeling.
ALL THE THINGS

warrior.

Holy banana. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The world’s falling apart. The U.S. is becoming unrecognizable. I’m torn, being upset and feeling helpless about everything. And yet, there are good things happening, things that make me laugh and smile. I don’t know whether to be outraged and fighting every day, or to grab joy and relish it in whenever I can, because who knows how long I’ll have it?

So today, I’m choosing joy. At least for a while.
I have so much to update you on!
Settle in, if you’re interested.

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To be honest, I don’t remember much of the end of March, except plugging away at finishing up my Day Job, and preparing for a life of leisure.

Ha ha ha ha, just kidding. Sort of.

My life did slow down a bit, which was needed. Everyone was telling me I’ve been working so hard and that I deserved this time off to rest and recenter. I don’t know about all that… but I did welcome the rest.

Still, I’ve been up to a lot since the Day Job ended. I’ll break it down by month!

April
Catch Up! I cleaned my room (it’s since become kind of a mess again). I guess I did some general housekeeping. I spent time with Aidan for his Spring Break. I got obsessed with playing The Sims again. I started upgrading the PC that sat unused most of the year in the living room. I started limiting my time on social media to do a lot of soul searching.

My left shoulder started hurting… (and it still hurts to this day. Trying to figure out why.)

Watched A Midsummer Night’s Dream ballet at the Joffrey and it was super memorable. Really enjoyable.

May
I treated myself to a spa day at Allyu Spa. I got the works. Facial, massage, sauna, shower, lunch, mani-pedi, chakra balancing. It was such a good day! And something deep in me clicked. I felt I was hitting a reset button. I felt the darkness that had followed me around like a storm cloud all year was starting to dissipate.

I flew out to Ohio to spend a week with my mommy, which was much needed! We talked and ate good food and shopped and spoiled each other. We both needed that, and I can’t wait to go see her again. The coolest part was Aidan came up that Wednesday to spend Memorial Day with Mommy, and he’d had no idea I was there. It was so much fun surprising him! I saw my cousins and it was amazing catching up. I hadn’t seen most of them in way too long.

I started making friends in the Sims community and watching YouTube videos, really upping my game and building. It’s such a great creative outlet for me, and a lot of fun.

Continued to be cautious on social media. Being more mindful of what I was taking in, and how I was letting it affect me.

June
I finished upgrading my computer and setting up my gaming station. I have to say it’s pretty sweet!

I’m a “casual gamer” and I’m OK with that, but I’m still glad I have a nice setup to play. Makes the game so much easier to play.

Aidan came for the summer. We’ve been playing A Way Out on the Playstation 4. We like our games!

I had a write-in and lunch with a couple of #ChiYA members. That was fun and productive.

It was a good day with @anna.waggener and @mizzlizziecooke 🌸 (repost from @mizzlizziecooke )

I started seeing my chiropractor again. I used to go in 2011, but I stopped when I left my job at Schawk. I’m glad to be back. Everyone there remembered me!

Saw The Incredibles 2 with Aidan. Wow!!

At the end of June, we headed to Georgia for quality time with the Selzer side of the family!

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Photo

We spent time in Atlanta, Jekyll Island, and Savannah! Jekyll is so magical. One of my favorite nights was high tide during golden hour. Another favorite night was stargazing and watching the big full moon rise over the ocean. I don’t have good pictures of that, but trust me, it was gorgeous.

Moonrise over the ocean a couple of nights ago 💙 #ocean #jekyllisland #sunset #moon #waves

When we got back to Atlanta, we visited with family and friends, ate good food, and had a general good time. We also got to meet a baby!!

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On July 4, I got to spend it with friends, some very old and dear. It was a day of meeting new people, eating good food, listening to good music, getting caught in the rain, and drunk karaoke. Good, good times!!

When you’re lucky enough to spend July 4 with super awesome people 🙌🙌🙌 #latergram

Aidan and I came back to Chicago on July 5.

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Aidan immediately disappeared into his video came and independent study cave. He comes out to eat and chat a bit, then he disappears again. Adam and I have been turning our place into a smart home. It’s so cool to tell Alexa to turn the lights on or off, lock the door, or play music. I love it.

I’m now fully in normal life. For some reason, I’ve been waking up fairly early, even when I stay up sort of late. I think my time in Eastern time has thrown me off a bit. I don’t mind.

My freelance load is picking up, there are some exciting things afoot (that I can’t reveal just yet), and Aidan is still here for seven more weeks! Next week, Aidan and I are heading to Atlanta (for one night) then Tennessee for a writing retreat. Writing and/or editing for me, not sure what Aidan will get up to! Probably video games. I’m looking forward to mountains and nature. Something about that is so inspiring.

Can’t believe it’s already next week!

Whew! I think I’m all caught up! Hopefully I’ll be back sooner than several months… but we’ll see how that goes. I have lots to say, but sometimes the thought of putting everything into words on here overwhelms me. I have to get back to pushing past that! In the meantime, there is twitter and instagram. Give ya girl a follow, eh?

Till next time!

That feeling when you just get back from the hair salon ☺️

and forward.


March, please be good to me

My last entry was a bit big downer. I’m owning it. I’d love to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but alas. I’m only human, and my humanness sometimes comes with gloom and pettiness and big old blahs.

All that stuff from my last entry, plus stuff I won’t disclose, has worn me OUT. My bones feel heavy and achy (which better not be the flu coming back), and my brain is like “muh?” Emotional, physical, and energetic exhaustion, and it’s only two months into 2018.

So.

D O N E .

…but even when I’m tired, even when I think I’m D O N E, sometimes a little flame, a touch of spunk, rears its little head.

It’s March 1! A new month. A chance to wipe the slate clean {again}. It’s a month of renewal, of change, of new possibilities. Am I brave enough to embrace it? To dream, to hope?

There are things to look forward to. It’s my best friend’s birthday month (yay Rena!). It’s Charlotte’s birthday month. The Spring Equinox. LOVE, SIMON and A WRINKLE IN TIME hit cinemas.

The weather will start warming up (in theory). It’ll be my ten year anniversary of moving to Chicago. Aidan’s spring break comes at the end of the month.

🌷 SPRING!!!!!! 🌷

February and January were challenging, but I’m still here. I’m STILL HERE.

It’s time to make March my bitch.

real talk.

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Look. I try to be positive and upbeat despite… well, you know. Everything, really. The country is a trash fire, I’m scared all the time someone’s going to whip out a gun and shoot us all up (this is probably why I rarely leave the house anymore), I hate the cold, and I’m weary in my bones.

BUT

I try to live in this perpetual attitude of gratitude, because there is a lot to be thankful for. Black Panther is mind blowing. I still love my mini office. I get to drink tea every day. Electric blankets and “My Heat” space heaters are amazing. I have incredible, patient, lovely best friends. My agent is awesome. People make outstanding custom content for The Sims.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws right now. Sometimes I get desperate like that.

The fact is, so far, 2018 has been…not great. These are the main reasons why.

• My sweet, sweet kitty Fi passed away
• I lost my driver’s license. It was a pain to go through the hoops to get a duplicate. In Illinois, you don’t get your license the same day anymore. You get a temp, and they mail the real to you at some point. The post office RETURNED my license instead of delivering it to me. So I get to go through all those hoops again, and hope they don’t return it this time.

The Chicago USPS is awful.

• Depression/anxiety are trying their best to get me, and some most days it’s easier to let them win.
• I’ve already been sick twice, and anxiety makes me feel nauseated almost all day every day anymore.
• I’m not sleeping well due to various factors, such as the aforementioned depression/anxiety, noise, and stress.
• I’m not eating very well, because my appetite has been weird since I’ve been sick. Also, see anxiety/depression.
• My health insurance premium went up. Along with that, I have new copays and other copays that are more expensive.
• My expenses keep going up. Which sucks because…
• I get to go job hunting sometime in the spring.
• The universe decided it would be a really fun time to have a recruiter try to recruit me for the job I’m losing in April. Because I love it being rubbed in my face that I might be stressed out and worried about money in several months time because of weird rules and things I don’t understand. I’m so scared it’s going to be 2006–2007 all over again and I’m freaking out about it.

That’s just some of them. I didn’t even touch the biggest things.

I mean, I get it. I know my problems aren’t super huge. There is a lot worse happening in the world all the time. And the guilt of my frustration and sadness compounds the anxiety and depression…no wonder I can barely eat. Or sleep.

I’m looking at the first two months of 2018 like:

I was so excited to start the year. Now I’m scared of what’s waiting for me.

I’m really praying things get better.

another angel kitty.

Fi
Fi in 2003

Fi was my first cat. I’d lived with others, but he was my very own. He was a Christmas gift from Chris in 1999. We had no business with a cat. We were drowning in debt, lived in a loud apartment on the Ohio State campus, and my job was stressful and paid just OK.

His name was Fiona because the person told us he was a girl. They also told us he was healthy. LIES, all of them. Fi turned out to be a boy, he had two types of worms, and was dehydrated. But he was my new baby, the all black kitty I’d always wanted for myself. Once treated, he was great. His sleek shiny fur, his bright green eyes. He was a sight to behold. He was also a bit of a diva. Would get so mad if I got on the computer. And if he was in a place and I came and sat by him, he’d get up and leave. Every time.

But he was so patient with Aidan. Baby Aidan loved to lay on Fi and Fi would just lay there and let him do it.

Squish The Cat!

When Chris and I separated and I moved out, I left Fi with Aidan because he’d gotten quite attached. But Fi came to Chicago to live with me and Adam in 2010 or 2011, and he began purring as soon as he saw me. He remembered me! And he was here in his forever home. And one day, he asked to get on my lap. I lifted him up and told him it was OK. He had no issues asking for and/or taking cuddles ever since.

Fi Relaxing Under the Tree
Fi in 2011

He used to be right by me while I worked. All day every day. Right by my side, or on my lap. Always purring. I miss those days.

Fi’s health started breaking down in 2015, when he stopped pooing in the litter box. And he was puking a lot. We tried everything. Medicine, diet. Nothing helped. After Helena’s sudden passing last year, I took Fi in, but again. Medicine. Diet. No luck. We spent years cleaning up poo. It was mostly Adam. To be honest, Adam did a LOT of the dirty work with Fi, all because he knew I wasn’t ready to let him go until Fi was ready to go.

We knew it was a matter of time. He’d stopped bathing himself, and suddenly he was having a hard time eating the dry cat food (canned food, treats, and people food turned him wild, though). He could barely walk. Adam thought it was time to take him to the vet for That Visit weeks ago, but my gut told me that was not the right thing to do.

(Plus, I’d taken a kitty to the vet only to unexpectedly walk out without her ten years ago, and I never wanted to make that choice again.)

Fi’s mind was well even though his body was failing more every day. He still wanted to cuddle, jump, and climb, he still knew to ask for treats and to be held. He was still trying to follow me everywhere. But his body would not let him do it. His quality of life was declining rapidly, but he still wanted to be around us, he still talked to us, he still wanted to hang on.

Fi
Fi in 2013

We knew it was coming, so we spent the past months spoiling Fi and making him as comfortable as possible. He got loads of treats. He got cuddles. We cleaned him best we could, but it was to the point where if we’d tried to wash him too thoroughly, he’d lose hair that wouldn’t grow back. He had a sore on his leg that wouldn’t heal, but we knew a trip to the vet would be too stressful for him. So we dressed it the best we could, which probably wasn’t enough.

I’d put him on my lap and rub lavender into his fur, to calm him so he’d sleep OK. And more treats before bedtime. When I was out from under my weight of work/illness/depression, I carried him around so he wouldn’t have to walk so much on his little leg.

He was stinky all over, but the top of his head was not. I kissed him there all the time. I’d just pick him up and carry him and kiss him until he was done.

Then, it was time. Saturday, Adam found him having collapsed. Fi was gasping. I picked him up and held him as he took his last breaths. I kissed the top of his head. I told him it was OK for him to go, and that I loved him so much. My sweet old man passed in my arms.

I was prepared. He was 18 1/2 years old. He’d been sick for a long time. It still hurts though. I miss him and his cuddles and his little meows. I miss him.

Goodnight, sweet Fi. You had a long life. It wasn’t always easy. But you were so, so, so loved. I hope you’re resting now.

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