Today has been a day of hesistation for me. Especially in my writing. In calling people. In wanting to do things. I feel like just lying around, watching TV, and just being a big lazy bums.
This happens when the weather starts to change. I know what’s going on. My “inner writer” in waking up. And when that happens, I want, more than anything, to lock myself up and scribble away. Or type, actually. But I’m scared of writing more than anything. It’s so very emotionally draining, so involved. And that kind of commitment scares me. But when I finish a story, I feel kind of let down. I’ve become attached to the characters. I find it hard to move on to a new story.
And I always wonder–WHY am I doing this? Will it ever make me money? It takes up so much time. Am I just wasting it? People (usually fellow writers) tell me it’s okay just to do it because I enjoy it. But I want to share my work. And I want to make money doing it. No, that isn’t my focus. I write because I HAVE to. I can’t not write.
My horoscope today was WAY too accurate:
You are in a rather defiant mood, but oddly enough, you really don’t want to make anyone angry. This funny mixture of energies is enough to make you quite restless. Try to honor both sides of your nature, both the compulsive joiner who wants to be a part of everything and the reclusive loner who’d rather stay home alone. Usually, you can work with both sides of this rather unique energy, but now it’s best to wait another day or two before jumping in to the fray.
Honestly, how do they know? I’m so conflicted. I miss my friends. But I don’t really have the energy (interest?) to call/IM/email anyone to make plans. Sometimes, I find myself tempted to go invisible on AIM again. THIS IS BAD! I cannot isolate myself again, I can’t. I won’t.
I always carry a lingering fear of rejection. I can tell myself a million times it doesn’t matter if I never hear from this person, or if that person already has plans, and I know darn well it’s not true. ‘Cause I have this stupid sensitive nature that takes things personally even when they might not be.
I’m very excited the weekend is nearing. This has been a long week. I’ve gotten used to taking 1 or 2 days off for one reason or another. It’s hard to get back into the swing of things. But I’ve been doing fine. Finishing my To Do lists before 10am every morning (this is with arriving late due to my chiro appts). Just knocking out the work. I love that. I love checking off lists and cleaning out my inbox. Gives me a major sense of accomplishment.
I don’t have any plans this Saturday. It’s kind of weird to think of a Saturday where I’m not going somewhere with someone or hanging out. It’s kind of bittersweet. I’m feeling that weird mixture of loneliness with desperation for ME time and it just doesn’t make much sense. Or maybe I just want to hang with a girlfriend and not have to worry about watching Aidan for once. That never happens anymore.
I’m ready for the (work) day to be over! Restless? Oh yes, I am restless. I don’t even know for what. It’s not as if I have something big going on tonight. Just a trip to Meijer and then home. Again. Alone. *sigh* See, here we go again.
Argh. I’m done!