god stuff

I Think God is Trying to Reclaim Me…

/ god stuff, ronni

Too many instances of Him calling me seem to be taking place. He knows everything in my heart, and He knows how much I need him. I know how much I need Him.

He’s revealing himself to me slowly but surely. Or maybe He’s being extreme about it, but I refuse to see.

He wants his daughter back. I know it. I FEEL it.

All I have to do is accept it. Accept it and be at peace that He is in control and that I can stop worrying about anything and everything. Especially those things.

So what’s holding me back?

Fear.

Stubborness.

Unwillingness to reliquish control.

I decided to do the most tedious of tasks–going through all of my LJ entries and tagging the ones that I felt needed to be tagged. It’s taking a long time, but I’m reading through some of the entries. I seemed so much happier then, so much more blessed. Or more accurately, more appreciative and aware of my blessings. What I wouldn’t give to feel that carefree and happy and full of hope and life and God’s love again. What I wouldn’t give for it to be even more pure, even more laden with good things for Him and from Him.

This phase of depression has already gotten old. I’m tired of the grey haze that seems to cover every aspect of my life, especially the good ones. The same grey haze that turns the bad things extra dark, yet, extra bright, so they’re magnified.

I feel like I am in the middle of a Spiritual Battle. God and Satan are battling it out for my soul. I am torn in the middle, not sure of where to go or who to run to. So I try to rely on myself. HA HAHA. What a mess I’ve made of that!

I need to rely on God. I wish I remembered how. 🙁

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Wow…

/ god stuff

Sometimes, I am blown away by the friends God has put into my life.

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Thank You, Lord.

/ family, friends, god stuff, positivity, reflection

I was going to wait until the end of the year or closer to Christmas to write this out, but I feel like doing it now.

(Edited 12:02pm Sunday 12/12/2004 to add more people!)

Thank You, Lord for my little boy Aidan. His bright smile, his little laugh. The opportunity to raise him and watch him learn and grow. Thank you for allowing me to take care of Your child, for entrusting me with this precious little boy whom I love so dearly.

Thank You, Lord for the sunny days. For Little Lucy who is either in the room with me or snuggled up beside me in bed. For Fi, who is so cute with his bright green eyes, and Gracie, who purrs if you just look at her tenderly.

Thank You, Lord for Kelly P, who catches me on IM late at night and who I share some of the best conversations with. And hugs. 🙂 Thank you for Rob, whose song writing is beyond anyone I know, and who really has no idea how great he is. Thank you for the friendships developing with Emily (yoimemily), Bizzy (otaku_witch), and Becky (magecky413). Thank you for allowing these girls into my life, for giving them the peace to trust me with the deepest parts of their hearts. Thank you for Andy and all his computer geekdom and unconditional love. Thank you for Tyler and his great (smile) taste in music and for being a good conversation partner when we both relax and stop thinking so much of what to talk about. Thank you for Mr. Matt for understanding what it’s like to be sensitive.

Thank You, Lord for Tami and Kim and Tina. They all contribute so much to my life that’s special. Thank you to Charla and Kelly S (itskels). Who else can I IM with and get “drunk” at the same time? I mean, as long as we’re chatting, it’s not technically drinking alone, is it? 😉 Thank you for Garth who is so gentle and kind and who can always sense when things aren’t quite right with me. Thank you for Joshua A. His happiness and smiles are contagious!

Thank You Lord, for Chad and Christy, two people who have dropped everything more than once to come to my aid and not asked for a thing in return. Thank you for Craig, who is amazing beyond words. Thank you for Jennifer, another one who has no idea how wonderful she really is. Thank you for Jen*Jen, who knows everything about me… and likes me anyway.

Thank you for Ivy (swankivy). We’ve been friends for more than seven years; mostly through the internet, and yet I feel so close to her. She’s amazing. Thank you for Amy (hunan), Helen (pixiedash), Star (selfstyled), Ci (starrlyte), and all of my other online friends who know me and have been there for me.

Thank you for Katie (live4himalways) for being my bright, shining star, and who I need to hang out with soon.

Thank You for Chris. You know that we’re going through some stuff now. But he does try, and I often forget to thank him or appreciate him for the things he does for me and for Aidan.

Thank You for my church. Even though I am often at odds with it, and with You, for that matter, something still draws me there. You draw me there.

Lord, most of all, I thank You that You’re not me. Even as I’ve RAGED at you, and still do, you continue to bless me and love me and hold me close to You. Even as I push you away, even as I fight You, You’re still there. I ask myself how could you love someone like me, but you tell me to be still and stop worrying. Just accept Your Grace, accept Your wisdom, and then I will know peace. You are wonderful, You can do this.

Lord, thank you for the many blessings you rain down upon me and my family and my friends. Thank You for being there, for being wonderful. I know I don’t always show it or act like it, but You are always here. And I thank You for that.

with a grateful heart
and a song of praise
with an outstretched arm
i will bless your name
thank you, lord
i just wanna thank you lord
– don moen

I want to see Him, I want to touch Him. I want to feel His presense all around me, enveloping me, suffocating me almost. I am so thirsty for Him, I am longing so much for Him. And yet, I forget that when I get so caught up in life. In now. In things. In actuality, I just want Him.

I just want God.

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but, God…

/ church, god stuff, life, positivity

This week, our church is hosting it’s annual Christmas “whatchamacallit” (they actually say that) and the title is “but, God…” The two most beautiful words in the English language, right? Definitely a “devine but” (yes, they actually said that too). Usually, “but” followed by something means negativity. But in this case, it means something good came out of something sucky because of God.

Last week, I crashed big time. I don’t know if it was the higher dosage in the medication, or just circumstances, or maybe a combination of both. I crashed and I wanted it to be over. But God (heehee) showed me reasons why it’s not time yet. Firstly, there is Aidan. He gives me so much joy. I live to see that child smile. He’s special and precious and wonderful and amazing and funny as all bananas. Then there were my friends. The ones who took the time to email me, IM me, talk to me. The ones who were right there, praying for me, thinking of me, sending me hugs from thousands of miles away. The ones who tell me they need to hang out with me. Little Lucy, my kitty who cuddles with me every night and watches me type away on this laptop every night before I go to bed. How could I want to leave this?

God gives me gentle reminders of things I’ll miss out on if I were to leave this earth before He was ready. Little, silly things. Like Christmas. What’s in my stocking? I want to know! Aidan at age 5. That’s a biggie, but there it is. What new music will come out next year? What will happen next week on The O.C. Just little things to look forward to, little reasons to keep going. When I focus on those, I forget the overwhelming big picture and I stop freaking out so much.

So, that’s my “But God” story. For now, anyway. I’m interested to see this program. I’m not sure which show I will go to–there are plenty to choose from! 🙂 I’m looking forward to it. Good night.

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