A week after I quit that job, I am now starting to feel the depression of not having full-time work. I know I did the right thing in leaving, but right now, that “You’re worthless, no one wants you on their staff unless they’re going to mistreat/underpay you, why can’t you just suck it up and deal with working in miserable conditions just like everyone else” voice is beating heavily into me.

This week started off so great, too.

Adam’s family, Aidan, and I went down to Millennium Park and to Cloud Gate, which never gets old for me. It was Aidan’s first time there, and he LOVED it. He’d been talking about seeing “the big bean” for ages now.

I realized that there were no pictures of me without a camera in front of my face, like this one:

So I had Adam take one of me:

Aidan got wet in the giant fountains. I mean SOAKING!

But he didn’t care much for the train ride home. He was scared to death to go underground (he thought it would be very dark) and the train was very loud. He cried at first.

Yesterday was a good day.

Today started off nicely, too. It was a beautiful day. Perfect temps, sunny, blue skies and fluffy clouds. My most favorite kind of day. I got to meet Adam’s business partner Troy, and I took pictures of the Weird Chicago guys down on the lake shore. Cassidy treated me to a manicure (hadn’t had one since prom) and a pedicure (hadn’t had one since 2006) and my toes look adorable:

We ate lunch at an adorable Italian place in Niles, IL. and acted silly when we were stuffed to the hilt.

After popping into Target where I found out the gift card Ivy gave me was $40, not $25 like I’d thought, the Selzer’s dropped Aidan and me off and are now heading back toward Georgia.

I’m letting the little disappointments get to me. I got a little carsick today on the way to Target. Didn’t puke, thank God. The new pillow I got reeks and I have to return it. I feel like I’m letting everyone down for various reasons, and I honestly feel like crawling into a hole for a while. Everything’s eating away at my heart and soul and I know it’s a matter of time before I break down (again). But I have my little guy here and he loves me no matter what, so I’m going to hang on to that.

The job hunting blogs keep bleating the same thing. “YOU WILL NOT FIND A JOB SCOURING THE JOB BOARDS AND THE WANT ADS. THE ONLY WAY TO GET JOBS IS THROUGH CONTACTS AND NETWORKING.” Well, that’s nice and all, IF YOU FREAKIN’ HAVE CONTACTS. Guess who pretty much has ZERO contacts in Chicago. The agencies have been somewhat helpful. There is one here that I’ve had really great luck with, one that I’ve had OK luck with, and one that I’ve had a bit of luck with. But none of the full-time stuff I was up for panned out. That’s about as far as having contacts goes for me. It just seems like that “dream job” is always going to be out of reach. I want to do what I’m good at and what I love, and I want to be compensated well (or at least paid a living wage for goodness sakes) and treated with respect while I do so. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting away while someone gets rich off of me while I’m away from my adorable little boy. But that won’t happen as long as I seek work for others… but I’m too scared to try to do this on my own on the self-employment route. I feel trapped and stuck and scared. Like I’ve gone backwards instead of forward or even lateral, and that’s the way it’s always going to be for someone like me, whose talents are a dime a dozen in one of the most competitive fields out there.

And folks, that’s how I feel now. Sad and tired (haven’t had a lot of sleep the past several days) and like the world’s biggest failure except when it comes to Aidan. And sometimes, I have my doubts about that too.

Bye.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)