Brokeness? Brokenness? I’m not sure of the proper spelling. Who knows?
Anyway, there is a song we sing in church. One of the verses goes like this:
Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for…
I don’t really remember much of the song at the moment. One thing is for certain–that particular line always stood out in my mind because I never understood why someone would LONG for brokenness. From what I understand, being broken means being miserable. Everything is going wrong. Lives being torn apart. Pain beyond belief. Nothing left. All one can do is cry out to God.
I want to be able to cry out to Him any time. Actually, when I am hurting, I tend to run from God. I hide because I usually feel as if I am being punished and that whatever I did to deserve the bad things means that I’m too bad for God. And I guess in Christianity, that is true and that’s why we have Jesus. Jesus is supposed to be our bridge to God.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine called me a “good Christian.” I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not a good Christian. I’m a Christian because I am so very bad. I need some kind of redemption, and here, God offers it, basically for free. Except… I just can’t be still and accept this gift. I evaluate my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my wants. And I think to myself “I won’t see God in Heaven.” And that scares me.
I try to fathom God’s love for us and I simply can’t. I’ve tried to compare it to what I feel for Aidan. I don’t choose to love him. It’s just there, just as the sun rises every day. Just as the seasons change. It’s just there and I doubt anything Aidan does will take that away. Since I do love him so much, I don’t see myself “breaking” him just to draw him closer to me. Maybe I don’t know what I am talking about because he is only two.
Every year, I learn more and more about myself. Not all of it is good. I feel as if I’m supposed to be a certain way for whatever reasons, but I know there are things about me, ugly things I keep hidden from most everyone I know, that will pick at me for the rest of my life. I don’t like it. And I ask God “Why can’t it just be EASY? Why can’t You take this away? I don’t want this anymore.”
Then I get hurt. Again and again and again. I think of things and I wonder what I did to deserve it. I think of good things and wonder when it will be taken away. I ask God why did He save me from that particular pain, but allow me to feel this one, the one that devastates me. I find it hard to run to Him when I am so angry at him. Then I feel guilty. And now I feel like I just wrote a verse in Mr. Brightside.
But seriously, times have been trying for me. I am so confused. I feel angry at hurt, but on the other hand, glad. It’s October, that time of year for cleansing and pruning, at least for me. I tend to start evaluating my relationships and deciding which people to cut and which people to keep. Almost like sorting clothes in my closet.
This no longer fits me. I’ll get rid of it.
Hmm. I might fit into this one again. Let’s pack it away and try again in a few months. Or years.
I love this!! I’m definitely keeping it.
Wow, I can’t believe I forgot I had this. I need to remember to wear it more often.
I cut people off who no longer fit with me. We all grow and change. Maybe it’s merciless. It’s probably everything Christianity goes against, but I’m not God. I can’t be friends with people who hurt me over and over. I can’t continue to waste my energy investing in people who couldn’t care less about me. It’s amazing that (I’m taught) God chases us, persues us. I can’t do it, though. I have to cut them out for my sake. It’s not as if they care, so it’s good all around. Not to say that it doesn’t hurt. It always hurts. More with some people than with others, but the pain is always there. But in the long run, I start to feel liberated. I no longer have to worry about that situation ever again.
Some people just don’t mesh well with me right now. That’s not to say that won’t change in a few days, months, years. There is one person in particular who used to frustrate the bananas out of me just a few short months ago. Now I adore him times a million and can’t wait to get to know him better.
Then there are those who mean the world to me, those unexpected friendships. The ones that just bloom out of nowhere. Just like the random petunias that pop up in our flower bed from time to time. Petunias are annuals. Chris hasn’t planted them for years. They should not be randomly growing!! But they do, and it’s always a wonderful surprise.
And of course, there are my old friends who I don’t talk to as often as I used to back in the day. Speaking to them is like a breath of fresh air, and I wonder “Why don’t I call him/her more often? Or get on AIM or email? Why is that?”
New friendships. I think the best ones are the unexpected ones. The ones that suddenly happen. It’s hard, though, not to feel lonely here. My best friends all live in different states. I have a lot of friends here, but no girlfriend (in Columbus) who I am really close to. Is this my fault? Do I put up walls to keep people out? I mean, if they’re out there, they can’t hurt me, right?
I feel like I’ve cycled through a LOT of people in the past 18 months or so. Today Chris said “Ronni, not everyone has to be your best friend. And it’s okay for your best friend to live across the country.” That’s easy for him to say, though. He has Craig. They talk all the time and go on trips together and hang out often. I have friends I can call all the time. But I guess I’m still not satisfied yet. When will I be satisfied? Why can’t I be satisfied with the friends I have now, and even the very good local friends I have (like one I hope to start eating lunch with every single Friday from now one–or at least the ones when we get paid HAHA), or that certain brother of mine who has been absolutely loyal to me for nearly a year now… and just give up trying to have a (local) best, best, best friend?
Or maybe I shouldn’t think about it so much and just let things happen. Like that flower.
I guess I just get lonely and I don’t call a lot of people because I worry that I am bothering them. I don’t know. Sometimes, I can’t help but to reach out, though. It’s like a compulsion. I think of someone, I want to contact him/her. I have to curb that urge because it’s burned me too many times. Gifts should be given freely. But when repaid with cruelty, I can’t handle it.
I should go to bed. I could go on all night babbling about junk. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone with this, or made them feel left out. That was not my intention. Just what I’m feeling right now… it’s a lot. I’m scared that God has started “breaking” me. Too many things are crumbling. Too many foundations are cracking. I’m scared that I’m getting sick. Aidan is growing and today is the first time it’s making me want to cry. One day he’s going to be a man. I don’t know if I can handle it. Or if I even want it. But I’m not supposed to fight it.