ronni

gearing up.

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Today is the autumnal equinox. Sometimes, a change of seasons is a big deal to me. Other times, not so much. This one though? It feels different. I can’t put my finger on why. It just does. Things feel unsettled, in limbo, suspended. Like I’m on the precipice of something. But I have no idea what.

I’m not sure if I like it. It’s anxious-making and scary-making and exciting all at once.

And it’s confusing. I don’t know if these feelings are real, or if they’re the result of meds, caffeine, delusion, or all of the above. There’s certainly nothing currently pending in my life to warrant this feeling of edge. :(

{gear up.}

Starting today, I have a new contract with one of my favorite clients. The scope of the work is immense, which means long, long days for the next month. In addition, it’ll be AEP time at Humana, which means nonstop editing all day every day. Plus, Aidan is visiting for a long Columbus Day weekend, my friend Sun is coming for a visit, and there is the YA Lit Conference. I feel like I’m forgetting something(s).

Fall’s going to be busy. I was up from 3–5am, worrying about how I’m going to juggle all the stuff coming at me the next few weeks. It’s hard for me to say ‘no’ to a paying client, so I’m kinda hoping no one else asks me until October has passed!

{create.}

Writing/revising is definitely on the back burner. Novel is off hopefully being read and garnering feedback. I will brainstorm and stuff, but nothing serious right now. It’s a lot of work with little payoff at the moment, and let’s be real, I gotta do the paying work first. Because I like having a place to live and I like buying things. I will likely go on a Twitter break so I can spend time focusing instead of mindlessly scrolling.

Writing is the one thing that makes me so super happy, yet also so very devastated. Wait, scratch that. Writing is great. Revising is better. The publication journey is what hurts. So very much.

{deliver.}

In August, I posted my lists of fall To Dos and Goals.

Here is my progress so far:

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least 6 new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year) – note: I’ve read 5, so only 1 more to go!
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times – note: I’ve been doing weekly private yoga therapy sessions at Room to Breathe with sweet Serena. They’ve been going great. I may not get up to 10, but I’m doing *something* at least.
– pay off 2 credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

{now.}

October is busy for Adam too. It’s his ghost/historian month, so he has tours and speaking engagements and God knows what else. He also began driving Lyft, and he LOVES it. It really is the perfect job for him.

The apartment is kind of a mess. I’m about ready to buy 4839584950 crates and fill them with all the things and put all those crates of all the things into the garage. I’m overwhelmed by clutter. I still haven’t completely unpacked from Disney World OR my cousin’s wedding. Helena had a trip to the vet because she refuses to pee in the litter box. And naturally all her blood work came out clean…but she is still pooping right next to the litter box and picking random places to pee—and that will be her spot for several weeks until she picks something new. Basically, she’s just a bad cat and that’s our cross to bear for now.

I’ve been watching House Hunters on Netflix. I finished the latest collection last night. Some of the people are infuriating with the silly things they get fixated on, which are most likely “quirks” assigned by the producers to create drama. But I enjoyed seeing some of the couples. The diversity is great. And I like that they show a variety of incomes. I’ll likely never be able to own property in Chicago, and I’m OK with that, because I’m not trying to live here forever anyway. The show does make me dream about owning a big house again someday. I miss the house in Pataskala a lot. Just a place to fit all my stuff, and room to put in more stuff. I’m a homebody, I like to have everything I need and want at home.

I wake up every morning about 4 or 5am to use the bathroom—then I climb back into bed and proceed to toss and turn for at least an hour with a racing heart and mind. Anything and everything creeping in, pushing out sleep, and making me worry. Monday, my therapist said something about me taking time to process thoughts instead of watching them float away (like they tell us to do in yoga all the time), but I think my problem is that I process them too much and too long, and that’s why I’m up in the middle of the night like, “Sleep, dammit, you can’t do anything about [various dilemmas and such] now so just go to sleep already.”

I am so tired.

I just got an email with the subject: Feel Better in Your Body With Probiotics
And it made me realize how very rare it is for me to feel good in my body. Ongoing medical issues not withstanding (and which I’m waiting for test results for), a lot of times, I just feel wrong. Like I want to rip my skin off. I know I’ve posted about this before. It keeps happening. It’s physical, emotional, and psychological. I want to climb into bed and hide under the covers and burrow. And it doesn’t help that there was cilantro in my lunch today and now I have that taste stuck in my mouth.

Anyway, wrapping this up because it’s over 1000 words of nothing. Maybe soon I’ll get up the Disney pictures.

Till next time…..

Morton Arboretum Autumn 2012

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fall goals.

gah

Yesterday, I was at Magic Kingdom, fresh off the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train and eating corn dogs and fries at Casey’s Corner. Today I’m in my living room, trying to shake off day-after-vacation disorientation and feeling sad because Aidan goes back to Ohio tonight. He starts 8th grade tomorrow and he’s officially my favorite person in the whole Universe.

And tomorrow starts my work week (I hope my inbox isn’t too much of a mess) and hopefully I can start jumping on some goals and to dos I’d like to accomplish before 2016 is out.

To Dos
– get car jumped
– get emissions test
– register for Anderson’s YA Lit Conference
– massive laundry
– various medical things
– trip report blog post
– process photos

Goals
– write a short story
– read at least six new books (to make my goal of 15 for the year)
– start writing a new novel
– go to yoga at least 10 times
– pay off two credit cards
– visit the arboretum (I missed it last year)

Hmm. The lists seemed so much bigger when I was making them in my head. I guess six goals to finish out the year isn’t too overwhelming, though, so that’s a good thing.

Now I’m going to relax and read before heading to dinner and the airport with Aidan.

Summer always goes too fast. But at least I like fall. :)

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10 random things.

Selfie Game
10 Random Things
(you may or may not have known about me)

one
I am a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I have ideas on the way certain industries are run, and the way certain institutions are upheld. But I don’t talk about them too much because well, conspiracy theorists aren’t looked upon very favorably. And I don’t believe the really out there stuff, although I find it fascinating.

two
I hate when I’m in a car with someone, and the driver has a drink and keeps drinking it when the car is moving. I don’t know why this bothers me, but it has for at least twenty years now.

three
How am I talking about stuff in multi-decades ago? I am truly in denial about how old I am, until the neighbors start making noise and I want to put on a robe, wrap my hair in curlers, and wave my cane.

(I don’t really have a cane.)

four
I never used to consider myself anxious, but I’m finding that I feel it more and more, especially when I go out. I am such a homebody, so I’d rather stay inside or in the neighborhood. But it’s getting to the point where even crossing Grand Ave to get my favorite sushi ever freaks me out. The street has four-way stop signs, but people rarely wait their turns, and they speed up so fast they nearly run the signs. All the time. Every time I have to cross it, I worry it’s going to be the last thing I ever do. I try to do everything on the side of Grand Ave I don’t have to cross to get to. Even if the sushi place on that side costs more.

Maybe that’s a normal fear and not exactly anxiety. But explain why I had to close my eyes and take deep breaths when I was at Damon, North, and Milwaukee, one of those diagonal and SUPER heavy with traffic intersections? I used to be able to sit in the passenger seat and be OK, but the other day, I started sweating and freaking out. So much was going on. Loads of pedestrians, bicycles, cars, and I don’t remember a bus but it wouldn’t surprise me if one was around. It was just too much.

Disney is going to be interesting next week. I guess the best I can do is make sure I am on top of things with my medication and remember to breathe.

five
I don’t like being in the kitchen to cook or fix my plate if other people are in there. Everyone gets in my way and I want to be free to move around as I please to satisfy my weird food quirks in peace.

I feel the same way about buffets. It’s part of the reason I rarely schedule buffet meals at Disney World anymore. The kids take forever to decide and their parents take so long to put the food, and also kids are little and easy to trip over (not a good idea with a plate full of hot food). I like all-you-can-eat options, which is why we tend to go for the “family style” restaurants, where they bring platters of food to you, and you can request refills on whatever you like.

six
I tend to wait until the last minute to pack for trips or vacations. I think it’s because I am so superstitious, I worry about things falling through. It’s weird, I know. But I guess the thought of having to unpack stuff depresses me more than rushing at the last minute to make sure I don’t forget all the stuff I need.

seven
Piggy backing off #6, I’ve inherited more of my grandmother’s superstitiousness than I thought. Hers was way more traditional, like, don’t use scissors on Sunday or the devil will get you. Or don’t throw hair away because a bird will make a nest with it and give you a headache. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe those aren’t so traditional? Although I think the scissors one was based on not working on Sundays and keeping them holy. My superstitions are based more on really random things. That I’m too superstitious about to even mention here.

I used to think I was smart, bucking them by loving Friday the 13th, and by owning a black cat. But I guess some things like got hardwired whether I wanted them to or not.

eight
Notebooks, pens, and bags are my weakness. I even have a bag from The Strand that looks like a composition notebook. And it’s filled with notebooks.

nine
Sometimes I get irrationally angry when I have to use the bathroom.
What? I can almost always think of something better I’d rather be doing!

ten
I love learning about writing craft. I mean, really love it. I read craft websites all the time. I try to apply the things I’ve learned to my own writing. It’s interesting to see which things are timeless, which only apply to certain things, and which are pretty useless. I enjoy learning so much, but I don’t know if I should pursue that MFA. The thought of graduate school has been in the back of my mind for years and always gets louder whenever it’s “copyedit the Loyola program sheets” time, but I have a lot lot lot of thinking to do before even considering it. I just want to be amazing writer who crafts amazing stories. So I have to think. And think. And think.

Ok then, that’s ten. Next time you hear from me will likely be a Disney trip report! Only one week till I’m there! So excited!

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mornings feel weird.

Grounds at Cawdor Castle

I tend to have a really hard time falling asleep at night. Unless I’m completely exhausted–mentally and physically–or unless I’ve had a sleep aid. I toss and turn, my mind runs a million ways, and my bladder wakes up big time. (My bladder is already active as it is, but at night she’s often out of control.)

Screen Shot 2016-07-13 at 10.37.45 AM

I don’t get up for work until about 845am. (I start at 9 and I work from home, so I can get away with such things.) Most mornings I wake up before my alarm, but this morning, the alarm woke me up. I thought, since I’d gotten so much sleep the night before, I’d be ready to take on the day. But no. Not really.

Mornings almost always feel weird and hard for me. Even if I sleep for 9–10 hours, my body feels heavy and my brain feels super foggy. I drag myself out of bed and pull on pants and a tank top because I feel like I have to (there’s something icky about working in pajamas to me, unless it’s my writing). I brush my teeth, and trudge into the living room to log into work, and the whole time I feel like I’m moving through a thick, grey cloud. Sometimes I have to spend some time cleaning up after the cats, and that just adds to the sense of “wtf.”

I started taking this Endorphinate AR. It’s supposed to promote calm, well-being, mental clarity, and give me energy. I can always tell when it starts to kick in, because that heaviness begins to lighten, I feel more focused, and I am ready to start work. And usually it’s great! But some mornings, like today, that and my anti-depressant kicked in at the same time, and now I feel REALLY out of sorts. The rush from the medications has knocked me off balance, so I *still* can’t focus. Which is why I have about 100+ pages to read and I’m writing this entry instead (although to be fair, it *is* lunchtime!). It’s going to be another long work day. Once the 9–5 job is over, I have hours of freelance work to do. Plus some revisions I want to toss into my book—but that will likely move to the back burner for now because I have to put the paying work before the dreaming (praying that this will someday very soon be paying) work, you know? And the next few days are booked solid with paying work.

Plus I have chores to do.

And it’s Adam’s birthday. I want to help him celebrate it.

I’m not ungrateful for these things. Just a bit tired. I’m going to Disney World next month and I worry this fatigue will carry over to my trip. That won’t be good. I have to make sure I eat well while I’m there.

So maybe it’s just that I have a lot on my mind. In general, I don’t get enough rest. I lay awake at night, my mind racing with all the stuff I want to accomplish. And I feel ready to do them *then* but I have to work my 9–5 job, so I make myself go to bed. Eventually I fall asleep, with this mindset that I’ll get a lot of rest and be ready to tackle everything the next day. Work. Freelance. Writing. Family. It takes a while for me to fall asleep unless I am totally done. (Sometimes that’s as late at 4am. Last week I was up until 6am two nights in a row, and then worked a full day both days, plus freelance.)

Then the morning comes. I log into work. I stare blankly at the screen. I copy edit, but read the same words over and over because I don’t trust that I’m seeing properly through my grey, foggy mind. And that to-do list I made the night before? It looks big and daunting and like, there’s no way.

Then oh say, 815pm comes, and my brain and body are like YAASSS LET’S BUST OUT ALL THE THINGS! And then the next thing I know, it’s 1am, my brain is still on high speed mode, so I make my to-do list and try to sleep so I can do all that stuff the next day instead. Since I have to get up early and all. (And I know 845am is not even that early but trust me, it always feels early to this night owl.)

I wake up like, “God granted me another day, with a job and my health. I should be grateful. I am grateful. But I also feel like so much crap. How am I going to make it through?”

(Let the record show that when I wake up on my own though, say around 1030 or 11 or so, mornings are a LOT nicer and I feel way less crappy. Just sayin’.)

I go through this almost every day. And I wonder how people can bounce out of bed on regular non-Disney World days like YAY GOOD MORNING WOO LET’S DO THIS. I wake up wanting to roll over and hop right back on that train to dreamland, since I *finally* made it there and all.

Anyway. Back to work. Till next time….

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currently.

Rose in my neighborhood #rose #flower #spring #chicago

reading.
PETALS ON THE WIND – VC Andrews (reread)
JUST KILL ME – Adam Selzer
THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE – Heidi Heilig

watching.
ONCE UPON A TIME

loving.
ColourPop. Cute makeup that’s cheap!

listening to.
Hamilton
Beyonce
Moby

wearing.
capris
yoga pants
tee-shirts
jean jacket

enjoying.
writing
Netflix

eating.
sandwiches
spaghetti

looking forward to.
Aidan’s arrival June 2
Disney World

drinking.
Vitamin Water

needing.
pain killers
to eat better
to exercise more
to sleep right now

playing.
Township

liking.
the warm weather

feeling.
content

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