reflection

Thank You, Lord.

/ family, friends, god stuff, positivity, reflection

I was going to wait until the end of the year or closer to Christmas to write this out, but I feel like doing it now.

(Edited 12:02pm Sunday 12/12/2004 to add more people!)

Thank You, Lord for my little boy Aidan. His bright smile, his little laugh. The opportunity to raise him and watch him learn and grow. Thank you for allowing me to take care of Your child, for entrusting me with this precious little boy whom I love so dearly.

Thank You, Lord for the sunny days. For Little Lucy who is either in the room with me or snuggled up beside me in bed. For Fi, who is so cute with his bright green eyes, and Gracie, who purrs if you just look at her tenderly.

Thank You, Lord for Kelly P, who catches me on IM late at night and who I share some of the best conversations with. And hugs. 🙂 Thank you for Rob, whose song writing is beyond anyone I know, and who really has no idea how great he is. Thank you for the friendships developing with Emily (yoimemily), Bizzy (otaku_witch), and Becky (magecky413). Thank you for allowing these girls into my life, for giving them the peace to trust me with the deepest parts of their hearts. Thank you for Andy and all his computer geekdom and unconditional love. Thank you for Tyler and his great (smile) taste in music and for being a good conversation partner when we both relax and stop thinking so much of what to talk about. Thank you for Mr. Matt for understanding what it’s like to be sensitive.

Thank You, Lord for Tami and Kim and Tina. They all contribute so much to my life that’s special. Thank you to Charla and Kelly S (itskels). Who else can I IM with and get “drunk” at the same time? I mean, as long as we’re chatting, it’s not technically drinking alone, is it? 😉 Thank you for Garth who is so gentle and kind and who can always sense when things aren’t quite right with me. Thank you for Joshua A. His happiness and smiles are contagious!

Thank You Lord, for Chad and Christy, two people who have dropped everything more than once to come to my aid and not asked for a thing in return. Thank you for Craig, who is amazing beyond words. Thank you for Jennifer, another one who has no idea how wonderful she really is. Thank you for Jen*Jen, who knows everything about me… and likes me anyway.

Thank you for Ivy (swankivy). We’ve been friends for more than seven years; mostly through the internet, and yet I feel so close to her. She’s amazing. Thank you for Amy (hunan), Helen (pixiedash), Star (selfstyled), Ci (starrlyte), and all of my other online friends who know me and have been there for me.

Thank you for Katie (live4himalways) for being my bright, shining star, and who I need to hang out with soon.

Thank You for Chris. You know that we’re going through some stuff now. But he does try, and I often forget to thank him or appreciate him for the things he does for me and for Aidan.

Thank You for my church. Even though I am often at odds with it, and with You, for that matter, something still draws me there. You draw me there.

Lord, most of all, I thank You that You’re not me. Even as I’ve RAGED at you, and still do, you continue to bless me and love me and hold me close to You. Even as I push you away, even as I fight You, You’re still there. I ask myself how could you love someone like me, but you tell me to be still and stop worrying. Just accept Your Grace, accept Your wisdom, and then I will know peace. You are wonderful, You can do this.

Lord, thank you for the many blessings you rain down upon me and my family and my friends. Thank You for being there, for being wonderful. I know I don’t always show it or act like it, but You are always here. And I thank You for that.

with a grateful heart
and a song of praise
with an outstretched arm
i will bless your name
thank you, lord
i just wanna thank you lord
– don moen

I want to see Him, I want to touch Him. I want to feel His presense all around me, enveloping me, suffocating me almost. I am so thirsty for Him, I am longing so much for Him. And yet, I forget that when I get so caught up in life. In now. In things. In actuality, I just want Him.

I just want God.

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Decisions Are The Worst

/ friends, reflection

When forced to choose between the devil you know and the devil you don’t, looks like more people prefer the devil they know.

Rob said it best last night when he said everything he came to on the ballot presented a moral dilemna for him. I must say I agree wholeheartedly. This person says abortion is okay, that person says killing millions of people in a war is okay. Who do I choose when presented with those kinds of choices?

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I Can’t Believe The Weekend Is Already Over

/ life, meme, reflection, weekend

I was thinking too much in the car today. We were on our way to Target, where I was going to get some “do-rags” for my hair. Of course, I completely forgot, so I get to go back another time. See, my hair is out of control bad lately, so I need something to cover it up when those bad hair days hit. I noticed that Ivy wears them a lot and she looks so cute in them. So, I need to get some for me. They shouldn’t be too expensive, right?

Anyway, on the way to Target, I saw some women drive by in a Mercedes. They had that “rich” look. You know, perfect, slick shiny hair, evenly tanned skin, perfect makeup. And I thought to myself “I want to look rich.” Then I was confused. I’m also a wannabe hippie. Or candyraver. How can all of these MEs reconcile? There is the wannabe rich me. The one who wants to have that polished look. The one who wants to wear Tiffany jewelry, carry designer purses, and wear Uggs. The one who wants to drive a silver Audi TT roadster, eat in fancy restaurants, and travel all over. Then there is the hippie/alternative/whimsical me. The one who wants to wear do-rags and have 2 ponytails and glittery cheeks and wear long skirts and pink Chuck Taylors. Or no shoes at all. The one who wants to (legally) smoke weed (why don’t they just legalise the stuff, seriously?) after a long day of mommying and working. Then there is the tech geek me. The one who is OBSESSED with electronics–the newer and shinier the better. The one who feels empty without some contact with a computer at least once a day. There is the Christian me, the one who wants to love Jesus with all of her heart and soul. But then there is the potty-mouthed me, the one who longs to type out sh*tmotherf*ckerf*cksh*t WITHOUT the stars. Honestly, I know people are complex, but isn’t this going a bit far? I can’t be a rich-looking lady and a hippe-looking lady at the same time. It’s just not possible. At least, I don’t think it is. And I can’t be a good Christian with that kind of mouth, can I? I’m so torn. Sometimes, I want to let the cusswords FLY and I stop myself. Or I make up other silly words to replace it. Words like plip and stuff like that. So, now what? Do I have to choose? Is it possible that I can be all of those?

I am struggling to be myself. To FIND myself. I will be 30 (I can’t believe I’m admitting this) in a little over 2 months, and I’m having an identity crisis. Sad, isn’t it? I think it’s because where I am, I’m not sure if that is where I want to be. Right now, I’m a mom, a wife, a secretary. I’m not okay with one of those things. Can you figure out which? 😉

19 Questions

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I Get Lost In My World

/ reflection, ronni

I meant to go to bed about 2 hours ago. As usual, the silence of the house after everyone is asleep sucked me in. I put on my music, get caught up in some project that doesn’t mean anything to anyone but me, and time flies.

This is my element. It’s dark outside. It’s quiet. I’m the only one “alive.” I’m the only one that matters. I don’t have to answer to anyone or entertain anyone. (Although Lord knows I do love to have people over and to entertain). I live for this “me” time. This is where I thrive with my writing. Or do stuff to my website. Or compose songs. I can just be creative and free. This is where I can forget all about work. This is where all the worries melt away. This is my world. And I LOVE it here.

I’ve been a night owl for years now. I think it started during high school. My mom would let me stay up as late as I wanted on the phone with Charla, and she even let me skip school sometimes, as long as I brought home decent grades. (I did. I was on Merit Roll). I fell in *love* with the night time when I was in college, however. I’d stay up until about 4 or 5am writing, then I’d sleep until 3pm. Wake up and get ready for work–from 5pm to midnight. Then I’d start all over. This was my life and it was very good. At least that part was.

Graduating college and working “normal” hours was a very rough adjustment for me. It still is, sometimes. I’d much rather stay up all night than all day. I guess I should really get on my writing so I can do that someday. I can’t think of a better job but to be alone, writing my novels, in the middle of the night, music blasting in Chris’s my headphones (I stole them from him), making my own hours, doing my own thing. And then having people read what *I* write–my stuff, and enjoying it. Poring over it. Loving it.

I have all these dreams. Yet, I am not doing anything do fulfill them at the moment. That is BAD.

I’m so scared of rejection! Or maybe I’m scared of success! Something is holding me back from focusing on my writing, and I know it’s all me. Nothing else. I have the time. I have the ideas, the drive. I just DON’T DO IT and I NEED to get past that.

I think I need to sleep now. It’s Labor Day, which will be pleasantly busy. Jen*Jen is here, and people will be stopping over tomorrow as well. I have work again Tuesday. I get to leave my dreamworld. Again. Back to reality. 🙁

It’s amazing how quickly a 3 day weekend will go…

G’night for real. I think.

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