reflection

Saturday

This might be TMI for you. Heh.

So, yesterday, Aidan had been getting sick all day. Out of both ends. He fell asleep around 8:10pm, and I’d thought he was out for the night. Not so much. Holly and Robert were over and we’d decided to play this game of “so-&-so or so-&-so,” using the names of people from our past–people we’d hung out with or seen when we used to all live together at Harrison House.

ANYWAY, we all got loud and laughing, and that woke poor Aidan. He came downstairs, a little bit cranky, but mellowed out and got super hyper for some reason. He played and jumped and I was sure he was feeling better, even though his fever hadn’t gone completely down yet. Holly and Robert left, and Aidan decided he wanted to cuddle with me. I held him and did some stuff on my laptop, when Aidan coughed and PUKED all over my computer. I put him down and yelled “OH MY GOD AIDAN JUST PUKED ON MY LAPTOP!” I ran to get some paper towels, Aidan ran for the bathroom so he could finish throwing up in the toilet. I cleaned the best I could. Luckily, there was no damage. My function keys are a little bit sticky, and the screen could use a better cleaning, but the other “sticky” keys are fine. WHEW.

Um… just randomly–cute vintage clothing here: http://www.sassypantsvintage.com
I know one of the models on that site–the one with the long, luscious hair. Some of the sweaters are super cute, and I WANT THEM.

Anyway. I just read a book called Hard Cash by Kate Cann, and I’m reading the sequel now, called Shacked Up. They’re from the POV of a British guy. Very interesting. There is a third one too, called Speeding, which I already have in waiting. I love books. In case you didn’t know. :) I was just thinking about how ridiculous my passion for books is. I have several bookshelves that are packed full. But there isn’t room for everything, and I have books all over the floor, stacks here and stacks there, some in the bathroom, some in the kitchen. All rooms need at least one book in them. It’s just how it has to be.

Reflecting on Stuff…

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Reflections and All That Stuff

So…

I had a fun New Year’s Weekend. Lots of updates here, at my other journal: http://www.livejournal.com/users/lilrongal/294169.html

Looking Back at 2005:
– I met Lauren laurenbarnholdt and Mandy mandywriter and loads of other writing people.
– I joined SCBWI.
– I started sending query letters.
– I took an online writing course called YA Chicklit 101
– I got to talk to a really great agent.
– I got the chance to work hard on my writing and improve it.
– I read two amazing books: Dreamland by Sarah Dessen and Pop Princess by Rachel Cohn.
– I became a HUGE Sarah Dessen fan.

Looking Forward to in 2006:
– I want to finish writing at least one novel.
– I want to read and read.
– I want to write, and write.
– I want to do what I can to advance my writing career. Okay, okay… make one come into fruition. ;)

And my butt hurts. So ’til next time… :)

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

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2005!!

For the most part, 2005 kicked major ass for me. I pray that 2006 is equally and more amazing.

IN 2005 HAVE I:

Hugged someone? Of course!!
Gotten into a fight? Over AIM and/or email, yes.
Cried? Yes, far too much.
Smoked? A few cloves.
Drank alcohol? Yes.
Kissed someone on the cheek? Yes.
Reunited with an old friend? Um…? Kind of.
Been suspended? No.
Let something go? YES!! :D
Been whipped? No.
Learned any important lessons? Yes.
Got a kiss on the cheek? Yes.
Kissed someone on the lips? Yes.
Considered suicide? WTF?
Gone to a funeral? No.
Fallen in love? No.
Cut/dyed your hair drastically? Drastically? Nope.
Flirted? Sure.
Been backstabbed? Yes.
Missed someone? Yes.
Hit someone? Depends on what you mean. Hit someone as in punched? No. Hit a car? Yes. :
Broken something really important to you? I don’t think so.
Cuddled with someone? Yes.
Broken somebody’s heart? Doubt it.
Done something you really regretted? Don’t even get me started.
Laughed so hard that it hurt? YES!
Cried so hard that it hurt? Yes. Too often.
Got cheated on? I hope not.
Gone on a date? No.
Got dumped? No.
Dumped someone? I think I dumped a few “friends.”
Made a new screen name? Um, I think, maybe.
Lost a friend? Yes.
Gotten any tattoos/piercing? No.
Watched porn? Hell no.
Been in a love/hate relationship? Eh?
Loved someone so much that it hurt? Yes.
Been grounded? Nope, LOL.

FRIENDS:
Lost: I’m not going to list them because it doesn’t matter anymore.
Drifted: Can’t really say because friendships are so static.
Found: Theresa, Bizzy (again!), Rob.

SERIOUS BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS:
Found: …
Lost: …

BODY:
Weight: Stayed about the same, hovered around the 105-110lb mark.
Piercing/tattoos: N/A
Height: 5’2″ ish.
Hair: Medium length.

WORK:
Careers: Nationwide (admin), left in August to be an editor at McGraw-Hill.

STUDIES:
Writing course – Chicklit 101.

BAD THINGS I HAVE DONE:
– As if I’m going to admit them here. >:)

GOOD THINGS I HAVE DONE:
– Queried agents.
– Disneyland.
– Disneyworld.
– Raised Aidan.
– Kept writing.
– Got a new job.
– Traveled a lot.
– Let go.

NEW EXPERIENCES:
– California.
– First solo flight.
– First speeding ticket.
– First “official” accident.

THINGS I HOPE TO DO IN 2006:
– Sell my novel.
– Finish a new novel.
– Officially sign with an agent.
– Go back to a Disney park.
– Pay off two credit cards.

———————————————

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?
I queried agents. I traveled to LA by myself. I flew solo. I went to Disneyland. I partied in Chicago. I wore my hair straight. I wore skirts and they looked good! I got my first speeding ticket. I got in my first “official” accident. I became an aunt. I went to the Smoky Mountains. I met Aimzy verytruly, Star selfstyled, and Kelly hybridpeach. I met Vera littlepige.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more this year?
I don’t remember if I made any last year, but I did do some amazing things. I did make some this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jenny just gave birth to a little girl yesterday, and my sister-in-law gave birth in August. Both girls. :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you vist?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
In 2006, I’d like to officially sign with an agent.

7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 13, 2005 – I was back at Disneyworld! HOME SWEET HOME! :)
September 9, 2005 – my first time at Disneyland!
August 12, 2005 – my last day at Nationwide.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I finally let go!
I queried agents!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Needing to let go in the first place.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of upper respiratory infections.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new camera. :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Um… I have to say Chris’s. He’s really been trying on millions of levels and his loyalty has increased ten-fold. He’s been wonderful with Aidan and amazingly supportive as I try to make a career out of writing. He’s also been trying to keep on top of the dishes and making sure the finances are straight. :)

13. Whose behavior was bad?
Heh. I won’t mention names here.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, stuff for me, car stuff, stuff for Aidan.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
TRAVELING! Being with my friends. Meeting new friends. Writing. Becoming ultra serious about making writing my career. Aidan’s development.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
“Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? Happier
II. thinner or fatter? Exactly the same
III. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wasting my time on the wrong people.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with Chris and Aidan–Craig came over later.

22.Did you fall in love in 2005?
With photography and nature.

23.How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I didin’t want much TV, but I enjoyed Unwrapped, and 30 Minute Meals.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not hate, but there is a general negative feeling about the person(s) and situation(s).

26. What was the best book you read?
Dreamland by Sarah Dessen and Pop Star by Rachel Cohn.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
WICKED!

28. What did you want and get?
A sweet camera. Best Buy gift cards.

29. What did you want and not get?
More Best Buy gift cards LOL.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, followed by Hitch.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31 this year, and kept my birthday pretty low key. I worked like crazy that day, and when I came home, I relaxed, chatted on the phone to a few people, and Chris gave me my presents. I liked it.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More writing, selling a book. Becoming an author.

33. How do you describe your personal fashion sense in 2005?
Trendy, bohemian, casual, comfortable.

34. What kept you sane?
Lexapro, my computer, books, and my friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattison. HA.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Don’t get me started, please…

37. Who did you miss?

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Online, there is Rosa dwagonfry. She’s awesome!! Also, Mandy mandywriter, and Lauren laurenbarnholdt. They are such inspirations to me. :)Offline? Kristen, Nikki, Theresa. Good times.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
If it doesn’t feel natural or right, then it’s probably wrong. If you feel tension, or a bad feeling in your gut, move on, because it will hurt more in the end.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Working so hard every night and day and now we get the payback…” – Luxurious – Gwen Stefani
“Here comes a better version of me.” – Better Version of Me – Fiona Apple

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :):):)

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Brokenness/Friendships (Long)

Brokeness? Brokenness? I’m not sure of the proper spelling. Who knows?

Anyway, there is a song we sing in church. One of the verses goes like this:

Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for…

I don’t really remember much of the song at the moment. One thing is for certain–that particular line always stood out in my mind because I never understood why someone would LONG for brokenness. From what I understand, being broken means being miserable. Everything is going wrong. Lives being torn apart. Pain beyond belief. Nothing left. All one can do is cry out to God.

I want to be able to cry out to Him any time. Actually, when I am hurting, I tend to run from God. I hide because I usually feel as if I am being punished and that whatever I did to deserve the bad things means that I’m too bad for God. And I guess in Christianity, that is true and that’s why we have Jesus. Jesus is supposed to be our bridge to God.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine called me a “good Christian.” I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not a good Christian. I’m a Christian because I am so very bad. I need some kind of redemption, and here, God offers it, basically for free. Except… I just can’t be still and accept this gift. I evaluate my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my wants. And I think to myself “I won’t see God in Heaven.” And that scares me.

I try to fathom God’s love for us and I simply can’t. I’ve tried to compare it to what I feel for Aidan. I don’t choose to love him. It’s just there, just as the sun rises every day. Just as the seasons change. It’s just there and I doubt anything Aidan does will take that away. Since I do love him so much, I don’t see myself “breaking” him just to draw him closer to me. Maybe I don’t know what I am talking about because he is only two.

Every year, I learn more and more about myself. Not all of it is good. I feel as if I’m supposed to be a certain way for whatever reasons, but I know there are things about me, ugly things I keep hidden from most everyone I know, that will pick at me for the rest of my life. I don’t like it. And I ask God “Why can’t it just be EASY? Why can’t You take this away? I don’t want this anymore.”

Then I get hurt. Again and again and again. I think of things and I wonder what I did to deserve it. I think of good things and wonder when it will be taken away. I ask God why did He save me from that particular pain, but allow me to feel this one, the one that devastates me. I find it hard to run to Him when I am so angry at him. Then I feel guilty. And now I feel like I just wrote a verse in Mr. Brightside.

But seriously, times have been trying for me. I am so confused. I feel angry at hurt, but on the other hand, glad. It’s October, that time of year for cleansing and pruning, at least for me. I tend to start evaluating my relationships and deciding which people to cut and which people to keep. Almost like sorting clothes in my closet.

This no longer fits me. I’ll get rid of it.
Hmm. I might fit into this one again. Let’s pack it away and try again in a few months. Or years.
I love this!! I’m definitely keeping it.
Wow, I can’t believe I forgot I had this. I need to remember to wear it more often.

I cut people off who no longer fit with me. We all grow and change. Maybe it’s merciless. It’s probably everything Christianity goes against, but I’m not God. I can’t be friends with people who hurt me over and over. I can’t continue to waste my energy investing in people who couldn’t care less about me. It’s amazing that (I’m taught) God chases us, persues us. I can’t do it, though. I have to cut them out for my sake. It’s not as if they care, so it’s good all around. Not to say that it doesn’t hurt. It always hurts. More with some people than with others, but the pain is always there. But in the long run, I start to feel liberated. I no longer have to worry about that situation ever again.

Some people just don’t mesh well with me right now. That’s not to say that won’t change in a few days, months, years. There is one person in particular who used to frustrate the bananas out of me just a few short months ago. Now I adore him times a million and can’t wait to get to know him better.

Then there are those who mean the world to me, those unexpected friendships. The ones that just bloom out of nowhere. Just like the random petunias that pop up in our flower bed from time to time. Petunias are annuals. Chris hasn’t planted them for years. They should not be randomly growing!! But they do, and it’s always a wonderful surprise.

And of course, there are my old friends who I don’t talk to as often as I used to back in the day. Speaking to them is like a breath of fresh air, and I wonder “Why don’t I call him/her more often? Or get on AIM or email? Why is that?”

New friendships. I think the best ones are the unexpected ones. The ones that suddenly happen. It’s hard, though, not to feel lonely here. My best friends all live in different states. I have a lot of friends here, but no girlfriend (in Columbus) who I am really close to. Is this my fault? Do I put up walls to keep people out? I mean, if they’re out there, they can’t hurt me, right?

I feel like I’ve cycled through a LOT of people in the past 18 months or so. Today Chris said “Ronni, not everyone has to be your best friend. And it’s okay for your best friend to live across the country.” That’s easy for him to say, though. He has Craig. They talk all the time and go on trips together and hang out often. I have friends I can call all the time. But I guess I’m still not satisfied yet. When will I be satisfied? Why can’t I be satisfied with the friends I have now, and even the very good local friends I have (like one I hope to start eating lunch with every single Friday from now one–or at least the ones when we get paid HAHA), or that certain brother of mine who has been absolutely loyal to me for nearly a year now… and just give up trying to have a (local) best, best, best friend?

Or maybe I shouldn’t think about it so much and just let things happen. Like that flower.

I guess I just get lonely and I don’t call a lot of people because I worry that I am bothering them. I don’t know. Sometimes, I can’t help but to reach out, though. It’s like a compulsion. I think of someone, I want to contact him/her. I have to curb that urge because it’s burned me too many times. Gifts should be given freely. But when repaid with cruelty, I can’t handle it.

I should go to bed. I could go on all night babbling about junk. I hope I haven’t hurt anyone with this, or made them feel left out. That was not my intention. Just what I’m feeling right now… it’s a lot. I’m scared that God has started “breaking” me. Too many things are crumbling. Too many foundations are cracking. I’m scared that I’m getting sick. Aidan is growing and today is the first time it’s making me want to cry. One day he’s going to be a man. I don’t know if I can handle it. Or if I even want it. But I’m not supposed to fight it.

Good night….

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Bittersweet & Then Some…(Pictures)

I am gobsmacked that it’s already October. Absolutely gobsmacked. Agog as two gogs. Or maybe three.

Pretty soon the leaves will be changing. Peak is so pretty, until everything starts to fall off the trees.

Autumn is hard for me, just as much as it’s beautiful for me. It’s a gorgeous season. The perfect weather, the smells in the air. Sweaters and pumpkins and corn mazes and soups and chili. Campfires. Halloween. That brisk bite in the air. The crazy blue sky. The breathtaking sunrises and sunsets:

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