Ugh

I’m still shaken. I walked to the library today and just felt…ANGRY and nervous and suspicious of every single person I saw on the street. I took everything out of my wallet/purse thing except for my driver’s license. Then I worried that I’d get jumped because of all the Tiffany jewelry I wear. I’m considering removing it all and going bare or going back to wearing my costume stuff. I’m not getting joy out of anything right now. It’s like, this huge shadow over me. I just don’t feel secure anymore.

Does this ever pass?

Because I’m having a very hard time trying to get back to normal life right now.

Took the day off again today. I lay in bed and relaxed and read and relaxed and napped. It was awesome and so needed. It’s hard to motivate myself to go into work when I feel so crappy, and when there’s not much to do. But I’ll definitely be back tomorrow. I have to turn in my time card. Ha.

Aidan’s on his way over. His dad has a meeting to go to, so I’ll be spending the evening with my little boy. We’ll probably watch PowerPuff Girls. I purposely held on to that movie for a while. I plan to buy it for him soon, as he is on this PPG kick lately.

Been having weird thoughts about weird things I’ve never thought I’d have thoughts about again, ever. Kind of fleeting, kind of not. It’s kind of scary, the way my thoughts have been going. But I’ll stop worrying about it now, because there actually IS nothing to be worried about.

Later.

Grrrrrr

What a morning.

I woke up, got ready, made my lunch, and headed out to my car. Noticed some things missing from the console area—my brand new iPod for one, and my really retro sunglasses. I sat there and puzzled and puzzled how someone could have gotten that stuff out, then noticed one of my windows was smashed. The back right window. Then I noticed that my console was messed up a bit—the scum-sucking low-life had tried to get out my stereo but couldn’t. Now, Aidan’s booster seat is covered in glass, which pisses me off. I had to take today and tomorrow off from work.

But I have friends who came through for me in big ways. And the repair cost for the window is barely a dent. The place is right next door to me (literally). And today and tomorrow are unpaid days, but because of my friends, I don’t have to worry about the $ situation due to taking the unpaid days off.

I’m gonna be okay. As soon as I can shake this violated and no-longer-safe feeling, and the stomachache and the headache from the stress. Oh yeah, and the beating up myself because I was dumb enough to leave the iPod in my car in the first place. I swear, I’m so fucking stupid sometimes.

I’m just glad my computer wasn’t in the car.

** Update (with pictures) about my adventures with meimeigui coming soon. Right now, I’m just too tired on many levels to think about it much. But I do have to say that she was the most beautiful bride I have ever, ever, ever seen. Ever.

Lauren Myracle

Lauren Myracle, best-selling author of the Internet Girls series (ttyl, ttfn, etc.) says this about her incredible first novel Kissing Kate (recently re-issued):

“It came neither quickly nor easily. When I pick up books at the bookstore, they always seem so glossy and enticing, so polished, and sometimes, I have the despairing thought that words leapt cleanly from the author’s mind to the page—snap, just like that. This was certainly not the case for me. I mention this because some of you are writers, too. Keep plugging away, and keep the faith!”

Did she not read my mind or what? I mean, those are my exact thoughts. I expect my first drafts to come out perfect, ready to sell, already saleable and marketable. I put all kinds of pressure on myself when I write stuff I KNOW is crap, but needs to get out anyway.

When I hear of a best-selling author’s struggles, I feel so much more faith that I’m not so much different than she or he is. So I have to try to forget about their degrees from Columbia and NYU and their MFAs and concentrate on writing well. Write well. Famous words from the newly retired Miss Snark.

I can do this. I WILL do this. :)

As James Thurber said: Don’t get it right, get it written. Time for me to stop obsessing over perfection and sales, and time to focus on telling an amazing, captivating story.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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