I’ve been debating about writing for the past 30 minutes or so. As you can see, I went ahead and broke down, eh?
Today was a meh day.
Ever since the trip to the Smoky Mountains, I’ve been down. My counselor and Chris both say that I’ve been setback. I know why, too. Today in counseling, she told me that I’m in an extremely sensitive time now (as if I needed more of that!) and that I have to take care of myself. I know I haven’t been. I’ve been kicking myself lately. A lot.
I’ve been eating too much and I am getting fat. I swear, I look at least five months pregnant. Not good and must be alleviated NOW. Problem is that I can’t stop eating. It’s almost complusive. How can I go from starving myself to constant pigging out? It’s disgusting.
My half birthday was yesterday. How depressing. I’m freewheeling down that road and I don’t like it at all.
I am finding myself not trusting people I once thought very highly of. I’m expecting the worst of them and as a result, I’ve been distancing myself. Not sure what that’s supposed to accomplish but there you go. It’s not like they’re knocking down the door to talk to me, so yeah. I feel a bit lonely and rejected which is typical. I’m sure it’s no big deal, but you know me.
I keep feeling like no one cares. I feel like people would rather me not be around, that I am annoying, a bother, a drama-queen that everyone puts up with because they don’t have the heart to tell me the truth which is ‘GET THE F— AWAY FROM ME YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWIT’ ’cause they know it’ll make me cry. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for some. They always want more. Work always wants more, more, more. Mothers always want more, more, more. Church wants me to be even more Christian. I feel overwhelmed, and yet, I feel incredibly lonely, used, and unloved. I specifically used the word FEELING because my mind knows better. The logical part of me knows better and urges that sensitive, emotional side of me to look at the real picture, and not the dark dreary one my heart continues to relish in.
Too bad I’m not quite sure of what the real picture is anymore. I feel like I’m looking at the world through a grey haze.
I had a nightmare this morning. In it, I overreacted to something that was really none of my business. Not the first time, not exactly dream-behaviour as I am ashamed to say that I’ve been known to react that way in certain real-life situations as well. *sigh*
Don’t play dead, cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You fuckin’ disappoint me
Maybe we’re better off this way
My allergies are bothering me. My eyes are itching like crazy.
I’m supposed to take Aidan to get his pictures tomorrow but I can’t find the pink slip of paper to give the photographer. So I might skip out and save the $7.50.
My Disney Photopass pictures have expired and I never did get a chance to order a print of Aidan kissing The Little Mermaid. At least I have a lo-res version saved on my harddrive, though.
I have a feeling time is running out on a certain thing but no one cares enough to tell me. I’m scared to ask, because what if they ignore my questions? Then what?
Ack. What is wrong with me? Today, Chris said “She’s broken again!”
Broken. I’m broken. Again.
It’s amazing what one weekend can do to destroy years of hard work and building one’s self up. Do I even have the energy/drive/motivation to try again?
I need to focus on my writing. Maybe I can make at least one of my dreams come true.
Okay, it’s time for some non-complaining stuff.
– When I went to my counselor, I found a parking meter with 2.5 hours left on it. This was cool seeing as last week, I was short on change and only had enough for 40 minutes. My sessions last an hour. I was praying that I wouldn’t get a parking ticket–and I didn’t!
– I had McDonalds for lunch. The cherry pies were hot and yummy and NOT BURNED!
– Traffic wasn’t too horrible.
– I decided to sign up for a cool writing course.
– Payday is in about an hour and a half.
I have six emails to answer. Not bad, huh? I’ve been doing an okay job of managing them, I think.
Working on my writing. Working, working, working.
Eating like a pig. Eating, eating, eating.
One of those must stop. NOW.
*Sigh* I don’t know what I need or want anymore. Spiritually, I mean. Oh my, not even going to go there tonight. It’s way too late and way too involved for me to even start. Especially with my icky itchy watery eyes.
I should go to bed. I have to get gas in the morning which means I have to leave a bit early. Oh God. I’m going to eat like a pig tomorrow, I know it. Lord, help me control myself.