friends

Brokenness/Friendships (Long)

/ christianity, friends, god stuff, life, reflection, religion, ronni

Brokeness? Brokenness? I’m not sure of the proper spelling. Who knows?

Anyway, there is a song we sing in church. One of the verses goes like this:

Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for…

I don’t really remember much of the song at the moment. One thing is for certain–that particular line always stood out in my mind because I never understood why someone would LONG for brokenness. From what I understand, being broken means being miserable. Everything is going wrong. Lives being torn apart. Pain beyond belief. Nothing left. All one can do is cry out to God.

I want to be able to cry out to Him any time. Actually, when I am hurting, I tend to run from God. I hide because I usually feel as if I am being punished and that whatever I did to deserve the bad things means that I’m too bad for God. And I guess in Christianity, that is true and that’s why we have Jesus. Jesus is supposed to be our bridge to God.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine called me a “good Christian.” I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not a good Christian. I’m a Christian because I am so very bad. I need some kind of redemption, and here, God offers it, basically for free. Except… I just can’t be still and accept this gift. I evaluate my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my wants. And I think to myself “I won’t see God in Heaven.” And that scares me.

I try to fathom God’s love for us and I simply can’t. I’ve tried to compare it to what I feel for Aidan. I don’t choose to love him. It’s just there, just as the sun rises every day. Just as the seasons change. It’s just there and I doubt anything Aidan does will take that away. Since I do love him so much, I don’t see myself “breaking” him just to draw him closer to me. Maybe I don’t know what I am talking about because he is only two.

Every year, I learn more and more about myself. Not all of it is good. I feel as if I’m supposed to be a certain way for whatever reasons, but I know there are things about me, ugly things I keep hidden from most everyone I know, that will pick at me for the rest of my life. I don’t like it. And I ask God “Why can’t it just be EASY? Why can’t You take this away? I don’t want this anymore.”

Then I get hurt. Again and again and again. I think of things and I wonder what I did to deserve it. I think of good things and wonder when it will be taken away. I ask God why did He save me from that particular pain, but allow me to feel this one, the one that devastates me. I find it hard to run to Him when I am so angry at him. Then I feel guilty. And now I feel like I just wrote a verse in Mr. Brightside.

But seriously, times have been trying for me. I am so confused. I feel angry at hurt, but on the other hand, glad. It’s October, that time of year for cleansing and pruning, at least for me. I tend to start evaluating my relationships and deciding which people to cut and which people to keep. Almost like sorting clothes in my closet.

This no longer fits me. I’ll get rid of it.
Hmm. I might fit into this one again. Let’s pack it away and try again in a few months. Or years.
I love this!! I’m definitely keeping it.
Wow, I can’t believe I forgot I had this. I need to remember to wear it more often.

I cut people off who no longer fit with me. We all grow and change. Maybe it’s merciless. It’s probably everything Christianity goes against, but I’m not God. I can’t be friends with people who hurt me over and over. I can’t continue to waste my energy investing in people who couldn’t care less about me. It’s amazing that (I’m taught) God chases us, persues us. I can’t do it, though. I have to cut them out for my sake. It’s not as if they care, so it’s good all around. Not to say that it doesn’t hurt. It always hurts. More with some people than with others, but the pain is always there. But in the long run, I start to feel liberated. I no longer have to worry about that situation ever again.

Some people just don’t mesh well with me right now. That’s not to say that won’t change in a few days, months, years. There is one person in particular who used to frustrate the bananas out of me just a few short months ago. Now I adore him times a million and can’t wait to get to know him better.

Then there are those who mean the world to me, those unexpected friendships. The ones that just bloom out of nowhere. Just like the random petunias that pop up in our flower bed from time to time. Petunias are annuals. Chris hasn’t planted them for years. They should not be randomly growing!! But they do, and it’s always a wonderful surprise.

And of course, there are my old friends who I don’t talk to as often as I used to back in the day. Speaking to them is like a breath of fresh air, and I wonder “Why don’t I call him/her more often? Or get on AIM or email? Why is that?”

New friendships. I think the best ones are the unexpected ones. The ones that suddenly happen. It’s hard, though, not to feel lonely here. My best friends all live in different states. I have a lot of friends here, but no girlfriend (in Columbus) who I am really close to. Is this my fault? Do I put up walls to keep people out? I mean, if they’re out there, they can’t hurt me, right?

I feel like I’ve cycled through a LOT of people in the past 18 months or so. Today Chris said “Ronni, not everyone has to be your best friend. And it’s okay for your best friend to live across the country.” That’s easy for him to say, though. He has Craig. They talk all the time and go on trips together and hang out often. I have friends I can call all the time. But I guess I’m still not satisfied yet. When will I be satisfied? Why can’t I be satisfied with the friends I have now, and even the very good local friends I have (like one I hope to start eating lunch with every single Friday from now one–or at least the ones when we get paid HAHA), or that certain brother of mine who has been absolutely loyal to me for nearly a year now… and just give up trying to have a (local) best, best, best friend?

Or maybe I shouldn’t think about it so much and just let things happen. Like that flower.

I guess I just get lonely and I don’t call a lot of people because I worry that I am bothering them. I don’t know. Sometimes, I can’t help but to reach out, though. It’s like a compulsion. I think of someone, I want to contact him/her. I have to curb that urge because it’s burned me too many times. Gifts should be given freely. But when repaid with cruelty, I can’t handle it.

I should go to bed. I could go on all night babbling about junk. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone with this, or made them feel left out. That was not my intention. Just what I’m feeling right now… it’s a lot. I’m scared that God has started “breaking” me. Too many things are crumbling. Too many foundations are cracking. I’m scared that I’m getting sick. Aidan is growing and today is the first time it’s making me want to cry. One day he’s going to be a man. I don’t know if I can handle it. Or if I even want it. But I’m not supposed to fight it.

Good night….

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Tuesday Night (Pictures)

/ church, friends, life, pictures

The Grove! YAY. It was good. It’s Ocktoberfest. They had brats and rootbeer. Yucky to the brats and sauerkraut. YAY to the rootbeer. I’m not a fan but it helped when I was thirsty.

Even better was that I got to spend a LOT of time with my new buddy Jon C. He is out of control, that one. Loads of fun. After the Grove, he and I hung out and talked for a long time. Other people popped in and out as well. Mike B. headed over with his second (?) brat. HA. HA. Check this out:


Think he liked it?

It was especially funny when THIS happened:


SPLAT! Right on the new carpet!!!

He shouldn’t feel bad. Kim’s entire brat went SPLAT to the floor!! Besides, he cleaned it up so well that it warranted a comment from Jon C: You cleaned that up like a girl!

Later, a group of us went to Applebee’s where EVERYONE was out of control. It was interesting, being the only girl in a group of guys when almost ALL of them are fairly good-looking. I ate wings and fries and shared them with Jon R and Jon C. They played great ’90s music. Here is Jon rockin’ it out to Guns N Roses:


Adorable, isn’t he? NO boy should have eyelashes that long. Unless he’s Aidan. 😉

There were a few downer spots, the biggest being that I LOST MY WALLET. 🙁 I didn’t realize it ’til I went to pay at Applebee’s. (Thank GOD Rob covered for me). This is bad. Firstly, it’s a SWEET Mickey Mouse Club wallet, but secondly, everything is in there. Cards, money, license, insurance, gift cards… I’m PRAYING it’s in the church–but the last time I remember seeing it was at the gas station. However, my debit card isn’t in my car, so I know I had the wallet when I left the gas station. I think it fell out of my bag while I was rifling through it for a pen before service started. I am going to go during my lunch break and try to find it. 🙁

I should sleep. I have a longish meeting filled (GRUMBLE) day tomorrow, and I’m working for two; covering for someone who is out of the office until Monday. AND it’s already nearly one. I still need to get a shower. ACK. Time flies when one is having fun, yes?

*sigh*

Later…

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Yummy Sunday! (Pictures)

/ friends, pictures

Had a good Sunday today. 🙂

First, there was church. I did drive separately which ended up working out really well because I spent most of my day with Bizzy. Church, lunch and Max & Ermas with the gang, and then Bizzy came along with Chris, Aidan, and me to the Hocking Hills area. We only went to two places – Cedar Falls, and Old Man’s Cave. Cedar Falls was more like a trickle. Rumor has it that if one goes at the right time, the waters are crazy and rushing. No such things this time, but Old Man’s Cave was pretty neat.

Before I get to the pictures, let me just say that I LOVE giving someone unexpected surprises and seeing their reactions, especially if they’re very appreciative. It makes my day and makes giving so much fun.

And…

PICTURES!

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My Trip!!! (LOTS of PICTURES!)

/ california, disneyland, friends, pictures, vacation, videos

Day One

The flight to Texas was fairly uneventful. Smooth ride. It was really cool flying over Ohio State, though. The stadium looks amazing from up high. Plus, we were at that perfect altitude—one of my favorite parts of flying: when you’re not up so high that nothing is visible but squiggly lines, but not down so low that you know it’s real life. It’s that altitude where everyone looks like toys. Neighborhoods look like dollhouses and toy cars and oh, look at the little baseball diamonds!

I was a bit worried because I’d noticed that my boarding pass for my 2nd flight didn’t have a gate number. Just before we landed, the flight attendant announced the locations of the connecting flights. We arrived at gate C-14 and my flight was to take off at gate C-28. Okay, easy peasy, right? HA! Not so much. We got switched all the way to gate A-25. Have you ever been to the Dallas/Fort Worth Int’l Airport? Um yeah. It’s HUGE. I don’t think I was sitting for more than fifteen minutes when we were moved again, to gate A-9! My arms were killing me by now, but I was excited and in good spirits because heck, I was going to Disneyland that evening!

I got to talk to an older woman from Switzerland. She’d been in the States for nine years. She flew first class. She was funny, heading out to gamble. I also got to talk to a woman from New Orleans. She said her house was under water and that she’d stayed in the hotel across the street from the Superdome. She had a gorgeous little dog with her. She was going to stay with relatives. Her attitude was so amazing, but she kept saying that she didn’t know HOW she felt about everything. I would imagine quite a bit of numbness would ensue at first, that’s for sure. I think of her often.

I landed at Ontario airport about 6:10 PST. Over an hour late. Our plane had been delayed due to mechanical reasons.

Amy (nerdiness) was waiting at the bottom of the escalator and I ran and gave her a big hug. Then we hopped into the car and onto the highway. I had to pee like a racehorse, but I held it until we got to the hotel. Once there, we checked in and Amy got the tickets for Disneyland. Then we went to our rooms, freshened up (ah, bathroom at last!), then headed out. We were parked right next to the parking garage for Disneyland, which is approxiamately ½ mile away from the park. Since we got there so late (about 8:15ish) we didn’t have to pay for parking. We hopped on the tram and made it to Disneyland in no time. We stopped at Downtown Disney. Amy wondered why I wasn’t getting off—I hadn’t realized that the parks were all so close to each other! I finally got it straight, and we got our bags searched and went inside. IT WAS CROWDED! Everyone was filing in to watch the fireworks and Fantasmic! I took as many night shots as I could, and we did a brief sweep of the park, riding the Pooh ride, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and watching the fireworks. A tiny bit of shopping took place too. Of course! 🙂

My first thought was: THIS LOOKS JUST LIKE MAGIC KINGDOM! The only difference was the castle. The Sleeping Beauty castle is a lot smaller than the Cinderella castle, but hey, it’s PINK and therefore no less beautiful.

Exhausted, I came home, posted an entry on LJ and went to sleep.

Day Two

I was up at the ungodly hour of 7:30am. Of course, it was like 10:30am to my Eastern Standard Time mind and body. Nevertheless, I was excited to go. I knew Disneyland had opened at 8, but I wanted a bit of rest and I let Amy sleep while I got ready and played on the computer. We didn’t get to the park until about 9:30am. Promptly ran into Mickey. 🙂 That was cool. He took my arm and we walked together to his greeting post. They never did that kind of thing at Disneyworld! I was shocked to see characters randomly roaming around. In Florida, it’s all so structured and a character roaming the streets alone would totally get swamped!

The crowds were not bad at all. The longest we had to wait for a ride was about an hour for Space Mountain, and forty-five minutes for Indiana Jones. We got through character greet lines fairly quickly. I got to meet rare characters I’d never even dreamed of meeting! The atmosphere is so relaxed there. I liked it a lot, except for when pushy parents would shove their kids in front of others to meet a character instead of having them wait their turn.

Some people say that those who have visited Disneyworld would be disappointed in Disneyland, but that wasn’t the case at all for me. Disneyland has it’s own kind of magic and it was a lot easier to get caught up in it.

I met Aurora (and a really cool cast member named Melanie who I need to write a letter about), and took pictures near and around the castle. Amy and I rode the flying Dumbos (where every trip is a round one!), Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (um, why does he have to go to Hell during it? I closed my eyes during that part, and the room was HOT!). We did some character greets on the way out to California Adventure. I met Cinderella, and ran into the Mad Hatter and Alice too. Mickey and Goofy came along at the top of a trolley. The Mad Hatter went up to the trolley and talked, and Alice skipped away. In between all that, I posed for dorky pictures. Yay for being a dork!


Goofy and I had a lot of fun playing with my Mickey ears. He truly is a goofball.


I can’t get this darn thing out!


YAY!


I love this picture!

California Adventure was okay. I rode the Maliboomer. Basically it’s like Power Tower at Cedar Point—one of those rides that shoots you up. OMG it was so scary!!! And it’s not even as high as Power Tower! We rode the Mulholland Madness, which is a jerky, crazy little coaster. I screamed a lot for no reason. I got on the swings—of course they had a name and it was inside of a giant orange. I rode it twice, got right on with no waiting both times. California Screamin’ was closed down due to the tragedy that had occurred on it back in July.


I’m stuck in the R!


GET ME OUT!!!

I DID get to ride Soarin’ Over California and WOW. How FUN! I can’t even describe it, you just have to ride it. There is one at Disneyworld in Epcot too. I didn’t get to ride it then, so I am so stoked I got to ride the original one. You’re like in a hang glider and just gliding over California; the mountains, the oceans. The wind is blowing in your hair and you can smell the pine trees. TWO THUMBS UP to Soarin’!!

There were a few characters in California Adventure—Max was there, California/Surfer Dude Goofy, and Mulan, who was all alone! Goofy was busy dancing and wasn’t really doing any character greets, and Max was just walking around and chillin’. So after all that excitement, we were pretty much done with California Adventure.

Back to Disneyland we went. Took a few random pictures like this one:

… and then promptly ran into one of Mary Poppins’ penguins. Met the prettiest Ariel ever.

Saw the Evil Queen. That lady is crazy.


Amy: Can she get a picture with you?
Evil Queen: You have to walk with me.
Amy: You’re BEAUTIFUL!
Evil Queen (haughtily): I know.
Ronni (thinking): HAHAHA.

Ate dinner at Buzz Lightyear’s Club. He was doing greets but I was too hungry to wait. I had a cheeseburger and fries. It was as yummy as Cosmic Ray’s Starlight Café at Disneyworld! Watched the parade after I met Ariel. We found a nice spot on the curb an hour before. I had to convince her that it would be worth it, but it didn’t take long. The parade was AWESOME! We had prime seats and we both got great shots. Amy is now hooked on Disney parades. YAY.

Rode Big Thunder Mountain Railroad again. Sweet. Indiana Jones (holy cow, that ride is crazy!), the Matterhorn Bobsleds, and Pinnochio’s something or other. Mad Tea Party at night—AWESOME! Of course we rode SPACE MOUNTAIN too! YEAH!! Space Mountain was awesome, but it broke down while we were on it. Lucky for us, we’d just pulled into the station, so the ride was over for us anyway. What a great way to top off the night, and there was still shopping to do!

And yes I did shop. I’d held back all day so I could go crazy in World of Disney. I didn’t do too badly—mainly because I was feeling cheap, but also because I was conscientious of what would fit into my luggage. I got another toy monorail for Aidan (his other one broke), two little Mickeys and a little Minnie for myself, a magnet for the house, a pin (okay, I got two pins), and a Mickey Mouse Club wallet that matches my messenger bag. By now, both of us were exhausted—Amy was limping like an old woman (I love you, Amy!) and my body was screaming to lie down, so we went back to the hotel. I played on the computer a bit, then went back to bed. Mmm, sleep.

Day Three

We slept in Sunday. I was tired, she was tired. I knew we’d be going into L.A., so I wanted to dress cutely. I wore a new skirt and cami, and carried my cashmere sweater and Prada purse. I dressed to impress—sorta. My cheeks were naturally pink because I was SUNBURNED. Thankfully not enough to look like a lobster, though.

We drove around a bit. Amy showed me her house. She lives right by these gorgeous mountains. Amazing, and she doesn’t even think they’re a big deal. HUH?

We ate Roscoe’s Chicken’n Waffles and yes. YUM. So very yum. I’m craving it now.

There were pictures of the manager with celebrities like ‘Nsync and Pink. There was an autographed picture of Maurice Clarett hanging up.

After Roscoe’s, we went downtown. I called Star (selfstyled) so we could make plans for that night, and she told us how to get to the Hollywood sign. We finally made our way there after a few mishaps. I hadn’t realized it was in a park, with a trail that goes up really close to it, in a scenic sort of way. People ran there, or just picnicked and hung out. Neat.

We drove down Sunset Blvd (you can see the sign from there) and went to the Virgin Megastore to try and spot celebrities. No luck, but I did buy a new CD and Mean Girls on DVD. OH MY GOD. Los Angeles sales tax is a killer! 8.25% or something crazy like that!!! What the heck??? In Ohio, it’s 5.75%. Anyway, we did see look-a-likes as we were driving down Santa Monica Blvd. Possible Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid in an SUV next to us (Amy! LOOK OUT!) in Beverly Hills.

We made it to the Third Street Promenade around 5:55 and we saw Star drive by in her cute car! After lots of phone calls, we finally saw each other (Star: I see you! I see you!) I gave her a huge hug. She was so beautiful! Her hair is gorgeous and she has the cutest voice! We walked around a bit, then went down to the beach. It was so pretty, the sun setting behind us as we posed for pictures. I was stoked to see the ocean, although it was tres calm. We had dinner at a place called Goucho Grill and it was yummy. Although they smothered Star’s food with onions. Poor thing. We are all proud onion-haters. Once she got them off, she seemed to enjoy everything. We talked and had a few drinks and had a good time getting to communicate without typing!!

Star had to leave before 11pm because the garage she was in closed early. We walked her to her car and then she drove us to Amy’s car. Star’s car is super, duper cool! She said “I have Ronni in my car!” and I was all “I’m in Star’s car!!!”

On the way to the hotel, I sent a text message to Kelly (hybridpeach). Then I called her. We made plans to meet at the hotel at 9:30 and then have IHOP. I was excited, having just met Star and now going to meet Kelly and Becky!

Got back, Amy got on my computer, I fell asleep while reading. Apparently, she took a picture of me sleeping with the book still open. Heh.

Day Four

I woke up early again. Darn it. I got ready and everything. Amy kept begging for ten more minutes of sleep. Then seven more minutes. Then twenty more. I finally got her up at about 8:45, telling her that Kelly would be there in 45 minutes. She bounded into action.

Kelly sent me a few text messages as she was on her way and showed up right on time. Pictures don’t do her justice either. And Becky was adorable times infinity.

Amy couldn’t find her wallet so we all searched while Becky gurgled and played. So much fun! I played and played with her. Kelly was a totally easy-going mom. And IHOP was yummy. 🙂 We all had a Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity. Becky had a few strawberries and sweet potatoes, though. I didn’t want to leave Kelly, she is so easy to talk to and very calm. Brandon called her a million times. I wish he’d have been there.

So now it was time to go. Off to the airport we went. I went inside and went through the stuff. Hopped on board, and flew to Texas. Again, I hate that airport. Hate.It. flew to Columbus from Dallas on a little plane that was almost empty. It was so nice and quiet. I went to sleep a few times. Had an entire row to myself. Then I was home. And that’s all. 🙂 The End.

I had a wonderful trip! 🙂 I hope you enjoyed the pictures and my recount. Amy, feel free to add anything in the comments if I forgot something. 🙂

HOLY CRAP I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS PAST WEEKEND EVEN HAPPENED!!!

For those of you who can’t get enough (like me!), here are a couple of video downloads:

Mickey’s Toontown | Click! | 2.9 M
Fireworks Finale | Click! | 22.7 M

I’ll put up a photo album soon. The summer is ending, so it’s about that time anyway. 🙂 LOTS and LOTS more pictures to come! 🙂

Byeeeeeeeeeeee! ºOº

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