life

Just Writing.

/ aidan, books, friends, life, meme, mommyhood, sick

Just felt like writing. I slept on the couch last night because I was coughing so much I didn’t want to wake up Aidan. Tonight, I’m sleeping in the guest room so I can cough to my heart’s content. Except, I’m not really content when I’m coughing so much….

Aidan is so precious. It’s kind of weird to me how Chris can leave him alone and crying before he goes to sleep. I’m sure I derail whatever Chris is trying to teach him by doing that because if I hear Chris leave Aidan’s room and Aidan is screaming, I drop everything and go in there with him. I did that a bit ago. Aidan just wanted a soft cheek to touch as he fell off to sleep. It’s so amazing how this little hand is so gentle and special. So full of non-judgement and unconditional love. I don’t like for people to touch my face, but Aidan has full reign. 🙂

I’m slowly starting to feel better. The coughing fits seem to be getting milder, thank goodness. I can sit up for longer than an hour at a time. I don’t feel nearly as exhausted and stuffy as I did before. The first part of this week was pretty much a blur, especially Tuesday and Wednesday. A congested, stuffy-nosed, coughing-filled blur. I hate being sick so much. I lose out and I get so behind and I have no energy for anything. Finally am I starting to feel a bit more like myself.

It must be “Thursday.” I remember back in early 2000, I had a horrible case of the flu. I was throwing up, I could not sit up for more than ten minutes at a time. I had absolutely no appetite. I was sleeping all day. I was miserable and crying because I was so weak and tired and sick. Then Thursday came and I felt better. Chris gave me orange juice and I am convinced the o.j. helped me somewhat. I remember watching Ever After and feeling so happy that I could walk to the bathroom without feeling like I was going to collapse.

One of my books that I put on reserve is in at the library–Speak. Becky recommended it to me, so I’ll go and pick that up soon; they’re holding it ’til the 23rd. I’ll turn in Wicked while I’m at it. I put that third book in the Traveling Pants series on reserve, but last I checked, I was number 115! It’s going to be a while before I get to read that book, huh? Of course, I could just buy all three of them from amazon the next time I get paid. Actually, I may have gotten paid today…? I’m not exactly sure. Hmmm.

There is a cat in here purring. I think it may be Fi. 🙂 Yup, it’s Fi. Yay.

<3 Rob & Bizzy <3!!!
(and ho hos and macaroni and cheese!)

I am having a fit. A Megan (megnita) fit. (ya know, like a nicotene fit?) I haven’t seen her in ages. I must hang out with her soon.

Meep

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I Blend In Like A Good Weave

/ aidan, friends, life

I can’t fight it. I’ve got the urge to write again. Anything. Letters, poems, fiction. Something. I need to be writing.

So here I am, writing. Again.

It doesn’t matter that it’s after 1am and I’m dead tired from lack of good sleep. The boys got in at 1:10am Tuesday morning. I had to get them from the airport. Aidan was miserable. He held on to me for dear life. We got home around 2ish and we all went to bed shortly after. Aidan fell asleep in Chris’s arms. Since Aidan was with him, Chris did not put on his machine. His snoring kept me up so I moved to the other room. At about probably 5am, Aidan woke up and started crying for me. Chris gave him to me. Aidan stayed up crying til about 7. I was up with him, and finally we fell into a fitful 2.5 hour sleep.

Tuesday was rough. I was tired. We took Aidan back to the doctor because he had yet another fever. He’d been running them on and off for days and days. I found out what the problem most likely was, and it was my fault, and I feel so guilty. The doctor told me not to worry, it happens all the time. But I didn’t want it to happen to Aidan and now he’s sick and in pain and it’s all because of me. 🙁

Aidan is sick. I’m sick. I get these coughing fits that make me want to puke because I’m coughing so much. I nearly cry because I’m so frustrated at all the coughing with nothing to do about it. I’m out of control–just like I’m out of control of so much in my life.

I’ve seen so many movies over the past few days. Tommy Boy (great reliving it), Undercover Brother (I blend in like a good weave), Hitch (GO SEE IT NOW) just to name a few.

I need to reiterate how much I love Rob and Bizzy. Seeing them at least three times a week has become a regular thing for me. I can’t imagine what I did witih all of my time before. Actually, I can, and it involves playing around on this here computer.

Uh oh. Aidan is crying now. Looks like another long night for me. Another day off if I don’t get enough rest, and another day my boss gets to be pissed off at me. I guess I can’t help it that my little one comes first and this winter has been a rough one for me.

Later…

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Grr.

/ aidan, life, mommyhood

So what’s the point in taking the morning off of work when I can’t sleep?

I went to bed relatively early. But Aidan was coughing and that kept me up for hours. THEN he woke up at 3am having a night terror. He screamed and cried and wouldn’t sit still. He’d ask for me then pull away. He was all over the house, and throwing things, crying and doing wierd things like standing on the scale and sitting at the kitchen table. We gave him milk and fruit snacks. He threw the milk and dumped out the fruit snacks. He’d take off running and throwing things and freaking out. There is no way he was awake, but it was scary! Upstairs, sat at my computer and typed weird stuff before crawling under my desk and curling into a ball. Then he went into our bedroom, turned on the TV, then ran into the bathroom. I finally got the genious idea to turn the lights on. By now it was after four and nothing Chris or I did could help him. So, I turned on the light and it took him a few minutes but he finally woke up and was happy and back to normal and cuddling and smiling again. It took him a while to get back to sleep, though. I didn’t turn off the light til almost five, probably.

And then there is Lucy. I love my little cat, but man, she’s being a demanding little thing today.

I’m tired. I also don’t feel well. Sore throat, cough. Would rather take the entire day off, but I’m supposed to be meeting Kelle Belle (itskels) for lunch. Ugggg, I feel like crap. Seriously. I’m tired but wired, I hate when that happens. But I’m tired of feeling like poop all the time.

Oh well. I guess I should get going for now. I’ll do lunch, then go to work, then endure whatever wrath is in store for me. I’m sure there is some brewing from lots of sources. All because I have the unfortunate gift of being honest. Dang it.

But whatever.

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Stuff and Contemplation

/ friends, life, reflection, ronni

I can’t seem to dip below ten emails that need attention in my AOL mailbox. Everytime I clear one away, two or three more pop up in its place! So, I’m a little bit behind. Megan and Ashlee, forgive me! You’re flagged for follow-up.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Anger is a pretty intense emotion. I’m not a fan of feeling it. I think I’m most comfortable somewhere between sad and really effing depressed, with a little anxiety/stress thrown in. And happiness. Ay yi yi. Feeling true happiness is so strange for me.

Counseling today was mostly EMDR. My thoughts go kind of crazy during EMDR. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place. It’s draining but was fun during the “think of things that make Ronni happy” part.

My throat is not happy. It’s kind of scratchy. I could go for a long sleep, but I have sort of a long evening ahead. I’m considering not even stopping at home; if I go there, I’m not leaving! And I have Grove stuff to do tonight.

Have you ever wondered…

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Sore throat, sore heart

/ friends, life, sad

Sore heart is too poetic, actually. More like fucking pissed the hell off heart, but that’s something best not discussed here or ever, actually. ‘Cause it’s not like bringing it to that person’s attention will make any bit of difference–I doubt that person even senses I’m pissed and I am 100% sure this person doesn’t give a flying shit.

AND it’ll pass. It always does.

My throat hurts. It’s scratchy, so I’m probably getting sick. How much does that suck? LOADS.

And Rob, my brother from another mother, is going out of town and won’t be back til Thursday. How will I manage?

At least I got to see him tonight. Meet The Fockers was still cute 2nd time around–Dustin Hoffman is adorable. Who can not love his character? And who can not love going to a theater on a Monday night and having almost the whole thing to ourselves? Just me, Tyler, Rob, and Bizz. And some other random people. Didn’t know them. Heh.

Website stuff for the Grove. Should be fun. I hope, anyway. Could say more there, but won’t.

Must remember to take laptop with me tomorrow.

Starving. As usual. My body is ready to revert to night owl mode. (What do you mean revert? I’ve been in this mode for a long time now). Will have big breakfast tomorrow. Maybe McDonalds. And for lunch too. And why not? Dinner. Haha, I doubt I eat that much, but seriously. I’m giving it up for Lent. It’s Mardi fucking Gras. I need to indulge!

Dang it. Everyone’s asleep. I could use one of my privvy friends right now. But eh. Whatever. I’ll deal.

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