i am….

Climb. #spring #Chicago #flowers #nature #pink ????

I am Ronni
I wonder if I’ll be OK.
I hear music playing from my Spotify “writing” playlist
I see words on a screen. A black cat curled up on a TARDIS blanket. An open Gossip Girls book. My cellphone. Mickey Mouse. Lots of Mickey Mouse.
I want my trip with Aidan to get here!
I am impatient, dreaming, silly, tense, worrying.

I pretend I’m famous/important. At least I do in my head.
I feel unsettled today. But the medicine should be kicking in soon and that should stabilize me.
I touch Fi. He likes for me to pet his head.
I worry about my Mommy. About Fi. About money. About if Aidan will one day decide he hates me.
I cry when I’m feeling extra emotional and not strong enough to fight it.
I am in love with my grey Mickey Mouse hat.

I understand the way certain things are, and I hate that they’re that way.
I say nothing very important, these days. Just a lot of silliness really.
I dream about living in a bigger place in a warmer climate. Being a NYT-Bestseller. Never having to worry about money. Going on book tours, meeting other writers and readers. Having livery pick me up and take me places. Going on talk shows. Going to Disney World all the time. Having a flat tummy.
I try to write every day to realize at least some parts of that dream.
I hope at least two parts of that dream comes true!
I am strong.

#mantraband @mantraband #Repost #believe #shine #Chicago

Linking up with:

Greg is Weird

On April 30, 2015, my stepfather passed away.

I still haven’t fully processed it, because I can’t believe it’s real.

And sometimes I do remember it’s real, and it’s like a punch in the gut. And yet, I smile because I don’t want to make anyone else cry, even though I’m crying inside.

My mom and Greg started dating in 1995. He’d actually written her a note asking her out, so I tease her about it all the time saying he gave her a note that said “Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

Apparently, it worked. They got married in June of 2000. They eloped to Vegas, which was not even surprising, knowing them. I was so happy for them.

From the beginning, he treated me like his own. He knew the perfect gifts to give me for holidays. He and my mom flew me out to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday and paid for everything. It was crazy. He’d give me a $10 bill and tell me to get him a pop and keep the change. It was years later that I realized that was his way of giving me spending money, because while you’re gambling, beverages are free! And he was always gambling! He gave me money for the slot machines. I am not a risk-taker, so I’d win $2-3 and then quit. I was richer when I came back than I was when I landed.

I remember one Christmas, he woke my mom and me up at 3am because he was SO EXCITED for Christmas to start. And then the power went out. We opened gifts at 3am by candlelight and I was so scared the wrapping paper would catch a flame and we’d burn down the whole building.

He walked me down the aisle when I married Chris. I remember being a bit nervous to ask him. My mom said he got choked up. Then he said he’d be “honored” to do it.

He said “oinky the badoinky” instead of “poop.” He always made a sad crying noise when I had to leave Ohio and go back to Chicago or wherever.

He fed the animals that come up on their balcony. He bought entire loaves of bread for the squirrels and birds, and now they come to the door and look in, waiting. The past few days, it’s been Aidan and me feeding them. My mom will take over when we head back.

He spoiled my mom rotten. Whatever she wanted and he could get for her, he did. I could have loved him for that alone.

I never realized it, but now I know that he would have done anything for me, had I only asked. I just never had to ask.

But I guess I can’t ask him to come back.

RIP Greg. I know you’re playing the most awesome poker game and winning ALL the money! Thank you for being a dad to me and thank you for taking such good care of my mommy.

finding joy.

Let’s face it. It’s been a rough weekend and start of the week. What with the earthquake and avalanche on Everest, the uprisings in Baltimore…so much life lost. There is a lot to make my heart heavy.

And yet, life goes on all over the world. That means good things along with the bad things. Is it okay for me to find joy when times are so troubled?

Blossoms!!! #spring #Chicago #tree ????????

Here are the things making me happy right now:

Meeting author friends who are positive and amazing.

Tuesday, I got to see Susane Colasanti again. The last time I saw her was in 2010. She’s one of my favorite authors because she is so positive. She dreams big, chases those dreams, and achieves them. She’s beautiful on the inside as well as outside, and her brightness is contagious. I am so LUCKY to know her.

So grateful I got to see @susanecolasanti, author of @citylovetrilogy. The last time I saw her was five years ago. She's such an inspiration to me. ???????? I know so many amazing people. My cup runneth over. #author #booksigning #inspirat

This was us in 2010:

Susane Colasanti and Me

mantrabands

I got another @mantraband today! ???? #mantraband #jewelry #believe #love

I wear these bracelets called mantrabands. They’re so pretty and such an easy reminder to keep certain words, thoughts, and feelings going through my head. My friend Reshma put the idea in my head a few weeks ago when she was in town for the weekend. (I miss her so much.) She wears them. I saw them a few days later at The Dailey Method and grabbed one, fell in love and ordered another one online that night!

My Mickey Mouse beanie

I really like this hat. #disneyside #mickeymouse #selfie #latergram

Boy do I love this beanie. I picked it up from Hot Topic one day on a whim and have been attached to it every since.

It’s Spring!

Blossoms!!! #spring #Chicago #tree ????????

Trees are blooming all over Chicago! I need to go out and take pictures. They’re so pretty and my favorite tree down the street is pink and bright and beautiful so I HAVE to get photos of that. Soon, the lilacs will be out.

Temps are holding steady in the mid to upper 50s during the day, and that feels a lot nicer when it’s sunny out than when it’s rainy out. We haven’t had a crazy amount of rain, though, and I’m OK with that. I’ll be excited when the temps are in the lower to mid 70s and holding, but that won’t be for a while. But hey, I will take this over freezing, snow, and ice.

Finding joy in the little things every day helps when the big bad things threaten to overwhelm me. There is so much in our world that’s broken and sometimes I just wish I had the resources, time, and energy to fix it all. But I can’t, and I have to be okay with that. I just have to do what I can and hope it’s good enough.

currently.

Wow. Such green. Very spring. #Chicago #spring #tree ????

reading.
The Chaos of Stars by Kiersten White

watching.
Gilmore Girls (Netflix)
A Different World (Netflix)
Dance Moms (when I remember)

loving.
My new bags!

listening to.
Rivka
Kodak to Graph
Annelise Collete
Sia

wearing.
jeans
sweaters
yoga pants
top-siders
sneakers
hoodies

enjoying.
driving again
acting class
reading all the things
writing

eating.
lots of turkey sandwiches and doritoes

looking forward to.
my and Aidan’s epic summer trip

pink.

New hair. ????

I decided to have a little bit of fun. Don’t worry, it’s just a wig. My real hair is underneath.

But now I have the option to go a little bit wild when the mood strikes. :)

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