BAHAHAHAHA!
:D
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Month: February 2005
Stuff and Contemplation
I can’t seem to dip below ten emails that need attention in my AOL mailbox. Everytime I clear one away, two or three more pop up in its place! So, I’m a little bit behind. Megan and Ashlee, forgive me! You’re flagged for follow-up.
I’m exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Anger is a pretty intense emotion. I’m not a fan of feeling it. I think I’m most comfortable somewhere between sad and really effing depressed, with a little anxiety/stress thrown in. And happiness. Ay yi yi. Feeling true happiness is so strange for me.
Counseling today was mostly EMDR. My thoughts go kind of crazy during EMDR. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place. It’s draining but was fun during the “think of things that make Ronni happy” part.
My throat is not happy. It’s kind of scratchy. I could go for a long sleep, but I have sort of a long evening ahead. I’m considering not even stopping at home; if I go there, I’m not leaving! And I have Grove stuff to do tonight.
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…
Boy, you still look pretty when you’re putting the damage on…
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Sore throat, sore heart
Sore heart is too poetic, actually. More like fucking pissed the hell off heart, but that’s something best not discussed here or ever, actually. ‘Cause it’s not like bringing it to that person’s attention will make any bit of difference–I doubt that person even senses I’m pissed and I am 100% sure this person doesn’t give a flying shit.
AND it’ll pass. It always does.
My throat hurts. It’s scratchy, so I’m probably getting sick. How much does that suck? LOADS.
And Rob, my brother from another mother, is going out of town and won’t be back til Thursday. How will I manage?
At least I got to see him tonight. Meet The Fockers was still cute 2nd time around–Dustin Hoffman is adorable. Who can not love his character? And who can not love going to a theater on a Monday night and having almost the whole thing to ourselves? Just me, Tyler, Rob, and Bizz. And some other random people. Didn’t know them. Heh.
Website stuff for the Grove. Should be fun. I hope, anyway. Could say more there, but won’t.
Must remember to take laptop with me tomorrow.
Starving. As usual. My body is ready to revert to night owl mode. (What do you mean revert? I’ve been in this mode for a long time now). Will have big breakfast tomorrow. Maybe McDonalds. And for lunch too. And why not? Dinner. Haha, I doubt I eat that much, but seriously. I’m giving it up for Lent. It’s Mardi fucking Gras. I need to indulge!
Dang it. Everyone’s asleep. I could use one of my privvy friends right now. But eh. Whatever. I’ll deal.
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*sigh*
I’ve decided that I’m giving up McDonalds for Lent.
This means that I should stuff myself with McDonalds the next two days. Because as of Wednesday, no more of that for me until Easter! Will I survive? Will I, will I, will I?
(Of course I will, I’ve gone longer than 40 days before).
I forgot to write about Bible Study yesterday. I think it’s going to be really good. If I can commit to all thirteen weeks of it. I haven’t spent time with just GIRLS in that kind of a setting… ever. It’s a new experience for me. Although I talk so much I worry if I’m annoying people. So I’ll try not to speak up so much next time.
Wednesday is supposed to start this whole new spiritual thingy at my church. Journey to the Cross it’s called. I remember how excited I was about the 40 Days of Purpose thing they did. I started off and was all enthusiastic and motivated. Got to chapter two of Purpose Driven Life and it all fizzled. I haven’t opened the book since. I was excited for When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. I got halfway through the workbook and then stopped. I don’t even know where the book is! So, I hope that I can maybe stick to the Journey or the Search for Significance study. ‘Cause I lose interest/motivation in the middle of so many things. Sucks.
I’m dibble-dabbling in a few Grove ministries now, trying to find a place to fit, a place I can be creative, a place I can contribute and serve. A place I’m wanted. I’ve been to the drama meeting, the newsletter meeting, and I have another meeting this week. I don’t think I’ll be able to do everything I want, but if I can do a couple of things that aren’t too intensive, then I think I’ll be (kind of) happy and not overwhelmed.
I feel bummed right now. Not sure why. I’m not really that tired. Just… meh. Heavy-hearted is what I’m looking for, I think. Irritated at people and their expectations of me. Annoyed at the expectations I have of myself. Guilt for anything and everything. My “beautiful” smile is ruined for the next ten or so days. Lack of motivation is high. I think Aidan kept trying to touch my face last night and I kept pushing his little fingers away. I feel badly about that. Chris finally put him in his room at some point; I barely remember it though. Benadryl will do that to ya, I guess.
So yeah. I’m missing my poor sick little boy too.
And I’m feeling blah all over. 🙁
NO TIME TO GET SICK. I can’t take any days off without receiving some kind of punishment. I have to be strong here.
akdafadklfjalk I’m crashing again. Fun fun. Not so much. *eye roll*
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