anywhere is….

Writing.
Still hiding from the writing world. It’s really, really, really hard for me to see people getting book deals, multiple book deals, great feedback and moving forward while nothing’s happening for me. I can’t write–I get a mental block every time I try, topping out at about 10,000 words before I give up. My ideas fizzle out. I start thinking that it’s going to suck anyway so why bother. And I file the document away. Another failure.

I keep hoping it’ll happen for me one day, but that hope is seriously diminishing, and I think that maybe it might not be in the stars for me. I know I have talent, but the people who pay don’t want to read what I have to write, even if it is good writing. That’s a very depressing thought. Since I’ve been so shielded from that world, I haven’t had to worry about the bitter feelings and things, but sometimes, someone pulls me in, and I see their successes, and I get that bad feeling in the middle of my torso–like in that hollow in my breastbone or whatever–and I just get reminded of how I’m going nowhere. It’s hard to keep going.

I’m really seriously considering giving up on ever being published. I don’t have the kutzpah to try anymore.

Aidan.
You’ve seen my updates on him. 🙂 He’s so smart. “Mommy, look! This is hilarious!” Except, his Ls are Ws, so he says “This is hiwarius!” He’s overwhelming, though. I’m drained at the end of the day, and as you all know, I spend almost every evening with him. He demands a lot, he doesn’t always listen, and I have a hard time getting him to pick up after himself. Raising a child is HARD.

He’s REALLY good at computer games, and memory/concentration type games. I mean, really good. He knows things that most kids don’t know until kindergarten, if I am not mistaken. For example, he knows his left from his right. He knows near and far, short and long. And when he’s not being bratty (which fortunately, isn’t often), he’s very affectionate. He likes to play games and pick the wrong answers on purpose. And there’s this one sound in the Backyardigans game that he knows drives me crazy, and he likes to play it really loudly then laugh at me when I freak out.

Boys.

Work.
We just relocated to a new building. The outside of the building is WEIRD, but the work space is pretty sleek. Too dang COLD for my taste (I need to get an electric heater STAT), but I think it looks very modern and cool. Here’s a picture of where I sit:

Yes, that’s a Barbie lunchbox! Heehee. My United Way one is sticky and gross, so yeah. You can see proofs that I work on, my proofing board, all sorts of things. I like the space–it’s nice and bright. But there is a lot of traffic where I sit which can make it hard to concentrate. Usually I stick on my headphones and get lost in my music, though. And there’s the FREEZING MY BUTT OFF aspect of it. Otherwise, it’s okay, as long as I have plenty of work to do.

Me.
Up until yesterday, I was an emotional wreck. Roller coaster like crazy. But now I feel like ME again, which is a VERY GOOD THING. I don’t like feeling out of control crazy like that.

Preparing for something BIG. Won’t say much more about that for now.

Got my first ever flu shot today!! Oh my. The part I hated was when the nurse was actually injecting the medicine in. I don’t mind the initial prick. I actually rather like it. It’s the other part that sucks. But it’s over. The spot is a little sore, but nothing I can’t handle. And anyway, this is nothing compared to the FLU. Ugh. It’ll be nice not to get it for once.

I’ve been craving Chinese food lately. Beef and snow pea pods, mostly. And rice. Lots of rice. I used to hate Chinese food. I still don’t care for too much of it, so for me to crave it is very strange. Other cravings I’m having:

– Spaghetti w/Eckridge hotdogs (which were buy 1 pack get 2 packs free at Meijer!);
– Japanese Steakhouse (hibachi steak, ginger salad, rice with ginger sauce, bean sprouts);
– Steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, roll with lots of butter;
– Sausage McMuffin w/egg, hashbrown;
– An ice cream soda from Margie’s Candies (or whatever that place in Chicago is called);
– Double chocolatey chunk Rice Krispy treats;
– This:

I should go eat now. Guess which ones on the list I’ll have. Tee hee. ‘Til next time….