Time flies so quickly, and yet it seems to stand still. A paradox? Yes. Let me explain. When I am at work, the days sometimes drag on and on. Today was okay because I had lots to do. But during my down times, the days go slow, and I find myself resenting that time when I could be working on something *I* care about, like my writing (which I’ve been neglecting terribly), my website, or connecting with my friends. When I am looking forward to something, it seems that time trudges to this thing, but then before I know it, it’s here, and then it’s over. Poof. Gone.
My evenings speed by, especially the ones where I spend time with my friends. There are so many people I want to spend time with in any way–emailing, phone, IMing, or in person, and I find myself overwhelmed because there seems to be so little time. I feel like a Sim. You remember how you always wanted to build up the Sims social but they were always too tired and they were spending all day at work? That’s me. Oh yeah. I never have time to play a computer game either, and I sometimes wish I had a few hours to kill playing Roller Coaster Tycoon or The Sims or Zoo Tycoon.
Sometimes, I want to =do things creatively, or journal, and it’s so late that I can’t after I’ve spent time with friends. All because I have to get up for work the next day. And I find myself resentful of the job. (NOT of the friends!)
It’s stupid, really. I am very grateful for my job. It allows me to live as I do, to have fun, to give. I sometimes wish I could spend less time working and more time on ME. I know that won’t ever happen. I need a full time job. I need the money. And so I’ll work and work probably til I am too sick to do it anymore. Retirement? Hah. I can’t even save $100. So, there will be no retirement for me! I guess my deal is that while my job is okay, it’s not really satisfying or fulfilling. And that’s probably what many people say about their jobs, so I know I’m not alone. I’m glad it’s there–I’m grateful for the income. But I wish I could do something I’m passionate about and get paid well for it.
My dream is still to be an author. And I just need to take the time and work on my writing instead of running from it. I get so nervous at what’s out there. The rejections, the publishing world. Putting my baby out there for people to see, read, criticise. It’s scary, and I know I’m hesistating writing my synopsis because I have cold feet. But I have to get over it and do it. If I don’t, then I’ll never become a bestselling author, and I will resent being a secretary for the rest of my life. To realize my dream, I have to work for it. Dear Lord, give me strength to endure…everything on that front.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to do what Hermione did in the 3rd Harry Potter, when she did the time thing. I’d get to find ways to do all the stuff I want to do socially, personally, spiritually.
The last week of August, Chris is taking Aidan and some friends on a “guy’s trip” to the Smokey Mtns in Tennessee. This will give me plenty of time for ME. I won’t know what to do with myself, and all the free time. I hope to spend it relaxing, getting in touch with God, rejuvenating. Also connecting with my friends.
In the meantime, I need to take a shower and go to bed. So… g’night.