Once upon a time, I would have let a blow like the one I got last night keep me down for days, weeks, even months. Spiraling down, down, down into blackness.
Once upon a time, I would have retreated completely inside myself, and berated myself forever, listing all the horrible things about myself–repeating them over and over and over–until I really believed I was the worthless “bitch” I called myself.
But today, some of my fighting spirit came back. Is still coming back.
And on top of that, I’m well loved. It’s hard to hide from everyone when people keep pulling you back out. When people care.
Can’t beat that with a stick.
(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)
Today, a four-year old told me that when he had children, he was going to name one of them “Penis.” I tried not to laugh, but then the sitter started cracking up. I couldn’t hold it in. It was the first real laugh I’d had all day.
Today, I either called or wrote letters to my many creditors and closed all the accounts. I know this will be a major ding on my credit report, but you know what? Getting behind on my bills would have been bad too. My MBNA payment was going up every month. I will mail all the letters out tomorrow. I feel FREE because now I cannot accumulate anymore debt. All I’ll be doing is paying it down, and then off. Five years it’ll take, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I also made the choice to take an indefinite break from writing. I’m not writing out anything really good lately, Only Yours is tanking big time (the publishers all hate it) and Crush… well, I don’t want to talk about it. So I can’t handle it anymore, and I’m stepping back. WAY back. And working on other things. Like maybe getting back into scrapbooking for a bit. Letter writing. Slams (yay verytruly & dararachel)…ANYTHING but novel writing.
I can’t wait to get this DMP squared away. All the paperwork is driving me insane! I think I’ll feel much better once things are handled with that. Then I can start saving money. And maybe I can go to Chicago in February as planned with no worries. I really don’t want to miss Jen’s 30th birthday.
One thing at a time. *breathe breathe breathe*
I’m thinking of selling my guitar. Anyone want a Fender D8? I’ll throw in a soft case, extra strings, and a couple of books as well. Best offer, plus shipping. Local pick-up preferred, though. I also have a 17 inch CRT flat screen monitor that’s just collecting dust…..
‘Til next time….