Raw and Real

WARNING: Venting Ahead. Proceed at your own risk!!

I Am Not Amused

I am typically pretty positive on my blog. I *try* to be a positive person. Aadil Palkhivala says to “look for the gold” so that I won’t be focusing on the dirt around me. It was the MAIN thing I took from the workshop I had with him in September of last year, and it’s how I’ve been trying to live my life since then.

It’s not easy. I am, by nature, pessimistic and negative. I think it has to do with the fact that I grew up in innercity Cleveland, land of cynicism and angst. I’d say something cheesy like “I saw a rainbow last night” and someone would say “OMG STFU.” Everything I liked was grounds to be made fun of. and I was so wishy washy. I didn’t want to be made fun of so I’d pretend to like the things they did. Or I’d hide the stuff I really liked. (I didn’t hide my love for New Kids on the Block and I caught hell for it. To this day, the fact that fandoms exist for everything and there are theoretically safe spaces for me to go and explore things I’m interested in still kind of blows my mind.) So, I had to act more cynical and bitter than I really felt, and eventually a lot of it just became a part of ME. Medication helps with that, though, and yoga. And Aadil’s advice of looking for the gold. Also, setting boundaries and keeping myself distanced from people who are super negative helps as well.

But sometimes, despite all that, I just have to be mad. I just have to be raw, I just have to be real. I’ve kept this blog so sweet the past few years…and I’m ready for it to be more ME, you know?

It doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into a rant dump or anything like that. But I am going to stop hiding all the not-so-sweet-and-pretty things all the time.

Anyway.

Y’all. This week has gotten on my last nerve! I guess it started Saturday, when I was taking down my holiday decorations (which already had me in an off mood), and Aidan was insistently asking me a question about the theory of evolution (don’t even ask). I was so focused on answering him that I ended up dropping one of my Mickey Mouse ornaments.

Mickey ornament casualty. :(

As you can see, it shattered. :( It’s not that big of a loss I suppose–I mean, I have a whole set. Two more reds, two more greens, and one more silver. And at least it wasn’t my banana ornament, right?

Then Sunday, Aidan flew back to Ohio. Thank God he was in a good mood or else it would have been terrible. HIS mood always determines my mood and if he cries, it’s all over for me. But the fact is that well, he’s in Ohio now and not here with me and that sucks.

I started playing LEGO Harry Potter on the Wii Monday. I was doing awesomely until I got to the Riddle’s Diary section in Year 2. It’s a damned timed puzzle and I’m just not coordinated enough with the remotes to solve the puzzle before the strength potion runs out. After hours of trying, I just turned the game off. It took everything in me to not throw the remote at the screen and burst into tears. I know, what am I, 8 years old instead of 38 years old? Pathetic.

Either I need Adam to do the second player for me so I can get the timing right, or I’ll need Aidan to beat that level for me when he comes back next month. OR I can waste more hours trying, except I have a butt load of you know, GROWN UP stuff to do instead. Like preparing my thesis workshop which is next Saturday. Or preparing for my two-day therapeutic yoga orientation which starts this evening. An apprenticeship I am simultaneously looking forward to and also wanting to just be over and done with. I’ve noticed that anytime I jump into something with that kind of apprehension (teacher training*cough) it ends up being an amazing experience. So I’m sure this will be the same. Still nervous, though.

I had acupuncture on Monday and that was OK. I didn’t do anything Tuesday but get my ass kicked by that game. OH I almost forgot. I got to be super, super, super annoyed by Disney! I KNOW RIGHT? But the balance was coming due for our February Disney World trip and I just wanted to pay it. Online, it said “If your billing address is different from what we have on file, Disney will reject your payment! HEEHEEE!” So I called and the line was busy. I left a message but I missed the callback. Fortunately, they left ME a message and told me that my account was notated and an online payment would be fine. So I did that and got the confirmation that all was well. But I was already so frustrated that I couldn’t even be happy that Disney was signed, sealed, and delivered and now all that’s left is the waiting. I tried to go ahead and make the rest of our dining reservations and also add the ones we already had to the My Disney online thingy. BUT THEIR SITE WAS NOT ACTING RIGHT. Server kept getting overloaded, site kept crashing. THEN I checked further details on one reservation and at the bottom, in big block letters were the words:

YOUR RESERVATION HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

What the fresh, everlasting hell??? I did NOT cancel anything so what was going on? So we finally called and got it all straightened out and also got my other reservations made. See, as much as I used to love the phone when I was a teenager, I really don’t like it now. I’d much rather do it online and not have to talk to anyone. I don’t even like ordering food on the phone.

On Wednesday I saw my doctor and that was OK. She’s really a great doctor. Wonderful bedside manner, friendly, and warm. Gives the impression that she really cares about her patients. I’ve been seeing her since 2008; followed her through three different offices. Now she has her own practice.

At the doctor, I got blood drawn and got a flu shot. My blood sugar plummeted and my bladder filled to bursting (I needed to drink a lot of water to get my veins popping for the blood draw.) The traffic had built up and the lights were being obnoxious and I had to PEE. That is NO FUN. To have to pee like that and to be stuck? THEN we finally got to a Target (where I needed to shop anyway) and the restroom was CLOSED. I just threw my hands up. But then I went back and the maintenance guy waved me in, so I guess he was just waiting for the poopy people in there to get out before he went in to clean. So even though I had to smell those random poopy people, I didn’t care. I just had to peeeeee.

We had a tasty dinner at Arturo’s, then I came home and went to bed pretty much right away. I spent basically all day yesterday sleeping, all night sleeping, and could crawl back into bed right now. But I won’t because I need to clean my room. I still haven’t unpacked from my trip to see Mommy over Christmas.

I am frustrated because I’m so tired of being cold. I lost my Foursquare mayorships at BOTH Moksha Yoga Studios because I’m so tired of going outside and feeling like the cold is stabbing me like knives. It’s NOT EVEN THAT COLD. It’s 49F outside right now but the mere thought of going out there makes me want to crawl back into bed because I know it’s going to be miserable for me. If I don’t have to go anywhere, I don’t. I stay home and huddle under the electric blanket or throw, trying to keep warm.

But I know that things aren’t terrible for me. My mind knows this, logically. I mean, I’m whining because I’m having trouble on a level in a Wii game for God’s sake. And the week wasn’t all bad. I got Aidan a little Valentine’s Day surprise which I think he’ll like. Arturo’s was SO good and they put fresh avocado on my tostado which is nice because I was craving fresh avocado. I got to eat at Pops, which is something that takes the sting out of taking Aidan to the airport, as that’s our treat when we do have to take him. The lady at the ticketing counter let Adam go with Aidan and me to the gate which rarely happens anymore. And as I said, Aidan was in a good mood when he got on the plane.

I got really cool new socks and arm warmers, and I’m expecting some AMAZING leggings in the mail. I also got a check today. I just caught up with an old yogi friend and we’re going to have brunch on Monday. Adam put gas in the car so I can drive up to the other Moksha Yoga later this evening for orientation which PRAISES BE TO BABY JESUS will include a yoga practice. I got two new pairs of boots for under $60 total and they were delivered today. And I’ll get to see some teacher trainee classmates who I haven’t seen in more than a month.

*Sigh* Now I feel better. My meds have finally kicked in, and I’m feeling more mellow overall.

Sometimes, a girl just has to vent. A girl also has to keep up with her medication or she’ll be a hot mess otherwise. Oh well. C’est la vie.

Cranky Lady/Adventures in Shopping

Grarrrrr!

Once upon a time, I loved, absolutely loved going to a store, any story (except maybe grocery) and shopping. I loved browsing the aisles, picking out new things, taking that bag after the transaction was completed. YAY shiny new things for me! Or for Aidan! Going to the mall was an OCCASION. All those shiny stores full of shiny new things under one shiny roof! Someone hold me!

It’s not so much fun anymore. My patience has run the eff out.

I went to the mall to do some shopping for fun, and also get some errands taken care of at the attached Target. (Yes, this mall has a Target as an anchor store, which is kind of brilliant if you ask me. The other anchor is Kohl’s.) I don’t know WHY I thought going to the mall on a Sunday evening would be a good idea. It wasn’t. People were walking like turtles (and spread out, of course), and by the time I’d finally get around them, wild children would be all over the place, and I’d be scared of tripping over one or more of them. Entire huge families would bunch up and block entryways and aisles. And for some inexplicable reason, every few yards there were trash receptacles IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLES. Not off to the sides, but right in the middle. For people to trip over. REAL SMART. Not. I’d started off excited and looking forward to finding some treasures, but after a few stores, my patience was gone. I had to get OUT of the mall and into the Target, where things were just a little bit better (except in the toy aisle. Aye Dios Mio.).

People, do you think it’s too much to ask that parents keep their children in check in stores? I spend more time dodging random unwatched kids who are running and screaming and laughing than I do waiting to check out! This is not just in the toy aisle, by the way. Seems like no matter where I go, there are rogue children running all over the place.

WHY? I was never allowed to go running all wild and crazy through a store when I was a kid. In fact, the first time my parents let me and my sister go to the toy aisle without them was a BIG FREAKING DEAL and we knew we’d better not screw it up or we’d never be allowed to do it again!

I know this is me, but when I am browsing, I like to be alone. I don’t want to share that space with anyone else. So how come, every single time I find a deserted aisle and start to browse, some random kids come bouncing right over to where I am, followed by a mom who looks like she’s going to run me the hell over if I don’t move RIGHT NOW, and they seem to have an urgent need for the exact thing I was looking at/researching/browsing? GO AWAY I yell in my mind. I was looking at these spaghetti noodles FIRST! Of course I don’t say that, and I move aside to make room and I’m polite and everything. But inside, I am irritated and frustrated and impatient.

I’m honestly thisclose to just… buying everything online from now on. Ordering my groceries from PeaPod or something like that. Adam typically goes to the store for groceries, but he only goes to Aldi, and there are certain things that I only like the name brand of. But going to the store, dealing with other people? It stresses me out anymore. I don’t even care to clothes shop anymore. I walk into a store, see all the choices on the racks, and I get overwhelmed. That happened to me tonight in Forever 21. And Aeropostale. (I’m pretty sure I’ve outgrown Aeropostale anyway.) I pretty much turned around and left. (I DON’T freak out in Old Navy, funnily enough, but that’s because their merchandise is laid out in a way that MAKES SENSE.)

So there you have it. I don’t enjoy shopping anymore. :( Well, that’s not necessarily true. I still enjoy the act of acquiring new things, but I don’t like going to a brick and mortar store (unless it’s a book store or Old Navy) and dealing with other customers and their wild, screaming children. I don’t know if people are just more irritating in general, or if I’m just more crabby about it. At any rate, I’d much rather do it online. Or better yet, indie. Sometimes the shipping costs are worth my sanity. Plus I love to get packages in the mail.

Can’t Come Soon Enough

I don’t talk much about politics unless it’s with my husband and a few close friends. People get too passionate and worked up over things, and either I just don’t care enough, or I get upset and care too much. It’s just easier for me to talk about things that make me happy… like Disney World!

With that said, it’s getting to the point where I’m skimming blogs and such because I don’t get the sense that some people are respectfully speaking their views on the election. It doesn’t matter which candidate the poster is supporting, I guess I’m just beyond wanting to hear it now. I was done ever since the conventions. But in the past couple of weeks, it’s starting to get really nasty. Everything’s turning into attacks against the candidates, and attacks against voters and who the voters are voting for. I’ve been de-friended from blogs because of who people think I might be voting for, and there are people who are saying such mean things that I’m ready to write them out of my life.

Why? No matter who wins tomorrow, we all still have to live in this country together (because seriously, how many of you are REALLY going to move to Canada if your chosen candidate doesn’t win?), and we may as well make the best of it. We’ll always have different views because we have all had different life experiences. I think it’s ludicrous that friendships can end over this stuff. And it hurts that because of the direction people think I’m going in my voting (which I did two weeks ago so I’m REALLY done with all this), that they want to write me out of their lives even though I make it a POINT not to throw my views and beliefs out there for everyone to see and read. And sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to shake this person or that person and say “THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE THE WAY I DO, THIS IS WHY I VOTE THE WAY I DO, BUT YOU’LL NEVER GET IT WILL YOU?” But I don’t because no, they won’t get it, just like I won’t get why they’re voting the way they do–but God help me if I ever tell them they’re stupid for voting the way they choose when voting is such a gift, a privilege. When not even 50 years ago, I would NOT have been allowed near a voting booth. God help me if I tell someone he or she is stupid because that person doesn’t think the same way I do. Isn’t that called narrow-mindedness? Prejudice? And yet, people are doing it all day every day on blogs and blog comments regarding politics and the candidates and the supporters. It’s all over the TV. It’s in political messages, it’s in people’s mailboxes and in their voice mails. OK, I don’t mind seeing someone posting “I support so and so. Here’s why.” I can respect that. It’s the “that person is sneaky and dirty and whoever votes for that person is an idiot” that I am fed up with reading. It’s the jabs at the choices I’m making, or she’s making, or he’s making, that’s getting to me. These days, it’s refreshing (and rare anymore) to come across a post that just mentions how someone spent her day, or the latest book this guy read. *sigh*

I’m just tired. Even some of the Disney message boards are getting cluttered up with political topics and signatures. I want it over and done with. I mean, I know to expect 943574895349 hours of debriefing afterward, but maybe it won’t be so in my face. I’m just ready to read about your lives again, not why this candidate sucks or why these people are dirty. I just want it all to be over and done so we can get bombarded with the Christmas commercials. Ha. Bring on the M&Ms and Santa, I say.

‘Til next time.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

Intermittant Internet

Comcast is pulling some sort of crap shoot, so our Internet access will be spotty at best until… when, not sure when. It’s been going on and off for at least two weeks now. Going down for hours, coming up for ten minutes, going down fifteen minutes later for hours again. Router is fine, new modem, everything, and no luck. A tech’s coming out on Sunday to take a look a things, but who knows? For two people who do most of their work from home, this is not a good thing at all, and we’re switching companies soon. So if you don’t see me around, that’s why.

*grumble*

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)