Raw and Real

WARNING: Venting Ahead. Proceed at your own risk!!

I Am Not Amused

I am typically pretty positive on my blog. I *try* to be a positive person. Aadil Palkhivala says to “look for the gold” so that I won’t be focusing on the dirt around me. It was the MAIN thing I took from the workshop I had with him in September of last year, and it’s how I’ve been trying to live my life since then.

It’s not easy. I am, by nature, pessimistic and negative. I think it has to do with the fact that I grew up in innercity Cleveland, land of cynicism and angst. I’d say something cheesy like “I saw a rainbow last night” and someone would say “OMG STFU.” Everything I liked was grounds to be made fun of. and I was so wishy washy. I didn’t want to be made fun of so I’d pretend to like the things they did. Or I’d hide the stuff I really liked. (I didn’t hide my love for New Kids on the Block and I caught hell for it. To this day, the fact that fandoms exist for everything and there are theoretically safe spaces for me to go and explore things I’m interested in still kind of blows my mind.) So, I had to act more cynical and bitter than I really felt, and eventually a lot of it just became a part of ME. Medication helps with that, though, and yoga. And Aadil’s advice of looking for the gold. Also, setting boundaries and keeping myself distanced from people who are super negative helps as well.

But sometimes, despite all that, I just have to be mad. I just have to be raw, I just have to be real. I’ve kept this blog so sweet the past few years…and I’m ready for it to be more ME, you know?

It doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into a rant dump or anything like that. But I am going to stop hiding all the not-so-sweet-and-pretty things all the time.

Anyway.

Y’all. This week has gotten on my last nerve! I guess it started Saturday, when I was taking down my holiday decorations (which already had me in an off mood), and Aidan was insistently asking me a question about the theory of evolution (don’t even ask). I was so focused on answering him that I ended up dropping one of my Mickey Mouse ornaments.

Mickey ornament casualty. :(

As you can see, it shattered. :( It’s not that big of a loss I suppose–I mean, I have a whole set. Two more reds, two more greens, and one more silver. And at least it wasn’t my banana ornament, right?

Then Sunday, Aidan flew back to Ohio. Thank God he was in a good mood or else it would have been terrible. HIS mood always determines my mood and if he cries, it’s all over for me. But the fact is that well, he’s in Ohio now and not here with me and that sucks.

I started playing LEGO Harry Potter on the Wii Monday. I was doing awesomely until I got to the Riddle’s Diary section in Year 2. It’s a damned timed puzzle and I’m just not coordinated enough with the remotes to solve the puzzle before the strength potion runs out. After hours of trying, I just turned the game off. It took everything in me to not throw the remote at the screen and burst into tears. I know, what am I, 8 years old instead of 38 years old? Pathetic.

Either I need Adam to do the second player for me so I can get the timing right, or I’ll need Aidan to beat that level for me when he comes back next month. OR I can waste more hours trying, except I have a butt load of you know, GROWN UP stuff to do instead. Like preparing my thesis workshop which is next Saturday. Or preparing for my two-day therapeutic yoga orientation which starts this evening. An apprenticeship I am simultaneously looking forward to and also wanting to just be over and done with. I’ve noticed that anytime I jump into something with that kind of apprehension (teacher training*cough) it ends up being an amazing experience. So I’m sure this will be the same. Still nervous, though.

I had acupuncture on Monday and that was OK. I didn’t do anything Tuesday but get my ass kicked by that game. OH I almost forgot. I got to be super, super, super annoyed by Disney! I KNOW RIGHT? But the balance was coming due for our February Disney World trip and I just wanted to pay it. Online, it said “If your billing address is different from what we have on file, Disney will reject your payment! HEEHEEE!” So I called and the line was busy. I left a message but I missed the callback. Fortunately, they left ME a message and told me that my account was notated and an online payment would be fine. So I did that and got the confirmation that all was well. But I was already so frustrated that I couldn’t even be happy that Disney was signed, sealed, and delivered and now all that’s left is the waiting. I tried to go ahead and make the rest of our dining reservations and also add the ones we already had to the My Disney online thingy. BUT THEIR SITE WAS NOT ACTING RIGHT. Server kept getting overloaded, site kept crashing. THEN I checked further details on one reservation and at the bottom, in big block letters were the words:

YOUR RESERVATION HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

What the fresh, everlasting hell??? I did NOT cancel anything so what was going on? So we finally called and got it all straightened out and also got my other reservations made. See, as much as I used to love the phone when I was a teenager, I really don’t like it now. I’d much rather do it online and not have to talk to anyone. I don’t even like ordering food on the phone.

On Wednesday I saw my doctor and that was OK. She’s really a great doctor. Wonderful bedside manner, friendly, and warm. Gives the impression that she really cares about her patients. I’ve been seeing her since 2008; followed her through three different offices. Now she has her own practice.

At the doctor, I got blood drawn and got a flu shot. My blood sugar plummeted and my bladder filled to bursting (I needed to drink a lot of water to get my veins popping for the blood draw.) The traffic had built up and the lights were being obnoxious and I had to PEE. That is NO FUN. To have to pee like that and to be stuck? THEN we finally got to a Target (where I needed to shop anyway) and the restroom was CLOSED. I just threw my hands up. But then I went back and the maintenance guy waved me in, so I guess he was just waiting for the poopy people in there to get out before he went in to clean. So even though I had to smell those random poopy people, I didn’t care. I just had to peeeeee.

We had a tasty dinner at Arturo’s, then I came home and went to bed pretty much right away. I spent basically all day yesterday sleeping, all night sleeping, and could crawl back into bed right now. But I won’t because I need to clean my room. I still haven’t unpacked from my trip to see Mommy over Christmas.

I am frustrated because I’m so tired of being cold. I lost my Foursquare mayorships at BOTH Moksha Yoga Studios because I’m so tired of going outside and feeling like the cold is stabbing me like knives. It’s NOT EVEN THAT COLD. It’s 49F outside right now but the mere thought of going out there makes me want to crawl back into bed because I know it’s going to be miserable for me. If I don’t have to go anywhere, I don’t. I stay home and huddle under the electric blanket or throw, trying to keep warm.

But I know that things aren’t terrible for me. My mind knows this, logically. I mean, I’m whining because I’m having trouble on a level in a Wii game for God’s sake. And the week wasn’t all bad. I got Aidan a little Valentine’s Day surprise which I think he’ll like. Arturo’s was SO good and they put fresh avocado on my tostado which is nice because I was craving fresh avocado. I got to eat at Pops, which is something that takes the sting out of taking Aidan to the airport, as that’s our treat when we do have to take him. The lady at the ticketing counter let Adam go with Aidan and me to the gate which rarely happens anymore. And as I said, Aidan was in a good mood when he got on the plane.

I got really cool new socks and arm warmers, and I’m expecting some AMAZING leggings in the mail. I also got a check today. I just caught up with an old yogi friend and we’re going to have brunch on Monday. Adam put gas in the car so I can drive up to the other Moksha Yoga later this evening for orientation which PRAISES BE TO BABY JESUS will include a yoga practice. I got two new pairs of boots for under $60 total and they were delivered today. And I’ll get to see some teacher trainee classmates who I haven’t seen in more than a month.

*Sigh* Now I feel better. My meds have finally kicked in, and I’m feeling more mellow overall.

Sometimes, a girl just has to vent. A girl also has to keep up with her medication or she’ll be a hot mess otherwise. Oh well. C’est la vie.

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