I tend to have a really hard time falling asleep at night. Unless I’m completely exhausted–mentally and physically–or unless I’ve had a sleep aid. I toss and turn, my mind runs a million ways, and my bladder wakes up big time. (My bladder is already active as it is, but at night she’s often out of control.)
I don’t get up for work until about 845am. (I start at 9 and I work from home, so I can get away with such things.) Most mornings I wake up before my alarm, but this morning, the alarm woke me up. I thought, since I’d gotten so much sleep the night before, I’d be ready to take on the day. But no. Not really.
Mornings almost always feel weird and hard for me. Even if I sleep for 9–10 hours, my body feels heavy and my brain feels super foggy. I drag myself out of bed and pull on pants and a tank top because I feel like I have to (there’s something icky about working in pajamas to me, unless it’s my writing). I brush my teeth, and trudge into the living room to log into work, and the whole time I feel like I’m moving through a thick, grey cloud. Sometimes I have to spend some time cleaning up after the cats, and that just adds to the sense of “wtf.”
I started taking this Endorphinate AR. It’s supposed to promote calm, well-being, mental clarity, and give me energy. I can always tell when it starts to kick in, because that heaviness begins to lighten, I feel more focused, and I am ready to start work. And usually it’s great! But some mornings, like today, that and my anti-depressant kicked in at the same time, and now I feel REALLY out of sorts. The rush from the medications has knocked me off balance, so I *still* can’t focus. Which is why I have about 100+ pages to read and I’m writing this entry instead (although to be fair, it *is* lunchtime!). It’s going to be another long work day. Once the 9–5 job is over, I have hours of freelance work to do. Plus some revisions I want to toss into my book—but that will likely move to the back burner for now because I have to put the paying work before the dreaming (praying that this will someday very soon be paying) work, you know? And the next few days are booked solid with paying work.
Plus I have chores to do.
And it’s Adam’s birthday. I want to help him celebrate it.
I’m not ungrateful for these things. Just a bit tired. I’m going to Disney World next month and I worry this fatigue will carry over to my trip. That won’t be good. I have to make sure I eat well while I’m there.
So maybe it’s just that I have a lot on my mind. In general, I don’t get enough rest. I lay awake at night, my mind racing with all the stuff I want to accomplish. And I feel ready to do them *then* but I have to work my 9–5 job, so I make myself go to bed. Eventually I fall asleep, with this mindset that I’ll get a lot of rest and be ready to tackle everything the next day. Work. Freelance. Writing. Family. It takes a while for me to fall asleep unless I am totally done. (Sometimes that’s as late at 4am. Last week I was up until 6am two nights in a row, and then worked a full day both days, plus freelance.)
Then the morning comes. I log into work. I stare blankly at the screen. I copy edit, but read the same words over and over because I don’t trust that I’m seeing properly through my grey, foggy mind. And that to-do list I made the night before? It looks big and daunting and like, there’s no way.
Then oh say, 815pm comes, and my brain and body are like YAASSS LET’S BUST OUT ALL THE THINGS! And then the next thing I know, it’s 1am, my brain is still on high speed mode, so I make my to-do list and try to sleep so I can do all that stuff the next day instead. Since I have to get up early and all. (And I know 845am is not even that early but trust me, it always feels early to this night owl.)
I wake up like, “God granted me another day, with a job and my health. I should be grateful. I am grateful. But I also feel like so much crap. How am I going to make it through?”
(Let the record show that when I wake up on my own though, say around 1030 or 11 or so, mornings are a LOT nicer and I feel way less crappy. Just sayin’.)
I go through this almost every day. And I wonder how people can bounce out of bed on regular non-Disney World days like YAY GOOD MORNING WOO LET’S DO THIS. I wake up wanting to roll over and hop right back on that train to dreamland, since I *finally* made it there and all.
It’s been a long time. I keep doing this. Sorry. The good thing is that I don’t have a huge following knocking down my door demanding updates. The bad thing is that I don’t have a huge following knocking down my door demanding updates.
Yet. *evil grin*
Anyway. You know me. Bullet points and gumdrops, so here’s a quick rundown of what I’ve been up to since that amazing time in New York City where I got to talk to Theo James and he talked back to me for 45 seconds.
· planned my 2016 Disney trip! I’m going with my mom, Aidan, my aunt Geneva, and my cousins Janae and Terri. Janae, Terri, and Geneva have not been and Janae (who just became the first person in our family to get a Master’s degree) is beside herself. My mom is super excited to ride Soarin’ again (even though it’s all new), and Aidan and I are excited in general because it’s DISNEY WORLD.
· worked on novel revisions, and got amazing feedback from a few industry professionals. Just waiting on one final sign off before I take next steps. Eeeek!
· started watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix and fell in love with the first season. Having a harder time with Season 2, with this Frankenstein stuff. I want fairy tales, not sci-fi, so we’ll see where it goes. My favorite characters are Regina and Rumple. LOVE them. Especially Regina. Everything about her. The way she speaks and carries herself. Her style, with the black and white crisp suits. Her makeup and hair. Her decor. I live for her episodes.
· which leads me to this point: I think I’m starting to like villains better than the people I’m supposed to be rooting for? I popped in a DVD of the show Popular the other night and was fangirling like crazy over Nicole, when I used to be obsessed with Sam. What is this madness? Truly, I always thought the people who rooted for villains were just doing it to be subversive, but I don’t know. There’s something appealing about the bad guys and their complexities. It started with Snape, then the movie Maleficent where I fell for her too. Interesting.
· saw the movie WAR ON EVERYTHING and loved the villain in that too BUT I suspect that had a lot more to do with the villain being played by Theo James (and the 45+ second shirtless scene of him walking through his mansion) than character study, but then again, I remember being fascinated by his motives and his mental process and what drove him to be the way he was. I mean, you all know I love the man’s acting. He gives his characters such nuance and he did an awesome job in that movie.
Michael Pena, one of the stars of the movie, was at the showing. People were making a big deal. I asked a publicist if Theo was coming and he said no, but he’d tried to get them all. I wonder if it would have been nearly as laid back if Theo was there. I would hope so. He’s not that well known outside of Divergent circles and hardcore fans, which is a shame but which is also nice.
· the biggest thing though was that I WENT ABROAD! I finally left United States soil and went to the United Kingdom, where I spent a lovely week in a Scottish mansion drinking endless cups of tea, hanging with writer friends, listening to gorgeous accents, eating loads of snacks, being cold almost all the time, sleeping in a room fit for a princess, and writing and exploring. It was amazing and I am so proud that I did it. I was so nervous but I did it, and I cannot wait to get back over there.
me in the wall garden at Cawdor Castle, Scotland
Dalvey House, my home for that week
These AMAZING and GORGEOUS people
Where I slept every night. I KNOW RIGHT?
So. Many. Flowers. *heart eyes*
Cawdor Castle
And there are more pictures where those came from! [LINK]
· thought I missed the lilac bloom this year because of Scotland, but nope! They waited for me! And they smell heavenly. 🙂
· preparing for Aidan’s summer vacation! He arrives June 2 and I am so excited. Cannot wait to see that guy. His room is a hot mess. There is one part I will fix up, but the LEGOs all over the floor? Not. Touching.
· finally listened to Hamilton all the way through and I get it. It’s amazing and it gets stuck in my head like RENT. One of these days I’ll see it. Maybe when the demand dies down a bit. That could be ten years, though. :O
And I think that’s all for now. 🙂 Probably the next time I write will be post Disney trip, ha ha. Till next time!
I blog for The THEOlogians, a news site for Theo James, who is my absolute favorite actor. Last week, I got to fly to New York City to attend the World Premiere of The Divergent Series: Allegiant, attend the Red (actually BLACK) Carpet, and was a guest at the after party. Theo is a lead in the movie, and he plays the character Four. In addition, I managed to get a ticket to the AOL Build session featuring Theo James and Shailene Woodley. Below is an account of both experiences!
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I woke up Monday morning, my stomach in knots. I didn’t know what to expect, and I’d never navigated the MTA on my own before, so my main concern was making sure I got there on time without getting lost! Turns out I didn’t even need to worry about that. The trains weren’t running right, so I had to call an Uber. Then traffic was a hot mess. I was very nervous, but I got there in plenty of time.
Check-in was easy. I just showed my confirmation and they let me up to the fourth floor. I was disappointed to see that all the seats in the front and second row were taken. I’d managed to find a seat in the third row, next to one of the employees, and I was OK with that. Much better than the back! I’m short, so the closer to the front the better!
I hadn’t known I could take photos, so I didn’t bring my really good camera. As a result, the image quality on my photos isn’t up to my usual standards. I also hadn’t known I could take video. Turns out that my seat was right next to where they walk in, which was a bonus I did not expect. You may have seen the video on Instagram.
Before they walked in, a guy came in to warm up the crowd. I was enthusiastic and they took note of that, and it came in handy later. The interview was fun and enjoyable. I forgot there were cameras on as Theo and Shailene charmed the interviewer and the audience. When it came time for questions, the AOL employee next to me made sure to flag down the question guy for me. He asked me what my question was, then he had to get approval. Turns out the publicists didn’t like my first question. Luckily, I had another one prepared, and they liked the second question, which is the one I asked on camera.
It was awesome. Very very awesome. To have Theo look right at me, and then talk directly to me was a dream come true. Wow. I’ve only been wanting to meet him for years…YEARS…and even though this wasn’t exactly a meeting, for that moment, he knew I was alive and acknowledged me. Not only that, but I am genuinely curious as to what he will come up as a writer and a producer, and I think (hope) he picked up on that. He’s so smart and funny, I think anything he does will be brilliant.
I floated all the way back to my hotel!
ALLEGIANT PREMIERE
I’m at the Black Carpet! OMG!
Stomach still in knots, I made my way over to the AMC Lincoln Square at about 4:30 p.m. Official check in was 5:45 p.m., but I wanted to get in line early. It was drizzling outside, and one of the guards tried to tell me to go back home because the lobby was too crowded—there was also a My Big Fat Greek Wedding event going on. (HA, fat chance) I found a little hidden niche with some other bloggers and hung with them as we were escorted to a line until time to check in. Talking to them helped calm my nerves and my stomach.
Soon, a representative called us over and handed out envelopes with the movie ticket and after party ticket, as well as a shiny blue wristband that allowed us entrance to the tent and fan pen. My packet was the last in the bunch, so I was nervous until she finally pulled it out! We were allowed to walk on the black carpet and take photos with the posters, but I elected to secure my spot in the front row of the fan pen instead.
Hanging in the Fan Pen with Stacy!
Then we waited. People slowly trickled in, press members, VIPs, the Damn Daniel guys, random celebrities I didn’t recognize, or people I recognized but couldn’t place, and the like. I could see camera flashes outside the door, some people thought it was lightning, but I knew that meant someone cool was coming in. The first actor in was Jeff Daniels, who did an interview and took photos. Then Keiynan Lonsdale came in with his plus one, Jordan Rodrigues, who he’d worked with on Dance Academy. (I had a full on fangirl meltdown at this point, because I am a huge fan of Dance Academy and Jordan Rodrigues played my favorite character!) I gave him a flirty wave as he stood on the carpet, and he gave me a small smile and waved back. Night made and I hadn’t even seen Theo yet.
Bill Skarsgård (Matthew) came in and I snapped photos of him. He came right to the fan pen and took a selfie with me. He was so funny. He’s so tall and his eyes are gorgeous. Nadia Hilker (Nita) spent a lot of time with fans, signing autographs and taking selfies and seemed like she was having a blast.
A photo posted by TheTHEOlogians-Theo James News (@theologiansnet) on
The next several minutes were a blur. The carpet got very crowded. There were loads of children all dressed up. There were lots of press and publicists and family members and friends, and it got loud. I saw Naomi Watts (Evelyn) posing for press, and Divergent author Veronica Roth stopped by the fan pen for a split second. I was next to Stacy from Page Turners (who I’d already known because of all the book events we both attend, and also I won a contest from her years ago), and she and Veronica are friends. Veronica made a regretful face at Stacy before being pulled away by industry folks. I managed to get a selfie with Ansel Elgort (Caleb), and I totally photobombed a photo with Miles Teller (Peter).
Miles Teller & Folks!
Shailene Woodley (Tris) stopped right in front of me but she was distracted by the industry people. I said “Hey girl heyyyy” and she turned around and said “Hey—”. A look of recognition came over her face (she totally remembered me from the AOL Build!) and she said “Hey, how are you?” Then she was whisked away.
A photo posted by TheTHEOlogians-Theo James News (@theologiansnet) on
Theo James (Four/Tobias) didn’t even get to me on the carpet before he was snatched away. I was a bit disappointed—I really wanted to see if he’d remember me from that morning. Once he went past, that was pretty much it. Zoe Kravitz (Christina) was busy chatting with people on the carpet, but I got a couple of nice pictures of her.
A photo posted by TheTHEOlogians-Theo James News (@theologiansnet) on
I TOOK THAT PICTURE!!!
Click here to see more photos from the Allegiant Black Carpet!
Soon after the frenzy of the carpet, they led us out to the theater. There were two theaters—the cast theater and the fan theater. I was in the fan theater. We had assigned seats. They gave us free popcorn and beverages, and the movie score played in the background while we waited for the movie to start.
Movie Time!
I enjoyed the movie! I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I really hoped it’d be better than Insurgent. I thought it was, especially the second half. I was on the edge of my seat, and I was surprised when it was over. I like when I get lost in something like that.
After the movie, fans lined up outside and inside, waiting for the celebrities in the lobby who were heading to their fancy cars. I ran outside and grabbed an Uber to the after party. Traffic was bad, but I got there at a decent time.
They didn’t let us keep the after party ticket. It was so cool, so I’m glad I got a photo. There were different ones. I got Caleb.
The place was huge! There were flashing blue lights, “Allegiant” lights on the walls. Loud music, people milling around, a really amazing coat check (seriously, the coat check was impressive), and the size of the main room went back forever. There were couches in the main room reserved for some of the industry VIPs. There was also a separate VIP section that we could peek in, and a private VIP section where most of the celebrities went as the night went on. I really wanted to go in there. REALLY did. Just to sit down and chill with everyone. But I was glad to be at the party at all.
Theo was already in the VIP section when I got there, so I knew there would be no chance of talking to him. The “Damn Daniel” guys didn’t go into the VIP section at all, they hung out together, enjoying all the yummy food and talking to fans. Pasta, seafood, a cold bar, and yummy desserts were all over. Lots of people walked around with trays of tasty small bites. I couldn’t understand why the people serving the champagne kept swerving away from me—do I really look *that* young? I had to go to the bar to get a drink.
But before I did that, I got to speak with Jordan Rodrigues. He recognized me from the fan pen and maybe even from my tweet—he’d “liked” it earlier that night when I tweeted about seeing him there.
He and I talked about acting and career choices, among other things. He was easy to talk to and very nice. We had a great chat! He told me that it was really nice talking with me, which made me happy. I also got to talk to Keiynan Lonsdale, who is *beautiful* in person. Onscreen doesn’t do him justice. He too was very nice, and he is super tall. Jordan is just right.
Jordan Rodrigues!!
Ray Stevenson (Marcus) stayed out in the regular part of the party, but he didn’t talk to anyone except people he knew. I got to chat with Veronica Roth about living in Chicago and how crazy it is that we live in the same city but I only get to see her at events like this. (I met her two years ago at the All It Takes Divergent premiere in Los Angeles, but she didn’t remember. Not that I expected her to.) Theo came out once (probably to use the bathroom), and security was all over him. In fact, security saw me spot Theo and whisked him (he seemed confused) in the other direction. How rude.
There was a photo booth, so Erin of Once Upon a Twilight and I got in and posed all cute and stuff. Then we mainly people watched, munched on good food, chatted with Lauren and Michael from The Young Folks, and had a really good time. We danced, too. It was a party, after all! So why not dance?
Too soon, the night was over. I sat and watched some of the celebs leave, only because I am nosy like that. Ansel left with a big group, holding hands with his gorgeous girlfriend. I yelled “Happy Birthday” to him and he gave me a smile. Theo left with a big group of people, surrounded by security. It was like a kindergarten class: “Now everyone hold hands so no one gets separated.” I headed back to my hotel then, ready to sleep for a million years, but the adrenaline wouldn’t let me.
Things I Learned:
1. Actors in general are very tall. Most of them towered over me. (Or maybe I’m just very short.)
2. The “red carpet” is not just a time to pose for pictures and look pretty. Those actors are working hard. Taking photos, talking to press, giving fans a thrill, trying to keep up with all the frenzy. I can see how it could be overwhelming.
3. Lots of random people walk the carpet. Producer’s children, plus ones, family members, random celebrities that have nothing to do with the movie just to name a few.
4. Press is everywhere.
5. The carpet is LOUD because there are so many people.
6. No matter where you are, there is always a “better” place you want to be. (Or maybe this is just me.) I was in the fan pen, but I wanted to be important enough to be on the carpet. I was at the party, but I wanted to be important enough to hit the VIP area. Then the super VIP area. And yet, there were people standing out in the freezing rain, wishing they were were I was. Interesting how that works, no? With that said…
I am everlastingly grateful to Lionsgate for giving me the opportunity to experience this taste of Hollywood glamour. It was an intense, amazing, crazy, adrenaline-pumping time and I loved every minute of it. I hope to get to do it again next year!
Hard to believe we’re already into March, and that it’s been almost two months since my last update. Whoops. I have to say that this winter has flown by, and I’m glad. It’s also been super mild. Thank you, El Nino. We had some crazy cold days, but nothing like winters of past. I don’t have to go out a lot, but when I do, it’s nice that the wind isn’t stabbing my face. It’s also nice that I finally own Uggs, and that they feel like warm, fuzzy clouds on my feet.
No excuse really for me not updating here, except that there’s not a whole lot going on. I did go through that extreme exhaustion phase I go through every January, except this year it lasted clear through to almost the end of February. I’ve also been craving and eating meatballs like crazy. I am not sure if the two are related or not.
I’ve been working, writing, playing games on my phone and facebook, listening to music, sleeping, and watching Netflix. I visited my mom at the end of February, and brought almost all of the laundry that I hadn’t done since the last time I visited her in September. I KNOW. Sometimes I fail at #adulting. But now I have a lot of clean clothes and I vow to never go six months without doing laundry again.
(For the record, I’ve said this in the past so take that vow with a grain of salt.)
Visiting Mommy was nice. She’s doing well. We watched The Oscars (finally, Leo, dang), hung out with cousins and aunts, Aidan was there (!), and I got to eat good food. Corky & Lenny’s, Bob Evans, and Mommy made me Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, and corn. Mmmmmm. So yummy. Her kitty cat is so sweet, and visiting Marc’s always makes me happy because yay for snacks I can’t get in Chicago and cheap spaghetti noodles and Tahitian Treat.
It was a nice visit.
On the writing front, I’ve been revising my novel, talking to lots of writerly people, making friends, and well, I’m getting there. In December, I got the news that I’d been accepted into the Writing in the Margins mentorship program. Super exciting. I got my mentor introduction in January and you guys, I adore her. She’s been amazing. It blows my mind that this super successful author is willing to take time to read my novel and work with me to make it the best it can be. I am so lucky and hope one day I can pay it forward. She says 1–2 revisions or so should do it with this novel. It’s crazy that it’s finally nearly done. I definitely did not work this hard on ONLY YOURS, but then again, ONLY YOURS never sold. Or maybe I did work so hard but I just don’t remember. That’s a huge possibility, now that I think about it.
So, I’m dealing with a lot of FEELS in regards to this. I don’t know if I want to go into them here because I need to process them in my own safe space first. Luckily, I have plenty of notebooks and journals such things.
Isn’t it pretty? I get a lot of compliments on it and I wear it everywhere. (The hat, not the face I’m making!) Ha ha. 🙂
This year, I’m making a point to support #ownvoices YA authors, especially authors of color. I thought I could put a limit on the works by mainstream authors that I purchase this year, but well LOL NOPE. Aidan gave me a booklist last weekend and a bunch of them were Dan Brown books. I’m never going to begrudge my child books, so I got him three. And there are some books in series that I already have pre-ordered. But here’s the thing. Buying #ownvoices books by authors of color has been remarkably easy on my budget so far. Not okay. I’m not even going to get started now but I have a lot of feels about that subject too.
*takes deep breath*
So much stuff in the works over here. It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest. But let’s think about it. When am I not overwhelmed?
