reflection

Decisions Are The Worst

When forced to choose between the devil you know and the devil you don’t, looks like more people prefer the devil they know.

Rob said it best last night when he said everything he came to on the ballot presented a moral dilemna for him. I must say I agree wholeheartedly. This person says abortion is okay, that person says killing millions of people in a war is okay. Who do I choose when presented with those kinds of choices?

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I Can’t Believe The Weekend Is Already Over

I was thinking too much in the car today. We were on our way to Target, where I was going to get some “do-rags” for my hair. Of course, I completely forgot, so I get to go back another time. See, my hair is out of control bad lately, so I need something to cover it up when those bad hair days hit. I noticed that Ivy wears them a lot and she looks so cute in them. So, I need to get some for me. They shouldn’t be too expensive, right?

Anyway, on the way to Target, I saw some women drive by in a Mercedes. They had that “rich” look. You know, perfect, slick shiny hair, evenly tanned skin, perfect makeup. And I thought to myself “I want to look rich.” Then I was confused. I’m also a wannabe hippie. Or candyraver. How can all of these MEs reconcile? There is the wannabe rich me. The one who wants to have that polished look. The one who wants to wear Tiffany jewelry, carry designer purses, and wear Uggs. The one who wants to drive a silver Audi TT roadster, eat in fancy restaurants, and travel all over. Then there is the hippie/alternative/whimsical me. The one who wants to wear do-rags and have 2 ponytails and glittery cheeks and wear long skirts and pink Chuck Taylors. Or no shoes at all. The one who wants to (legally) smoke weed (why don’t they just legalise the stuff, seriously?) after a long day of mommying and working. Then there is the tech geek me. The one who is OBSESSED with electronics–the newer and shinier the better. The one who feels empty without some contact with a computer at least once a day. There is the Christian me, the one who wants to love Jesus with all of her heart and soul. But then there is the potty-mouthed me, the one who longs to type out sh*tmotherf*ckerf*cksh*t WITHOUT the stars. Honestly, I know people are complex, but isn’t this going a bit far? I can’t be a rich-looking lady and a hippe-looking lady at the same time. It’s just not possible. At least, I don’t think it is. And I can’t be a good Christian with that kind of mouth, can I? I’m so torn. Sometimes, I want to let the cusswords FLY and I stop myself. Or I make up other silly words to replace it. Words like plip and stuff like that. So, now what? Do I have to choose? Is it possible that I can be all of those?

I am struggling to be myself. To FIND myself. I will be 30 (I can’t believe I’m admitting this) in a little over 2 months, and I’m having an identity crisis. Sad, isn’t it? I think it’s because where I am, I’m not sure if that is where I want to be. Right now, I’m a mom, a wife, a secretary. I’m not okay with one of those things. Can you figure out which? ;)

19 Questions

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I Get Lost In My World

I meant to go to bed about 2 hours ago. As usual, the silence of the house after everyone is asleep sucked me in. I put on my music, get caught up in some project that doesn’t mean anything to anyone but me, and time flies.

This is my element. It’s dark outside. It’s quiet. I’m the only one “alive.” I’m the only one that matters. I don’t have to answer to anyone or entertain anyone. (Although Lord knows I do love to have people over and to entertain). I live for this “me” time. This is where I thrive with my writing. Or do stuff to my website. Or compose songs. I can just be creative and free. This is where I can forget all about work. This is where all the worries melt away. This is my world. And I LOVE it here.

I’ve been a night owl for years now. I think it started during high school. My mom would let me stay up as late as I wanted on the phone with Charla, and she even let me skip school sometimes, as long as I brought home decent grades. (I did. I was on Merit Roll). I fell in *love* with the night time when I was in college, however. I’d stay up until about 4 or 5am writing, then I’d sleep until 3pm. Wake up and get ready for work–from 5pm to midnight. Then I’d start all over. This was my life and it was very good. At least that part was.

Graduating college and working “normal” hours was a very rough adjustment for me. It still is, sometimes. I’d much rather stay up all night than all day. I guess I should really get on my writing so I can do that someday. I can’t think of a better job but to be alone, writing my novels, in the middle of the night, music blasting in Chris’s my headphones (I stole them from him), making my own hours, doing my own thing. And then having people read what *I* write–my stuff, and enjoying it. Poring over it. Loving it.

I have all these dreams. Yet, I am not doing anything do fulfill them at the moment. That is BAD.

I’m so scared of rejection! Or maybe I’m scared of success! Something is holding me back from focusing on my writing, and I know it’s all me. Nothing else. I have the time. I have the ideas, the drive. I just DON’T DO IT and I NEED to get past that.

I think I need to sleep now. It’s Labor Day, which will be pleasantly busy. Jen*Jen is here, and people will be stopping over tomorrow as well. I have work again Tuesday. I get to leave my dreamworld. Again. Back to reality. :(

It’s amazing how quickly a 3 day weekend will go…

G’night for real. I think.

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So Little Time…

Time flies so quickly, and yet it seems to stand still. A paradox? Yes. Let me explain. When I am at work, the days sometimes drag on and on. Today was okay because I had lots to do. But during my down times, the days go slow, and I find myself resenting that time when I could be working on something *I* care about, like my writing (which I’ve been neglecting terribly), my website, or connecting with my friends. When I am looking forward to something, it seems that time trudges to this thing, but then before I know it, it’s here, and then it’s over. Poof. Gone.

My evenings speed by, especially the ones where I spend time with my friends. There are so many people I want to spend time with in any way–emailing, phone, IMing, or in person, and I find myself overwhelmed because there seems to be so little time. I feel like a Sim. You remember how you always wanted to build up the Sims social but they were always too tired and they were spending all day at work? That’s me. Oh yeah. I never have time to play a computer game either, and I sometimes wish I had a few hours to kill playing Roller Coaster Tycoon or The Sims or Zoo Tycoon.

Sometimes, I want to =do things creatively, or journal, and it’s so late that I can’t after I’ve spent time with friends. All because I have to get up for work the next day. And I find myself resentful of the job. (NOT of the friends!)

It’s stupid, really. I am very grateful for my job. It allows me to live as I do, to have fun, to give. I sometimes wish I could spend less time working and more time on ME. I know that won’t ever happen. I need a full time job. I need the money. And so I’ll work and work probably til I am too sick to do it anymore. Retirement? Hah. I can’t even save $100. So, there will be no retirement for me! I guess my deal is that while my job is okay, it’s not really satisfying or fulfilling. And that’s probably what many people say about their jobs, so I know I’m not alone. I’m glad it’s there–I’m grateful for the income. But I wish I could do something I’m passionate about and get paid well for it.

My dream is still to be an author. And I just need to take the time and work on my writing instead of running from it. I get so nervous at what’s out there. The rejections, the publishing world. Putting my baby out there for people to see, read, criticise. It’s scary, and I know I’m hesistating writing my synopsis because I have cold feet. But I have to get over it and do it. If I don’t, then I’ll never become a bestselling author, and I will resent being a secretary for the rest of my life. To realize my dream, I have to work for it. Dear Lord, give me strength to endure…everything on that front.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to do what Hermione did in the 3rd Harry Potter, when she did the time thing. I’d get to find ways to do all the stuff I want to do socially, personally, spiritually.

The last week of August, Chris is taking Aidan and some friends on a “guy’s trip” to the Smokey Mtns in Tennessee. This will give me plenty of time for ME. I won’t know what to do with myself, and all the free time. I hope to spend it relaxing, getting in touch with God, rejuvenating. Also connecting with my friends.

In the meantime, I need to take a shower and go to bed. So… g’night.

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