anywhere is….

i confess… sometimes i look through old photos and miss some parts of the life i used to have. not the entire life. because life now is pretty darn sweet and there were things going on back then that i do NOT ever want to live through again. here is what i do miss: having the big house, hanging out with certain friends from 2004–2005 (most who no longer speak to me, some due to genuinely falling out of touch, others i suspect purposefully), being a short drive from so many state parks, no sales tax on groceries, and a 6% sales tax overall (so cheap!), marone’s italian villa, el vaquero, le chatelaine, eating bob evans any time i wanted, being able to drive without feeling like i was in a race for my life in the midst of big black suvs driven by backwards-baseball-cap-wearing dudebros or tiny ladies with ponytails (although in ohio, it was all about pick up trucks so i don’t know if that was much better), seeing stars at night, how tiny i was (i was about 105lbs. and i thought i had a fat stomach. pssh. would love to go back to that and stay there).

i confess… that although i miss things about living in columbus, i don’t want to move back there. and there are things i love about chicago. things like moksha yoga, molly’s cupcakes, block 37, butterfly sushi, shopping….

i confess… sometimes i wish my hair was straight. like this:

my last really good relaxer…
back in freaking 2005

but… then i look at my hair on a good day and go “no way, dude. i wouldn’t trade what i have for the world.” it’s just a weird phase i go through from time to time. i am never relaxing my hair again, and i haven’t straightened it since 2011. i don’t even know how long it really is.

look at my hair here!
why would i want to mess with that????
god bless coconut oil.

i confess… i lie awake some nights fretting over dumb ass things i did many years ago. i’m sure the people involved have forgotten all about some of that stuff..or maybe not—it would explain why some of them aren’t speaking to me—but i bet they don’t stay up for hours tossing and turning over that stuff like i still do. i wish i could just cut out those parts of my memories and throw them away forever.

i confess… sometimes i lie awake for hours spinning elaborate daydreams about “my dream life”. my dream life involves way more disney world trips, a warmer climate, a big house, trees, a dog, cats who actually use their litter boxes 100% of the time, a private yoga instructor who comes to my house every day, two walk in closets just for me, a jacuzzi, lots of money… yeah.

i confess… i miss big, huge, christmas celebrations. adam’s just not into christmas like i am, so until i’m around aidan and my mom, i feel very lonely during the holiday season. he just doesn’t understand why i go gung ho with decorations and wrapping gifts and holiday music and the specials. omg the specials. especially how the grinch stole christmas.

hmm, 1983. that means i was nine here.
holy shit. this picture is nearly 30 years old.
but see how happy i am?
cause mommy made christmas special.
she still does. 🙂

now… celebrating thanksmas (yes, we sometimes combine christmas and thanksgiving, what!) with adam’s family is amazing and reminds me of when i was a little girl. they really go out of their way to make it a special double holiday! big meal, yummy desserts, lots of presents, lots of pictures, a big tree… thanksmas is amazing and reminds me a lot of my mom making christmas super special for my sister and me.

family pic from thanksmas 2011

i’ve already started christmas shopping in my brain and by way of making/updating amazon wishlists. 🙂

i confess… sometimes, i think i want to do *real* acting, but i’m terrified. and i think i’m too ugly to be onscreen. and my voice is weird. and my body isn’t a ten. and did i mention i’m terrified? i learned about the auditioning process at a workshop i attended a few weeks ago. that made me even more scared. but i don’t think i have to worry about it because i don’t think i’ll ever get an audition…. oh right, and i am pretty sure i’ve lost all the acting skills i used to have when i was in high school and college. which means taking acting classes. which i doubt i’ll commit to over the winter. jeez. i suck.

i confess… i miss being kinda fearless. i used to write unabashedly. i used to go for it with acting and drama and stuff. now? i’m more likely to talk myself out of everything and hide in my room behind a thick book.

i confess… most of the time, i like it when i have the place to myself while adam’s working a double tour. there are some people who don’t like to be separated from their partners ever ever ever. that’s not me. i think i just like the quiet time to do whatever i want without judgement (real or imagined) or feeling like i’m inconveniencing someone.

i confess… aidan is growing up so fast. he’s already nearly eleven. i remember when i was that age, girls in my class were getting serious boobs. i’m sure he has questions about things. as my friend ryan says, he probably knows a lot more than i think. i know i’m going to have to sit him down and talk to him about really serious stuff, and i’m so nervous. i want to teach him so much. i want him to rise above this rape culture we live in and be a gentleman. respectful. but still cool. right? so how do i even go about that? i am so not ready for those hormones to kick in on him. i am already missing my little boy.

ok, this was sort of long. thank you, those of you who stuck with it and read all of this. i feel a bit lighter now, at any rate.

till next time….