Another Saturday night at home all alone. I guess I could pick up the phone to call someone–but it’s already nearing 11pm and I am paralyzed with the fear or rejection. I feel like I’ve driven people away and I’m not doing so well with that knowledge. So I busy myself with reading Half Blood Prince (I finally started it this afternoon!) and trying to be creative, somewhat.
I finally updated the layout of my True Image journal. It’d been years and years, so I was ready for a change. Of course, I used a premade layout. No inspiration for creating layouts–that muse packed up and moved out long ago. I don’t mind so much–I want to concentrate my creative efforts on my writing.
Aidan is gone for two weeks. This was by far the hardest I’d taken leaving him–he was standing there waving with a huge smile saying “BYE MOMMY! BYE DADDY!” I waved cheerfully, but burst into tears as soon as I was out of Aidan’s sight. It’s getting harder and harder to leave him. He keeps me company. The next two weeks will be difficult for me because I have a feeling I might be entering into a lonely season.
I wasn’t going to update tonight for fear that I’d be too melancholy. But here I am, pecking away on the keyboard because I’m scared if I don’t, my thoughts will take over and I’ll end up feeling even worse. Fixtures in my life are unravelling as I speak, and I am taking a lot harder than I ever wanted or anticipated.
So anyway. I’m going to go back to my reading and hope that my dreams aren’t too weird tonight. I’m up to page 117. Yay.