life

Insomnia and Hunger

/ life

So yeah. It’s on the upward swing of 1am. Chris is in the other room snoring away (for the LAST NIGHT, his machine comes in the morning!), and I’m HUNGRIER than 10 thousand mother–never mind. I ate 1/2 of a pickle and some Sun Chips, but I’m thinking I need a full meal. Like, a turkey sammich and Sun Chips, a pickle and a granola bar. Lord, I’d never get to sleep then. Did I mention that I can’t sleep? My mind is clicking and my fingers are itching. I want to stay up and write. But I can’t. I have to go to bed. Duty calls. Grrrr. Then there is small group afterwards. That part will be fun. And I have counseling tomorrow. I made myself this huge lunch and now I can’t wait for lunchtime tomorrow. THAT, my friends, is sad.

…

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I Can’t Believe The Weekend Is Already Over

/ life, meme, reflection, weekend

I was thinking too much in the car today. We were on our way to Target, where I was going to get some “do-rags” for my hair. Of course, I completely forgot, so I get to go back another time. See, my hair is out of control bad lately, so I need something to cover it up when those bad hair days hit. I noticed that Ivy wears them a lot and she looks so cute in them. So, I need to get some for me. They shouldn’t be too expensive, right?

Anyway, on the way to Target, I saw some women drive by in a Mercedes. They had that “rich” look. You know, perfect, slick shiny hair, evenly tanned skin, perfect makeup. And I thought to myself “I want to look rich.” Then I was confused. I’m also a wannabe hippie. Or candyraver. How can all of these MEs reconcile? There is the wannabe rich me. The one who wants to have that polished look. The one who wants to wear Tiffany jewelry, carry designer purses, and wear Uggs. The one who wants to drive a silver Audi TT roadster, eat in fancy restaurants, and travel all over. Then there is the hippie/alternative/whimsical me. The one who wants to wear do-rags and have 2 ponytails and glittery cheeks and wear long skirts and pink Chuck Taylors. Or no shoes at all. The one who wants to (legally) smoke weed (why don’t they just legalise the stuff, seriously?) after a long day of mommying and working. Then there is the tech geek me. The one who is OBSESSED with electronics–the newer and shinier the better. The one who feels empty without some contact with a computer at least once a day. There is the Christian me, the one who wants to love Jesus with all of her heart and soul. But then there is the potty-mouthed me, the one who longs to type out sh*tmotherf*ckerf*cksh*t WITHOUT the stars. Honestly, I know people are complex, but isn’t this going a bit far? I can’t be a rich-looking lady and a hippe-looking lady at the same time. It’s just not possible. At least, I don’t think it is. And I can’t be a good Christian with that kind of mouth, can I? I’m so torn. Sometimes, I want to let the cusswords FLY and I stop myself. Or I make up other silly words to replace it. Words like plip and stuff like that. So, now what? Do I have to choose? Is it possible that I can be all of those?

I am struggling to be myself. To FIND myself. I will be 30 (I can’t believe I’m admitting this) in a little over 2 months, and I’m having an identity crisis. Sad, isn’t it? I think it’s because where I am, I’m not sure if that is where I want to be. Right now, I’m a mom, a wife, a secretary. I’m not okay with one of those things. Can you figure out which? 😉

19 Questions

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Meh.

/ friends, life

I just ate dinner and dessert. I was also bad and had a Capri-Sun. Dang it, I’m tired of water all the time. I’ve drank–I don’t even know how much water I’ve drank over the past seven or eight days. It’s been insane. Lots and lots of water. I like drinking it during work, though. It’s easy to do and it tastes yummy there. But at home, I just want ONE cup of punch or Kool-Aid or something. I’m CRAVING sweet drinks, you have no clue. Bah.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow evening. Chris is taking Aidan shopping, so that means freedom for me. Not sure what I will do. Sleep? Write? Catch up on email? Immerse myself in The Sims 2? Call up some girlfriends and hang out or something? Shop (all by myself?) Play Scrabble against that destestable Maven? Hmmm. The possibilities!

(I SHOULD write. In fact, I will not allow myself to do anything fun unless I write at least 3-5 pages tomorrow. Let me tell you why this is sad. Writing IS fun to me. I love it. But it’s also very hard work. Don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s easy. If they do, then they’re telling you a BIG FAT BALD-HEADED GREASY LIE.)

I just remember two cool things from Tuesday night. After The Grove, this guy named Brandon put his hat on me. It was this sweet fedora. I looked awesome in it. I got so many compliments, and two people told me I looked like Paula Abdul. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard that. Believe me when I say that being told I look like her does not make me sad. I don’t think I do (look like Paula Abdul), by the way. But it’s still nice to hear.

Then, at Steak N Shake, Tami told me that she wished I’d called her and told her about my kidney stone, because she would have dropped everything and come over to help me out. Is that an awesome friend or what?

Work should be fairly easy. My TO DO list is done! I just need to update some attendance records. The staff meeting for tomorrow was cancelled (HOORAY!), so I don’t have that to worry about. And I packed my lunch. That yummy turkey and that yummy bread and SUN CHIPS, baby. Mmmhmmm. Lots of candy too. I can’t get enough of Twix and 3 Musketeers lately for some reason. Man, I love chocolate. Speaking of chocolate, here is reason number 34872334 why Tyler is weird: He doesn’t like candy or cherries. WTH?

Okay, okay. Lots of people don’t like candy. But cherries? akjfklafjdkld!!!

Mmm, yes. I should go to bed now and quit being a silly butt. Good night!

Edited to Add: I can hear Chris’s snoring all the way in here. For those of you who have been to my house, you’ll know that’s kind of sad. I can’t wait til Tuesday, when his sleep apnea fixing machine arrives.

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Overwhelmed, and not in a good way this time. :(

/ life, sad, to do

*WARNING – whiny, complaining rant ahead*

Folks, I’m just plain weary. Of what, you may ask? I have the perfect life, right? A husband, beautiful son, two computers, my own car. I have a full time job, lots of clothing, tons of friends, a great church. So what do I have to be complaining about?

Well, right now, Aidan is crying because he wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep. It’s already nearly 10pm. I lay with him for 40 minutes already. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Work. Crappity crappity CRAP. Work where I will get chewed out for taking too much time off. Well SORRY that I had a kidney stone and there was no sitter to watch Aidan on Friday. Boo hiss. Work where I have to do the most stupid tasks over and over and then get chastised for not being more “proactive.” You know the reason I’m not “proactive?” Because I DON’T WANT MORE meetings to set up, conference rooms to find, meetings to take minutes in. I just don’t. I know there are crappy parts to every job and that I need to just shut up and do it like a big girl, but I’m so weary. I want something that will challenge me in a FUN way. Something that will cause me to be creative.

I know we’re not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but I get resentful when I think of people much younger than I am doing jobs they LOVE and making twice as much money as I do. Yes, I know, God has me in my current position for a good reason, but I’m human, not godly. So I’m going to be bitter and jealous sometimes. Besides, if I got a job I liked, I’d probably do something to %$#! it up anyway since I have it ingrained in me that I don’t deserve to ever be happy. So even if something good does happen, I find a way to screw it up.

Not only this, but again, it’s nearly 10pm (at the time of this sentence). I’ve basically been a single mom all weekend. Chris ran off to Chicago with Craig and Abe to watch a stupid Ohio State football game. Thank GOD for friends like Christy and Chad who had me over to their home yesterday and today to share the load of Aidan and also to keep me from being lonely. Loneliness. I don’t even want to get into that. 🙁 I’m worn out, even with all of their help. The condition of the family room leaves something to be desired. Cheeze-Its and poop is all over the floor, not to mention the other stains from various leaky sippy cups and whatnot. Yes, my son dumped a whole box of Cheeze-Its on the floor, and when I was upstairs getting the vaccuum, he decided to take off his diaper and poop. On the carpet. I cleaned it up best I could and sprayed carpet stuff all over it, but I think I’m going to have to rent a steam cleaner or something to take care of that carpet. The house had a bad smell all weekend, I have to feed the cats, and my back hurts. I ate Chinese food for dinner (huge thank you to Chad and Christy for treating me to dinner TWO nights in a row), and now I am on my way to having heartburn or something. Chris neglected to tell me that there was wet laundry in the washer. Bad smell #1. The trash. Bad smell #2. The dishes. Bad smell #3. I think they all have been taken care of now, but there is still so much to do (preferably BEFORE I go to Vegas):

– My laundry.
– Clean family room.
– Call Mommy.
– Spend time with KT_P (live4himalways).
– Catch up on 27 emails.
– Get ministry application to Joshua.
– WRITE.
– Research agents and editors.
– Final readthrough/nitpicking session of novel.
– Figure out finances because Chris’s mom is getting tired of watching Aidan all the time and we need another sitter; one who we’ll have to pay.
– Refine/prune Tuesday night life group member list.
– Upload up to 3 new photo albums.
– Balance checkbook.

I’m also sad about The Grove on Tuesday. I don’t think I’m going to go. I was all excited because Chris had said he was going to work early that day. Well, turns out we have no sitter again. He will work his normal 12-9pm shift. So I will have Aidan. That means that I will get N-O-T-H-I-N-G out of the service, so there is absolutely no point in me going. Grrr. 🙁

My back is hurting again. I’ve missed 2 chiro adjustments, so I wonder if that’s why. I’m not looking forward to the long drive tomorrow morning, but oh well. Whatever. I do know that 8 minutes of traction is too much, so I’m dropping down to 6 for the next couple of times, I think.

Ivy is gone. The work week is starting. And I have so much to do and stupid me is being counterproductive by updating my live journal instead of tackling my list. I guess I just needed to write.

And now I feel guilty because I let Aidan cry himself to sleep. 🙁 I feel like a horrible mommy right now. I truly hate myself sometimes often.

Crap, I have to plug in my laptop. I’m sure it’s died by now. Bugger.

Night…

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