up and down and around and around.

Airborne. ?? #latergram flying to Cleveland to surprise my mommy  @lenorakita and Aidan for Valentines Day. ??

Finally! It is the last day of February. Believe me, I am not sad to see this bitterly cold month go! Right now, even though the temp says it’s 30F, I’m buried under an electric blanket, trying to get warm. I am looking forward to summer more than ever. (I also don’t think that particular temp gauge is quite right–another one says 19F, which is what it feels more like.)

I haven’t posted in a while, so here’s what I’ve gotten myself in to the past few weeks:

one

I flew to Cleveland to surprise Aidan and my mom for Valentine’s Day. Oh, it was so genius. Chris and I came up with the idea sometime last month. He was taking Aidan to visit her for the long weekend. I booked a flight into Hopkins, and Chris picked me up from there. Aidan’s face when he saw me was priceless! Then… we drove out to Twinsburgh, where my mom was waiting outside the door for Aidan and Chris. She realized there was a third person with them, but didn’t notice it was me until I was up close, but she was so happy! :) It was a fun surprise.

It was a fun long weekend. I gorged myself on reality television, ate good food (mmm greens) and saw some friends. I hadn’t seen Charla in nearly 10 years, so it was so nice to catch up with her. And I got to hang out with my friend Amy, who I email with all the time. I saw some of my favorite cousins, and really had fun talking to them, eating good food, and just hanging out.

While I was there, a snowstorm came. My flight would have been delayed hours. So, I just switched my flight to the next day, and Aidan and I got an extra day with my mommy. :)

two

Acting class. I’m still at it somehow. I honestly want to quit all the time because it is so hard. So, so hard. I’ve spent so many years silencing my voice that it’s hard for me to stop hiding. But then I have a day like today, when I start to break through, and people tell me I did a good job, and I FEEL that I did a good job… that I love it. I can’t stop. I know if I quit, I will hate myself. I can’t stop, I won’t stop, no matter how many bad days I have. Because no one ever said this journey would be easy. I don’t even know what’s at the end of it. I just know I need to stay doing it. I need to keep pulling out what I used to bring so easily when I was younger. Who knows what will happen if I keep going?

Roadmapping it. #acting #scene #lines

I got a new scene assignment and partner a few weeks ago. This time, I’m working on a comedy: The Visitor from Forest Hills from Plaza Suite by Neil Simon. I always pictured myself as a drama girl, but I am loving working on this comedy. I’m having fun with it!

But now we’re starting with Shakespeare. I don’t know about you, but Shakespeare scares the hot poop out of me. It terrifies me. But I’m going to do it.

three

Even though I know this won’t help my career in acting–if I decide to pursue one–I still enjoy doing background roles. In the acting world, anyone serious about it won’t settle for background work. Really, an extra is nothing but a prop. But I enjoy being on set, meeting people, and learning what I can about filming. I make friends and we keep in touch and hopefully see each other on more sets.

This past Tuesday, I got the chance to do some background work for NBC’s Crisis, which premieres March 16. I It’s the first TV show I’ve done and I hope I get the chance to do more. Maybe one day I’ll be a special guest with an actual speaking role. No harm in dreaming, right? :)

Other things:
– Still obsessed with Odesza.
– Still trying to reduce my meat intake.
– Still trying to fight the depression. Some days it’s a lot easier than others.
– Making new friends in my acting class? Awesome.
– NEED to get my car jumped and running again. It’s been in the same place since December. It’s dead. The weather killed it.

I’m looking forward to Spring. Even though it won’t FEEL like Spring here for a long time, at least the calendar will say it is soon. And maybe the weather will catch up sooner than later.

Now it’s off to do a workout DVD. Paula Abdul, NYC Ballet, or Rodney Yee yoga? I guess we’ll see.

Till next time!

unsettled.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Monday was a weird day. I worked onsite at VSA, but there wasn’t a lot for me to do. I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf because it got caught in my coat zipper and I didn’t have the patience to try to work it out. I got some really sad news about a friend which shattered my heart. Spent some time talking to another friend and digging deep into some things in my past that I hadn’t allowed myself to explore for a long time. That shook things up even more. Then I came home and listened to music and studied my scene again. Watched some Divergent footage; promos are ramping up for it big time. Now I’m sitting here, my mind racing because for some reason I just can’t settle down and go to bed even though I’m tired.

My stomach’s been upset the past several days. Just a tummy ache that comes and goes. Nothing seems to be able to fix it.

Found new music that I love ONE DAY TOO LATE. I fell in love with the band Odesza Saturday. Darned if they weren’t in town Friday night. But, the good part is that I was looking all over so I could buy their music–and realized that had it all up for free on SoundCloud. So even though I got on the Odesza boat one day too late, I didn’t miss out on getting all the songs.

I have to be up early for a massage, which will be pleasant. I’m not sure how late I will be out, because Adam wants to get lunch or something, and I also have acting class. Last week, acting class went until almost midnight. This week, I hope it doesn’t go that late because it’s possible they will need me at VSA Wednesday and Thursday. Yay money and nice people and free snacks. I really am glad they call me in all the time. And I guess if it does go late, there is always Red Bull to keep me up the next day. The sell the blueberry one in the store at the building VSA is in, so there’s that.

But acting class. I’ve been studying my role. A LOT. I’ve pretty much got the lines down pat, but I’m counting on my partner to know his lines so I can respond to them like I want emotionally. He and I haven’t rehearsed together as much as I’d like to. Everyone’s busy. Our manual says we have to take responsibility for our own crap, so I’ve been doing a lot of work on my own. I know Ed’s gonna make us do the scene and he’s always really hard on my scene partner which means he’s going to be hard on me too by association. I’m going back and forth between being really excited to perform the scene to thinking “Wtf am I doing?” What if all the stuff I’ve been practicing on my own flies out the window and I get up there and look like a total idiot? What if I end up doing the whole scene sounding like Roz from Monsters, Inc. and I get kicked out subsequent workshops? Then I’ll be devastated because I’ll know for sure that I’m not special. That I’m just mediocre at a bunch of things but not great at any one thing, which is why I’m 39 years old and I don’t have an established career or own a home and my car doesn’t work and I live in a city that I hate half the time because I just have no clue where the hell I fit in this world and what I’m supposed to do to get there.

I feel like a bunch of stuff’s been stirring up inside me with no indication of settling down any time soon. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I want to scratch my skin off. I just found a bunch of old pictures from a few years ago that are disgusting me because I look so out of shape and gross in them. I just spent a bunch of money on makeup so I can feel pretty again because right now I feel so ugly and have for a long time. I’m missing my yoga community but I can’t drag myself to the studio. Maybe yoga would help me on more than one level. Except it keeps getting so super cold out. And my car is out of commission and also falling apart so I probably need to get rid of it even though I loathe to do so. I’m tired of making Adam drive me everywhere especially when I CAN FUCKING WALK to Moksha. And Mercury is going into retrograde this week which is ALL I need right now.

So yeah. That’s the state of me these days. A hot mess. But what else is new? I’ll probably be like this until summer. And I feel so shitty about all this because I personally know people who are dealing with much worse and I feel like my stupid depression is just… stupid and uncalled for.

*sigh*

OK, that’s enough out of me. I need to try to sleep but I doubt it’ll happen.

Peace.

back and forth.

Fence in the Garden District

I don’t know about you, but I am not sad to see January go. The weather here has been a nightmare. I know it’s winter and all, but if you’ve been reading this for any amount of time, you know how winter affects me. This one is especially brutal, because the bitter cold keeps coming back. And it’s following me. Adam and I went to New Orleans to visit a friend, and also to escape the cold. Darned if it wasn’t cold there too.

I also know that February can be pretty brutal in terms of weather as well. I’m really ready for winter to be over.

But ANYWAY. Because everyone’s complaining about the weather and it’s so cliche….

Here’s what I’ve been up to the past few weeks:

Act III Scene 1

Yup. That is a script. I’m in acting class and have been for a few weeks now. It’s terrifying. Utterly terrifying. But I’ve become complacent and this is exactly what I need to get me the hell out of my comfort zone. Believe me, I resist it. There is so much work involved. It’s not just getting on stage and pretending to be a character. Oh no sireee bob. It’s so much more. Which I knew in a way. But it’s been so long since I’ve done this, so I am very, very rusty. Script analysis. Character studies. Roadmaps. Lots and lots of research. Trying to find those “moments.” Always coming down hard on myself for not nailing that “heightened sense of reality” that I so desperately want to obtain.

It’s a challenge. I feel like quitting every other day. I know I could and just eat the tuition. But I’d be letting myself down. And I’m tired of doing that.

Plus I kinda love it. Those moments when it clicks and I feel it. It’s rare for now, since I’m essentially starting over, but it’s happening more and more. It’s good when that happens. Makes all the work and angst worth it.

French Quarter

As I mentioned, I went to New Orleans. While I was there, I had my first po’boy sandwich and it was freaking frakking delicious. My second po’boy sandwich was OK, but that first one was so, so good. I also had delicious beignets, and yummy bread pudding, and greens, and creole chicken at a fancy place called Galatoire’s in the French Quarter. I got super drunk on a Monsoon that I shared with Adam, then proceeded to take a selfie in the bathroom.

Drunk at Snug Harbor

I saw beautiful architecture, bought some awesome things, and listened to good live jazz music. It was a fun trip!

New Orleans Mosaic
1. Beignets, 2. Galatoire’s, 3. French Quarter, 4. Lafayette Cemetary #1,
5. Rose, 6. First ever Po-boy, 7. House, 8. Chicken Creole, 9. Palm Trees

So now I have a travel bug. I want to go to a tropical island and lie in the sun and read all day. I want to go to Paris (but not until it’s warmer) and London (same) and just go around taking pictures and eating yummy things. But… all in good time.

On another note, I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my last post. I wrote it right before Christmas and sat on it for weeks because I was afraid to share. It means a lot that people read it and that it resonated.

That’s all for now. Short and sweet! Till next time…..

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