I just realized that I’m fiilled with anger. Anger and hatred. Two very bad things to be filled with. I’m just… bitter, and I spend a lot of time just kind of stewing in these negative emotions. I sit around, scared at what bad thing is going to happen next. And I’ve become overly cautious and panicky. I’m scared to even walk to the library anymore.

What’s bugging me is that I’ve been saying, about people, “I hate _________.” I don’t like to talk, think, speak like that, and I’ve said it about three people over the past week or so. I don’t like it. One bit.

This week, I plan to go to Gentle Wind and see about getting my car smudged, or smudging it myself. I swear, I fill up with tons of negative energy at the thought of getting in the car, and while I am IN the car. Then I’m in an awful, hate-filled, angry funk for hours and hours. I’m broke as hell, but I’m gonna stay that way unless some adjustments are made. There’s bad energy in there and I want it out.

Although apparently, someone graffitied the dumpsters. I’ve decided to park my car closer to the front of the building until winter comes back.

I’ve been reading this book called Ultrametabolism. It’s supposed to be this way of reprogramming your body to get a higher metabolism, instead of the sluggish ones Americans tend to have. The author says that the way we do things—eating less and exercising more—is actually causing us to get fatter because we throw ourselves into starvation mode. So, we may lose weight, but it’s a combination of fat and muscle. When we go out of the whole “diet,” we gain it back all as fat, which is harder to lose. The cycle continues until we’re overweight with no way out. In addition, when you’re starving, ANYTHING your body gets in—it’s going to hold on to it like crazy. Another reason why gaining weight is so easy and losing it is so hard.

So this book says that just about everything we eat is WRONG. Breads, pastas, anything processed. We should be trying to eat things that our bodies use and metabolize, rather than sugars and empty carbs that simply get stored as fat. Okay, good idea, I thought. But then I started reading, and man. The stuff that’s the best for us all of course, is the most expensive stuff, and most hard-to-find stuff. Yes, I agree that an organic apple in its raw form is the best thing for my body, but at this point, I can’t really afford it, ya know? Another reason is that I simply don’t like things like nuts, bananas, onions, etc. I’m addicted to all the “bad” stuff, and I’ll need lots of money and patience with myself to be able to detox and start this plan.

I’ve managed to lose five pounds over the past week due to stress and loss of appetite. I’d like to keep them off, thank you very much. So I know I’m going to have to make some changes once the money situation turns around. The fact that I’ve been craving veggies should say something. I really want to eat better, not just for the sake of being thin, but because I just do. I don’t know if I can do this Ultrametabolism plan, though. Phase I is pretty much cutting out EVERYTHING except certain fruits and vegetables, lots of beans, and skinless chicken and turkey. It’s to detox, of course, but still. Dang. Three weeks of no bread, not even whole wheat? In fact, whole wheat anything is not allowed. Nothing dairy (hello, osteoporosis risk much?) Actually, just about anything you or I would normally eat is not allowed.

I don’t want to do anything drastic. I just want to start eating better. More veggies. Less pasta (I mean, maybe I can go down to spaghetti once a week instead of 2–3 times a week). Fewer processed meats and other foods. I don’t think I’m doing any detox or anything like that (although I’ve been kind of tempted to try the thing that makes you poop out a five-foot-long log, just to see what it’s like). I am going to try to get back on the Coenzyme Q10, though. I LOVED that stuff when I was on it several years ago.

I’m ready to be better, guys. I’m tired of walking around in this grey haze, see-sawing between feeling pathetic and numb.

Plus, my Harry Potter action figure will put a hex on me if I don’t stop moping.