Too many instances of Him calling me seem to be taking place. He knows everything in my heart, and He knows how much I need him. I know how much I need Him.
He’s revealing himself to me slowly but surely. Or maybe He’s being extreme about it, but I refuse to see.
He wants his daughter back. I know it. I FEEL it.
All I have to do is accept it. Accept it and be at peace that He is in control and that I can stop worrying about anything and everything. Especially those things.
So what’s holding me back?
Fear.
Stubborness.
Unwillingness to reliquish control.
I decided to do the most tedious of tasks–going through all of my LJ entries and tagging the ones that I felt needed to be tagged. It’s taking a long time, but I’m reading through some of the entries. I seemed so much happier then, so much more blessed. Or more accurately, more appreciative and aware of my blessings. What I wouldn’t give to feel that carefree and happy and full of hope and life and God’s love again. What I wouldn’t give for it to be even more pure, even more laden with good things for Him and from Him.
This phase of depression has already gotten old. I’m tired of the grey haze that seems to cover every aspect of my life, especially the good ones. The same grey haze that turns the bad things extra dark, yet, extra bright, so they’re magnified.
I feel like I am in the middle of a Spiritual Battle. God and Satan are battling it out for my soul. I am torn in the middle, not sure of where to go or who to run to. So I try to rely on myself. HA HAHA. What a mess I’ve made of that!
I need to rely on God. I wish I remembered how. 🙁